Chara is a Drunken (REDACTED)
by TurkeyJerky
Summary: Sans is doing stand up at the new surface side Grillby's. Chara has her first taste of alcohol and overindulges. After a night of alcohol fueled debauchery involving dirty skeleton jokes, drunken karaoke, and interspecies PDA, you take her home. But before you can put her to bed, she has something she wants to tell you... (Part 4 of the Chara is a Kinky [REDACTED] series.)
1. Going to Grillby's

It was overcast. The sun was setting, or maybe it already had? It was hard to tell. The clouds around the setting/set sun were bright and golden, but dimming as the earth tilted further away. Meanwhile, a dark spot had formed in the clouds to the East, and it seemed to be growing larger. Spreading, like a drop of coffee spilled on a paper napkin.

The whole scene looked... apocalyptic. Like something out of Revelations... The forces of evil had broken through the Eastern wall and spilled into the heavens, routing its defenders who retreated behind the mountains to the West. Darkness would engulf the entire sky and the heavens would mourn with rain.

Good was not defeated, though. Overnight, its forces would regroup and march all the way around the earth, flanking from the East. Come dawn, the light would retake the sky from the darkness. Good always won in the end. That is what you believed. No, that is what you knew. You were proof of that. And so was Chara.

She stared out the passenger side window at the scenery flying by. She leaned her elbow on door and rested her chin on her closed fist. The car radio played a song quietly in the background. Both of you had heard this song so many times before, that your brains subconsciously filtered it out, like any sound that you had gotten used to. You had both hands on the steering wheel and looked straight ahead at the road coming at you and the guy in the car ahead of you who kept crossing the median and slamming on his breaks randomly. You couldn't tell if he was old, drunk, or both.

It had only been a couple weeks or so since she told you she wasn't going to do it. Since she told you she wasn't going to kill anyone. Although she never talked about it, you knew that she did struggle with the decision. There was an incident earlier in your relationship where you went out of your way to do something nice for her and the gesture brought her to tears. You think that may have been the first time she acknowledged the feelings she had for you and realized that pursuing power would mean the end of your relationship. And your life. Love and LOVE were mutually exclusive. Holding on to both of them was impossible. They would slip through your fingers like one too many limes. You just couldn't have both and feeding one would starve the other.

Last month, something changed. She started waking up earlier, just so she could spend more time with you. She told you she wanted to start helping out around the house and actually followed through. She cleaned, prepared communal meals, did the grocery shopping... Not only that, but she was more helpful and supportive. She asked you how your day was when you came home and actually cared, she gave you backrubs when you were stressed, she took care of you when you were sick... (She "took care of you" in more than one way. Whenever you got sick, she'd end up catching the same thing soon after.)

It was like... you were a team now. Partners... She went from being your "girlfriend" to being your girlfriend. You went to work, she took care of everything at home. You paid for the groceries, she'd go out and get them, bring them home, cook them, and have them streaming on the table for you. In the bedroom, she did everything you wanted and you... well, you did what you could for her... Some of the things she was into were just beyond what you were capable of. And what physics were capable of...

And despite all these changes she was making, which must have been difficult for her, she was happier throughout. She smiled more, laughed more, she even sang to herself now... She never did that before... She had to have made up her mind. There was no way she was going to hurt anyone now. ...Right?

A little later, you got up the courage to ask. You asked her if she still wanted to kill everyone, if she still wanted to pursue power at the expense of literally everything and become a God or demon or whatever that much killing would turn you into, besides a big jerk. She thought about it for a second then admitted that she did.

Her words hit you like a Kamikaze attack, a direct hit on your heart, which started taking on water and sinking. How could she do this to you? Did you really mean nothing to her? What was this past year with her, then? Just an act? To make it so when she finally did kill you it would hurt even worse? To make it so you would feel emotional pain along with physical? Before this, you didn't believe that it even was possible for someone to be pure evil. But now, you did. The proof was undeniable. It was also sitting next to you on the couch.

But then, the proof that pure evil existed looked you in the eyes. Behind those large beautiful red eyes of her's, where her true colors always shone through in 24-bit RGB, you saw absolutely no evil. Not a spot. You saw the opposite of evil, actually. You saw love. Her eyes were full of the stuff. Saturated, like she had dunked them in a big bucket of love juice... What? No, not that kind of love juice, you sicko! She smiled and kissed you, then told you that even though she wanted to do it, she wasn't going to. She wasn't going to do it because you didn't want her to. That was all it took...

Hearing those words... it was such a relief. You were very pleased that when it came down to you vs. power, you came out on top, but you wondered how she developed this awful desire in the first place. Why did she want to kill everyone? Where did this obsession with power come from? Why did she hoard knives? And where was she getting them? And why did she stash them in the oddest places, like your sock drawer or the freezer?

There... there had to have been something... Something that made her this way. Bad kids are rarely just born. More often than not, they are made. By bad parents, bad experiences, bad times... You figured that something had to have happened to her when she was a child that caused this. Something before you met her, before she fell in the Underground. Perhaps it was the reason she climbed Mount Ebott in the first place? Maybe she was running away? Or maybe... she was... Whatever it was, it must have been awful. Something so traumatic that it made her want to become a killing machine, fueled by the lives of everyone and everything.

It wasn't just curiosity that drove your desire to learn more about her. You wanted to know so you could understand. You wanted to know so you could help. Help her overcome whatever it was that happened to her. You wanted to know so you could be there for her. You wanted to know because you loved her.

* * *

"Hey, did you hear me?" She stared at you.

"Huh?" You blinked a couple times. "Sorry, I was just... thinking about something..."

"Can I drive?", she repeated her question.

"You want to drive?" You glanced at her, your eyes squintier than usual.

"Yeah!" She clenched her fists excitedly.

"No!" You shook your head. "Absolutely not!"

"Awww!" She turned away from you and folded her arms. "Why not?"

"Because you don't have a driver's license.", you said, without taking your eyes off the road.

"So?", she said. "I'm sure I could do it... I've watched you do it thousands of times. You even let me steer a couple times before..." She steered an invisible steering wheel in front of herself.

"I'm sure you could.", you said. "But what if you got pulled over?"

She exhaled sharply. "I'm not going to get pulled over."

"But what if you did?", you asked. "Then they'd find out that you didn't have a license and they'd take you to jail. Then they'd look up your info and find out that you died years ago..."

"Oh..." She scratched her head. "Yeah, I didn't think of that... That could cause some problems..."

"That's an understatement.", you said. "They'd probably cremate you."

She snorted. "They would not!"

"Don't be so sure.", you said. "The police hate paperwork. They'd rather make reality match up to the paperwork than the other way around. Ask Undyne about it sometime."

"Yeah, ok." She smirked and rolled her eyes.

"Then they'd do an investigation.", you said. "They'd want to know how you managed to fall through the cracks of the system, so they'd send their C.S.I. team to our house and examine every square inch of it. By identifying the substances coating the carpet fibers in our bedroom, they'd piece together an incredibly detailed timeline of our sexual escapades..."

She smiled. It made her happy when you referred to your things as "our things", as in "our house" and "our bedroom". You had started doing that just recently and every time you did, it made her feel good. Even when you were just talking nonsense, like you were now. It made her feel like the two of you were a legitimate couple now. Like you shared everything. Like you were a unit, an item... She felt more like a part of you now than she did when you shared a body.

"...Then they'd build a case against me, claiming that I knowingly had sexual relations with someone who was legally dead.", you continued. "They'd fill the jury with members of the Westboro Baptist Church and show them a line graph of our sexual history, with the X axis being time and the Y axis being depravity. The jury would, of course, find me guilty as Hell, and I'd be convicted of necrophilia and executed."

"Yeah, whatever." She shook her head, still smiling. "How am I supposed to get my driver's license if I'm legally dead?"

"You know, I've actually thought about this..." you said, dropping the humorous undertones in your voice. "It's possible you aren't legally dead, isn't it? Maybe nobody on the surface recognized your body during your and Asriel's, uh, visit? Maybe you're just recorded as having gone missing years ago?"

Her smile had faded away completely by the time you were done speaking. "Nah, I'm sure they did. I made sure of that..."

"You did?", you asked. "How so?"

She sighed. "It was all part of the plan... I knew that Asriel would get cold feet, so I planned on using his sense of self-preservation to get him to fight. You know, kill or be killed. I made sure they recognized me, or my body I mean... I wanted to goad them into attacking us."

"Oh...", you said.

"I was the one who picked up my own body...", she continued. "They assumed Asriel had killed me just as planned." She stared at her hands which were resting in her lap, fingers interlocked like the teeth of a zipper.

It was quiet for a moment, except for the sounds from the road and... the radio? You didn't even realize the it was on... "You might think I'm crazy, but I don't even care. 'Cause I can tell what's going on. It's hip to be square!"

"Jesus Christ...", you said quietly to yourself as you reached up and turned the radio off. You had a nightmare once that Chara asked you if you liked Huey Lewis and the News, then she explained that she thought their early work was a little too new wave for her tastes... It permanently ruined this song for you. "Hey, uh..." You cleared your throat. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah?" She looked up at you.

"Freeing the monsters...", you said. "That wasn't part of the plan, was it?"

"No." She laid her head back on the head rest and stared at the ceiling. "I had no intention of returning to destroy the barrier once we had collected the souls we needed. I had no intention of stopping at six. I had no intention of stopping at all..." She shook her head sadly.

"That's what I thought.", you said. "Can I... can I ask you another question?"

"Maybe...", she said without looking at you.

"Was it... revenge? You know, returning to your home town and starting your... thing there..." You lowered your voice. "Did they... did they do something to you? To make you want to..."

"Look..." She turned her head your way. "Can we... can we not? I'm not really comfortable talking about this..." The specularity of her eyes gave away her emotional state.

"Sure." You glanced at her momentarily and placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"No." She looked straight ahead. "It's fine. I'm just... not ready to talk about it, I guess?"

"Ok. That's... that's cool." You tried to smile at her, but only managed half of one.

"Thank you." She leaned on the door and looked out the window again. Some time passed without either of you saying anything.

* * *

"Hey, uh...", you said. "Maybe sometime next week, we can drive out of town and find some backroads or something and I can let you drive around out there..."

"What?" She turned from the window and looked your way. "Really?"

"Yeah, sure.", you said. "We can go somewhere where there aren't so many police around and you could do some driving out there."

"Oh, that would be great!" She clasped her hands together. "I've always wanted to drive!"

"Ok cool," you said, "let's do it, then!"

"Yay! Thank you so much!" She leaned over, grabbed your face, and planted a kiss on your cheek.

"Yeah, no problem." You had no trouble forming a full smile now. In fact, you couldn't stop smiling even if you wanted to.

"And maybe..." She stroked your thigh. "When we're out driving around on those secluded backroads, we'll find somewhere with a little privacy where we can pull over and..." She chuckled seductively.

You shot her a grin. "Mmmm! I like the sound of that! Remind me to bring a blanket..." You did your own seductive chuckle.

"But..." She turned the burner off under her sultry expression and let it cool into a more serious one. "We'll have to make sure it's not next to a goat farm like last time..."

"Oh, yeah..." Your expression went through the exact same change. "That was... that was traumatic..." You exhaled through your teeth.

"I looked up and saw the face of my dead brother..." She shivered.

"Yeah, I saw Mom...", you said. "She looked... disappointed... I'm actually really ashamed that I confused a real goat with my mother. I hope that doesn't make me a racist or something..."

"How did it sneak up on us without either of us noticing?", she asked. "Then, why did it have to scream at us?! And why did it sound exactly like Asriel did that time he saw me naked and realized I didn't have a 'pee pee'?! It was like something out of a horror movie! I actually had trouble sleeping that night!"

"Me too!", you said. "I couldn't stop thinking about that time I was a kid and I asked our waiter at the Chinese restaurant if he was Jackie Chan!" You cringed.

"Every time I closed my eyes I saw it again...", she said. "I couldn't get that picture out of my mind. What a nightmare..."

"I had a nightmare once that I met Samuel L. Jackson and I told him that I loved him in the Matrix...", you said. "He yelled at me. A lot. He said the F-word a bunch. To this day, that's still the most horrifying dream I ever had..."

"Ugh..." She placed her hand on her heart. "Just thinking about this is freaking me out... I need... I need to chill for a second..." She leaned back in her seat, took a deep breath, and shut her eyes... She saw nothing but black, but then... *Baaaahhhh!* "Oh God! I see it again!" She tore her eyes open as wide as they would go. "We have to... we have to stop talking about this!" She grabbed onto your arm and shook you. "If we don't, I won't be able to sleep tonight! Or possibly ever again!"

"Yeah, fine by me!", you said. "I know I'm not a racist! Even if I don't like rap music! Let's just forget it ever happened, just like we did with the Wax Play Incident..."

"The what incident?" She squinted at you.

"You know the, uh..." You looked over at her staring at you angrily. "I mean, uh... that incident that never happened?! Remember that?! No, of course you don't! You weren't there! And neither was I! Because it never happened! Out of everything that never happened, that happened the least!"

"That's right.", she said. "It never happened. Just like that time at the goat farm, The Goatus Interruptus Incident, never happened."

"Ooh!", you said. "I really like that name, though! Did you just come up with that? I kinda want to remember it now..."

"No!", she said. "It never happened!"

"Right! Never happened!" You could never forget it now.

"Good.", she said. "Now, what were we talking about before? Oh, right! Yeah, a blanket is a good idea. Maybe when we're done, we could have a picnic? You know how hungry I get afterwards..."

"Oh yeah, definitely!", you said. "You're not yourself when you're hungry. There's a reason why I stash chocolate bars everywhere."

"You do?" She tilted her head.

"Yeah. Check it out." You opened the center console, revealing four chocolate bars.

"Oh wow!", she said. "Can I have one?"

"Sure.", you said. "It might actually be a good idea to have one now. We're going to be at Grillby's for a few hours..."

She reached in and grabbed a chocolate bar. "Thanks!" She started unwrapping it.

You shut the center console. "I'd hate for you to get hungry there, where there's so many... bystanders that could get hurt...", you said quietly to yourself.

She paused. "What was that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you over the chocolate bar wrapper."

"Oh, I just said, uh..." You cleared your throat. "I'd hate for you to get hungry there, where, uh... the food is so expensive! Yeah!"

"Oh, ok." She finished unwrapping the chocolate bar, broke off a row of chocolate squares, and bit one of them off. "I should be fine.", she said with a mouth full of chocolate. "Do you want some?" She held up the row of chocolate.

"Hmmm...", you said. "Sure, why not?"

She broke a square off the row. "How about a chocolate kiss?" She licked her lips.

"Yeah, ok.", you said. "But I am driving, so it'll have to be a quick one. No tongue."

"Ok.", she said. "Are you ready?"

"Yup." You nodded.

"Ok, here it comes!" She placed the square of chocolate between her lips and both of you leaned into each other, meeting in the middle with a kiss, where she passed the piece of chocolate to your mouth.

"Mmmm!" You sucked on the chocolate. "Now that's what I call a chocolate kiss! Eat your heart out, Milton Hershey!"

She grinned at you as she chewed the chocolate in her mouth. The two of you made plans for your outing next week.

* * *

You stopped for a red light. The cars on the road perpendicular to yours started moving ahead. You leaned back and relaxed, resting your arm on the center console. You turned to her. "Hey, thanks for coming with me to Sans's show."

"Yeah, no problem.", she said.

"I think he appreciates us coming to watch his stand up.", you said. "And I like to go to all his shows to support him."

"Yeah, I don't mind." She shrugged. "He's really not that bad. His jokes are a lot better than they used to be. I used to hate his puns..." Memories of Sans's old punny humor came back to her. Her face twitched slightly as she fought back the urge to kill rising inside of her.

"I remember. You were like 'Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!'" You stabbed the air with an imaginary knife. "'For the love of God, kill him now!'"

She chuckled. "Yeah, that's what I said. Verbatim."

"I know what you mean, though.", you said. "His jokes were pretty lazy back in the day. He puts a lot more effort into them now."

"It seems like he puts a lot more effort into everything.", she said. "I remember him being really, really lazy."

"Well, he was pretty depressed back then.", you said. "You know, with the whole resetting thing... Really, I would be, too." You looked past her shoulder, starring off into space. "I can't imagine feeling like nothing you did ever mattered, like there was no point to anything because it was just inevitably going to be reset..." You looked back at her. "But since we got to the Surface and I told him I can't reset anymore, he seems to have snapped out of it."

"About that..." She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. "Why can't you reset anymore?"

"I'm not sure exactly.", you said. "I have a theory, though... So the being with the most determination has the power to reset, right? That's why Flowey could do it before I showed up. I couldn't reset before I fell into the Underground, and I can't reset now on the Surface..."

"Right..." She nodded slightly.

"So I think that the barrier made the Underground into it's own little universe.", you continued. "Like a small bubble inside a much larger one. When I fell down there, I gained the ability to reset because I had the most determination out of everyone in that universe. When the barrier was destroyed, the bubble popped..." You clapped your hands together. "...and the Underground Universe became a part of the Surface Universe again and I lost the ability to reset."

"You know, that sounds pretty plausible, actually..." She placed her hand on her chin. "So, if you're not the most determined being in this universe, it must be someone else, right? I wonder who it is..."

"Well, chances are it's probably someone in China or India." You sighed. "You know what they say, no matter how good you are at something, there's always some Asian kid that's better at it than you."

She laughed. "Wow, sounds like someone is bitter..."

"Tell me about it.", you said. "After spending my whole life wanting to be a super hero, I finally get super powers, only to lose them immediately after I rescue some people. I was going to make a costume and everything..."

She laughed again. "I would have liked to have seen that! Did you have any super hero names in mind?"

"Not really. Maybe I could have been... 'Determination Boy'!?", you said, imitating the announcer from The Super Friends. "Or... 'The Resetter'!"

"'The Resetter'?", she said. "That sounds more like a name for a villain..."

"Yeah, it kinda does, doesn't it?", you said. "I guess that could be my name if I ever turned evil. Or maybe it could be the name of an alternate universe version of me. Bizarro Frisk..."

"I image a super villain called 'The Resetter' would wear a lot of purple.", she said. "Maybe he'd be a snappy dresser, too?"

"Yeah! And maybe he'd have a goatee..." You stroked your chin.

Her mind painted a picture of this Resetter character. He wore a dark Italian-cut suit with a purple shirt, purple gloves, a trilby with a purple trim ribbon, purple shoes, and a classy purple masquerade mask to conceal his identity. He carried a purple cane with a heart shape carved in the top. He looked just like you, but with a goatee. She bit her lip. "Mmmm... Hey... I have a crazy idea...", she said, her tone of voice perfectly conveying what she wanted.

"Uh oh..." You read her loud and clear.

"Hey! You haven't even heard it yet!", she said, her tone of voice now transmitting her annoyance in 1080p with 5.1 surround sound.

"I think I know what you have in mind, though...", you said.

"Oh really?" She folded her arms. "Tell me what it is, then!"

"I bet you want me to grow a goatee and make a Resetter costume...", you said.

"Oh..." Her eyes popped open.

"Then you want me to roleplay as The Resetter, don't you?", you asked. "You want me to pretend to kidnap you and threaten to reset everything unless you give yourself to me, right?"

"Oh... That is... that is exactly it..." She rubbed her eye.

"I knew it!" You clenched your fist.

"Are you sure you don't have super powers?", she asked. "Because sometimes I feel like you can read my mind..."

You chortled. "Nah, I just know you too well. I'll think about your idea, though. I don't have nearly enough purple clothing to pull it off... I'd have to pick up a few things at the thrift store..."

"I'd like to go back to the thrift store, too. I need a new cheerleader outfit..." She scowled at you. "After you ruined mine..."

"Oh, c'mon!", you said. "You can't dress that way and expect me not to jump the gun a bit! I mean, what were you expecting?"

"I don't know.", she said. "More than twenty seconds at least?"

"I have absolutely no excuse.", you said. "That whole getup... It pushed all of my buttons... The cheerleader outfit, the knee high socks, the... pigtahhllsss-" The drool pooling in your mouth had overflown and gone down your throat, sending you into a coughing fit.

"Woah, are you ok?" She smacked you on the back.

"Yeah, *cough, cough*, I'm fine." You cleared your throat. "Sorry, I guess I just-"

"You choked on your drool again, didn't you?", she interrupted.

"Yes, that.", you said. "Exactly that. I'm sorry..."

"No, don't apologize." She smiled proudly. "I take it as a complement. I'm glad I can turn you on so much."

"Ok, good.", you said. "Honestly, you were lucky I lasted as long as I did. I just... couldn't contain myself..."

She let out a single laugh. "Yeah, literally!"

"I became... an animal...", you bleated. "An animal I say!"

"Now that part, I liked.", she said. "After you recuperated, it was amazing... Why do you think I want to get a replacement so bad?" She raised her eyebrows twice.

The light turned green. You grabbed onto the wheel and accelerated. There was a short pause in your conversation.

"Imagine a villain with the power to reset, though...", she said. "They would be... unstoppable..."

"Yeah, I guess they would be..." You thought back to when you were a child in the Underground and Chara was trying to take over your body. If she had succeeded, would she have been able to reset, too? A genocidal killer with the power to roll back time, mulligan any defeat, retry something as many times as it took until they achieved their desired outcome... "Brrr!" The thought made you shiver.

"Are you cold?", she asked.

"Huh? No, I'm fine... I just, uh... Yeah, maybe a little..." You reached for the knob that controlled the car's internal temperature and turned it a few degrees to the right, so that it pointed a little further into the red zone. "There we go. That's better."

* * *

A familiar sign on the left side of the road entered your field of view and caught your attention. "Ah, here we are!" You turned your blinker on and moved into the turning lane. You stopped and waited for a couple cars to go by... *Click, clock, click, clock* You drummed your fingers on the steering wheel. Once it was clear, you turned and crossed the road into the Grillby's parking lot.

"Whoa, lotta people here tonight..." You rolled down the parking lot slowly, your eyes darting left to right as you searched the rows of cars for an unoccupied parking spot.

"Ugh...", she said. "New cars sure are ugly these days... Look at that thing!" She pointed to a crossover SUV. "It looks like a Jeep did it with a Buick and this is the horrific result!"

You laughed. "Yeah, you're right! I hate the color, too. It looks like an old computer monitor... You know, the old boxy kind?"

"Yeah!", she said. "It's beige or something! What an awful color... They should have realized that beige was uncool when even computer nerds abandoned it..."

You chuckled. It was silent for a minute while both of you concentrated on finding a parking spot.

"There's one!" She pointed at a free parking space between a truck and a large SUV. Both vehicles partially encroached on the territory of the parking spot. It looked like a political map of Nazi Germany, Poland, and The Soviet Union, circa 1939.

"Oh boy..." You quickly surveyed the parking lot again, looking for an alternative. "Guess we have no choice. Here goes..." You cranked the wheel all the way to the right. You heard the tires grind against the asphalt as they pivoted in place. You slowly accelerated into the parking spot, coming inches from the Fascist truck. "Eeeee...", you said through your gritted teeth. Finally, you were in. "Whew! Wasn't sure we were going to make it..." You shifted the car into park and twisted the key back. The engine and the console lights died and the interior light came on.

"If you had bumped into them, it would have been their fault for parking too close." She took her seat belt off. "We should slash their tires or something! Teach them a lesson!"

"Nah, it's fine." You took your seat belt off. "I'm sure it was unintentional. Those things steer like boats, you know." You opened the driver's side door and pushed it out.

"Yeah, alright..." She opened the passenger door. It swung out about five inches before contacting the Communist SUV, on the right, ironically. "Uh..."

"Oh, shoot!" You placed a hand on your head. "Do you have enough room?"

"Not really, but I'll try..." She exhaled and squeezed out of the tiny gap.

You stepped out of the car, slammed the door behind you, and walked around to the other side where she was already mostly out of the car. "Wow, that was amazing!" You took her hand to help her balance as she unstuck her foot. "You're like the liquid metal Terminator!"

She chuckled. "Yeah, I wish..." She stabbed the air with her hands a few times, making sounds effects as she did so. "Chlickk! Chlickk!" She noticed something on the inside of her arm and she held it up for a closer look. "Huh..." She wiped the light gray dirt off her arm and looked down at her shirt which had similar spots on it. "Oh no... Did I... did I kill a monster? I didn't even realize... It was an accident!" She looked up at you. "It was an accident, I swear! You gotta believe me!"

"Woah Chara, calm down!", you said. "You didn't kill a monster! You just got a little dirt on you from the door frame!"

"Oh..." She looked into the door frame and saw that it was full of dirt, the exact same shade of light grey.

"Yeah, see? Everything's cool." You pushed the door shut.

"Phew! Thank God!" She placed a hand on her chest and took a few deep breaths. "How much would that suck if I accidentally killed a monster right after I told you I wasn't going to do anything?"

"Yeah, that would be pretty horrible.", you said. "The poor monster..."

"Yeah, uh, that poor, poor monster..." She meant it would have been awful for herself. "Uh, assuming that ever happened... Do you think you could forgive me?"

"Oh yeah, of course!", you said. "Accidents happen. If you accidentally hurt something, I'll understand."

"Oh, thank you.", she said.

"Yeah, no problem." You walked around her. "Now let's get you cleaned up." You brushed the dirt off her back.

"Yeah, ok..." She brushed the dirt off her front. "What about, uh, self defense?"

"Huh?" You stopped brushing off her back. "What about it?"

"What if I was attacked and I defended myself and the assailant ended up dead?", she asked.

"Oh... Well, yeah, that's ok. I mean, everyone should have the right to defend themselves." You resumed brushing her back off. "You shouldn't be held responsible for whatever happens to someone when you defend yourself from them."

"Ok, good.", she said. "Now, what if I intentionally put myself in situations where I might need to defend myself..."

"Huh?", you asked. "What do you mean?"

"Well," she explained, "what if I put on some sexy clothing and walked around the rough part of town, with the intention of attracting rapists so I could-"

You stopped brushing again. "No."

"Ok, ok! That's cool! Just... just finding where the line is..." She brushed herself off one more time. "Ok, that's good enough. You ready?"

"Almost. Still a little dirty back here..." You brushed off her lower back.

She reached behind her back and grabbed your wrists. "You know, if you want to touch my butt, you don't have to make up stupid excuses..." She placed the palms of your hands flat against her dirty seat cushions.

"W-what?!" You pulled your hands away. "It was dirty, I swear!"

"Yeah, whatever." She turned around. "More like, 'you're dirty, I swear'!" She turned the heat up on her expression until it was simmering. "Look, we're a little early, aren't we? If you really do want to 'Frisk' me, we have some time, but we'll have to go somewhere more private..." She looked around the parking lot. "Like maybe behind that dumpster..." She gestured to a large dumpster off the side of the building, with green stink lines wafting off of it and flies fleeing from it, holding their noses shut.

"No, really, it's fine..." You waved your hands in front of yourself.

"Hmmm..." She looked around again. "Actually, being watched could be kinda hot..." She bit her bottom lip. "Mmmmm..." She stepped into your personal space and grabbed your collar.

You chuckled uncomfortably as you looked up at the security camera pointing right at you. You swore you could hear it zooming in... "H-hey, I'm the monster ambassador to humans! I have a reputation to uphold, here! I can't be caught doing... lewd things in the Grillby's parking lot!" You paused for a second. "Again..."

She smiled mischievously. "What are you talking about? I was just tying your shoes for you, remember? It only looked like we were doing lewd things!"

"Heh, heh! I can't believe they bought that!" You shooed the smile from your face. "But seriously, we better not. I could lose my job..."

"Oh, alright..." She stepped back and put her hands in her pockets. "Well, how am I supposed to..." She looked upwards and thought for a moment. "Hmmm..." She made eye contact. "Do you think... do you think you could help me shoot a little film later I could distribute on the Internet..."

"No.", you said, without hesitation.

"Oh, c'mon!" She raised a hand into the air. "I'll blur out our faces! Just... just think about it, ok?"

"Ok, I'll think about it... Uh..." Your eyes were drawn to her face. "Hey, you got something..." You pointed to her face.

"What?", she said.

"You have something on your face.", you said. "Looks like more dirt from the door frame."

"Oh..." She rubbed her face. "Did I get it?"

"No, a little higher." You pointed to where the spot would be on your own face.

She rubbed her face a little higher. "Now?"

"No, not that high... Here, let me..." You licked your thumb and moved it towards her face.

"Ew!" She put a hand between her face and your disgusting thumb. "Don't touch me with that!"

"What?" You retracted your thumb, looked at it, then looked back to her. "This bothers you? After you've kissed me on the lips hundreds and hundreds of times?"

"That's different." She placed her hands on her hips.

"You've even, on multiple occasions..." You looked around to make sure there wasn't anybody around within hearing range. "...ordered me to spit in your mouth!", you whispered.

"Yeah, but you're forgetting the context...", she said.

"Fine." You wiped your thumb off on your pants and held it up to her. "You lick it then."

"Ok." She leaned in and licked your thumb. She put her tongue back in her mouth, frowned, and smacked her lips a couple times. A disgusted expression formed on her face and she spit on the ground a couple times. "Ew! It tastes like Funyuns!"

"Jeez...", you said. "You didn't react half as bad the first time you tasted my-"

"Shhh!" She held a finger up in front of her mouth then pointed behind you.

You turned your head and looked. A den of girl scouts walked by, or a "murder" as Chara would say. They noticed the two of you staring at them.

"H-hi!" You waved at them.

"Greetings!", Chara said.

You waited for them to pass then turned back to Chara. "What the hell!", you whispered. "Who brings kids to a bar?! Especially one full of monsters?! I mean, really?!"

"Didn't Sans take you to Grillby's when you were a child?", she asked.

"Well, yeah...", you said. "But that's Sans. Sans is the kind of person that brings kids to bars full of monsters..." Your eyes lit up. "Huh, I just answered my own question. You don't think they came with Sans do you?"

"I doubt it.", she said. "Not even Papyrus lets Sans watch his kids."

"Yeah, you're probably right." You focused your eyes on the spot on her face again. "Now hold still..." You raised your thumb up, wiped the dirt off her face, then stepped back to examine your handiwork and...

"Did you... did you get it?" She raised an eyebrow. "What are you looking at now?"

You looked into her eyes, gently ran your hand down her face, stopping at her shoulder. You stepped forward and moved your hand to the back of her neck while you placed your other hand on her cheek. Her eyes hinged open all the way. You pressed your lips to hers and kissed her like they did in romance novels with pictures of Fabio on the cover. Shirtless, even. Her eyes remained opened wide, but relaxed and finally closed as the kiss went on. You let her up for air and the two of you stared into each other's eyes.

You brushed the hair off her face. "Sorry, I just..." You shook your head gently, without breaking eye contact. "I don't even know... You look really pretty today... I mean, you always look pretty, and today's no different..."

She tilted her head as a confused smile formed on her face. "Huh?"

"I guess...", you said. "I guess what I'm trying to say here is... you are pretty. You are very pretty. You are pretty pretty."

"Oh..." She let out a flustered chuckle. "T-thank you!" She cleared her throat.

"Yeah, I uh, got it.", you said.

"You got what?", she asked, seemingly from the depths of a hypnotic trance.

"The dirt on your face...", you said. "It's gone now."

"Oh... oh, right!" She blinked and shook her head sharply a couple times. "Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem... beautiful." You smiled at her. "Are you ready to go inside now?"

She shook her head. "No." She placed her hands on the back of your head and pulled you down for another kiss. By the time the two of you entered the new surface side Grillby's, you were no longer early.


	2. What's Your Poison?

The exterior of the new Grillby's was a faithful recreation of the old one, just in a larger building. Also, it was on the surface. The front had a brick facade, a bay window with an "Open" sign in it, and a large "Grillby's" sign, spanning the entire front of the building. Standing just outside the entrance were a hand full of monsters and humans smoking, chatting, and ignoring the clearly marked sign warning customers not to take their drinks outside.

You stepped through the smokers, holding your breath, trying not to make it obvious that you were, and pulled the front door open. You stepped out of the way and held the door for Chara, smiling and gesturing inside.

"Thank you!" She smiled back at you and walked past.

You let go of the door and followed her in. She walked in ahead of you, while you stopped, looked back, and waited for the door to close. Once it had, you exhaled and gasped. You quickly caught your breath, then caught up with Chara.

The interior of the new Grillby's carried on the aesthetic spirit of the old one. In fact, much of the furniture and decorations came directly from the old one, like the jukebox and the neon sign that spelled out "Grillby's" in pink, right above a cocktail glass in teal. The new Grillby's was larger, though, with room for more tables and booths. It also had some new additions, like a couple pool tables, a stage, and bathrooms, thankfully.

Grillby's was still popular with monsters, especially those that were regular patrons of the old one, but humans came in large numbers as well. At first, just to satiate their curiosity, sample some monster cuisine, play a few hands of poker with the dog monsters, or just for the novelty of being served by Grillby himself. Word spread quickly in human circles about the bartender who was literally made of fire, how having a drink at Grillby's was like having a drink in front of a roaring fireplace. Many humans came for this reason alone, especially in the winter. But many of the humans that visited Grillby's once, enjoyed it enough to come back, and a few of them even became regulars, like yourself.

You pulled your phone out of your pocket and checked the time. "Wow, I thought we were early... What happened to the time?"

Chara shrugged. "Shenanigans."

You let out a single laugh. "Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Well, we're pretty much on time now." You scanned the room for Sans, but couldn't find him. The room appeared to be devoid of Sans. It was sans Sans. "So, Papyrus should be here any minute and Undyne and Alphys are coming a little later..." You spotted a familiar shade of blue amongst the crowd. "Oh, there's he is. Hey Sans!" You waved to him.

Sans looked your way, mid-drink. He swallowed and lowered his Bloody Mary. "Oh hey!" He waved back, turned to the people he was with, and excused himself. He walked to the two of you, taking another sip of his drink over the journey. "Hey kiddo." He turned to Chara and nodded. "And kiddoette."

"Greetings." She bowed slightly.

"Glad you guys could make it." Sans nodded appreciatively.

"Oh, we wouldn't miss it for the world.", you said.

"You wouldn't miss it for the world?" Sans tilted his scull. "Look kiddo, if someone offers you the world to miss my show, by all means, take it! I'll understand." He placed his metacarpals and phalanges on his ribs. "You can't pass up on an opportunity like that."

You snorted. "Yeah, ok. If someone ever offers me the world in exchange for missing one of your shows, I'll accept their offer, then, to make it up to you, I'll gift you a subcontinent or something."

"'Sub'continent?" Sans crossed his ulnae and radii. "And I thought we were friends..." He shook his scull.

"What, you think I'm made of continents?" You raised a hand into the air. "You know how much continents go for these days? Look, tell you what, you're a good guy, you can have Antarctica. Just don't tell anyone, ok? Then I have to give all my friends a continent..."

"Antarctica?", Sans asked, clearly offended. "I already have a big freezer. It's in my garage and it's full of imitation crab meat. I don't need another. Gimmie something good! I won't accept anything less than Australia."

"South America.", you said. "And that's my final offer."

Sans scoffed. "Please kid, don't insult me." He took another sip of his Bloody Mary.

A short lady skeleton, in purple dress, with large golden hoop earrings hooked into her ear canals approached the three of you. "Frisk! Chara! So good to see you!"

"Hey, *oof* Bonita.", you said as she pulled you down for a hug. "How's it going?"

"G-greetings!", Chara said as Bonita hugged her. Being hugged by a skeleton monster, feeling their ribs poking her through their dress... it filled Chara with discomfort.

"It's going great! I think you guys are gonna love Sansy's new material." Bonita placed her metacarpals and phalanges on Sans's clavicle. "He's been working on it for weeks now and he's got it perfected! Isn't that right, Sansy?" She looked up at Sans.

"I dunno..." Sans scratched his scull, producing a scraping sound that you were sure was making you a little more insane every time you heard it. "It's ok, I guess, but it's not that good... I mean, look at what being my test audience did to Boney here..." He flicked his scull in Bonita's direction. "She used to be human! Now look at her! It's like someone opened the Arc of the Covenant..."

"Oh Sans!" Bonita playfully nudged Sans in the ribs with her humerus. "Don't be so modest! You know, he might not look like it, but he really does work hard on this stuff. He's kinda a perfectionist, really. It takes him no time at all to come with with the jokes, but then he spends weeks polishing them up, getting the whole thing to flow right, finding the right words to use, the right expressions... It's like, if he didn't have deadlines, he could spend forever on that part..."

"Well, you know what they say.", you said. "'Art is never finished, only abandoned.'"

"Yes! Beautifully put, Frisk! That is exactly it!" Bonita stared off to the right of you and raised a hand into the air. "Sans is an artist, only his canvas is the stage and his paint brush is the microphone..."

"Wow, thanks for the kind words, guys.", Sans said. "But me? An artist? C'mon! I come up with dirty skeleton jokes! Calling me an artist is an insult to actual artists!"

"Hey, if Jackson Pollock can be an artist, I see no reason why you can't.", you said.

"Hmmm..." Sans rubbed his mandible with his phalanges. "Ok, maybe I'm an artist in the same way Jackson Pollock is an artist, but instead of flinging paint on a canvas, I fling double entendres involving the word 'bone' at an audience of drunken monsters."

"But really, guys." Bonita placed her hand bones, from her carpals to her phalanges, on her sternum. "I think his new stuff is great, and I'm not just saying that 'cuz we bone."

Chara snorted and covered her face. You quickly glanced at her, then turned back to Bonita.

"Anyway, I hope you guys don't mind, but I'm going to steal Sans from you..." Bonita turned to Sans. "A couple of my coworkers came out tonight... You remember Janet, Julia, and Cindy, right? You know, the girls I eat lunch with everyday? I've mentioned them before..."

"Uh, yeah... Of course!" Sans made eye contact with you and shook his head.

"Ok, good!", Bonita said. "I'd like to introduce you to them..."

"Oh, ok, sure. I, uh, can't wait to meet them!" Sans wrapped his humerus, ulna, and radius around Bonita's thoracic vertebrae. "So kiddos, I'll meet up with you guys after the show. You see that big table there in the middle, with a great view of the stage?" Sans pointed to a big table in the middle, with a great view of the stage. "Boney and I saved that one for our close personal friends..."

You admired the table. "Oh, ok. Sweet."

"So don't sit there, ok?", Sans said.

"Sans!" Bonita nudged Sans in the ribs again, this time not so playfully. Their bones clacked together, making a sound like the break shot in a game of pool.

"*Oof!* Just kidding, just kidding!" Sans rubbed his ribs. The first time you saw him do something like this, you were disappointed that it didn't sound like an xylophone, like it did in the cartoons. Instead it sounded more like a washboard. "Why don't you two go have a seat and get yourself some drinks? First round is on me."

"Sure. Thanks, Sans. Can't wait to hear the new material." You and Chara turned and head for the table.

"Oh, and kiddo?", Sans said.

You stopped and looked back at Sans. "Yeah?"

Sans pointed at you. "This... this ain't over..."

You scowled at Sans. "You can have Australia when you pry it from-"

Chara put her arm around you. "Ok, that's enough of that." She pulled you towards the table. You looked back at Sans and shook your fist.

* * *

There were eight chairs around the table and a classy looking triangular "Reserved" sign in the middle. You and Chara sat down next to each other.

"Oooh, VIP table!" You picked the "Reserved" sign up and looked it over. "Pretty swanky!" You set the sign back down and pushed it to the edge of the table, so people could see how important you were.

"Pretty sticky." Chara rubbed the surface of the table with a finger, producing a squeaking sound. And not a squeaky clean sound... "Also, it's just two regular tables put together..."

"Don't ruin this for me!" You clenched your fists. "I've never felt more important!"

"What about that time you addressed the United Nations?", she asked.

"That was nothing compared to this!" You picked up the drink menu and unfolded it. "Ok, let's see here... IPA, IPA, IPA..." You ran your finger down the list of beers on tap. "Why are there so many IPAs? There are other styles of beer... Damn hop addicts... All hopped up on... hops. How soon before they start taking them intravenously?"

She raised an eyebrow. "You're going to be cool to drive, right?"

You looked up from the menu. "Hmm?"

"You're not going to drink so much that we can't drive home, right?", she asked. "I don't want to have to walk..."

"Oh, so now you have a problem with drinking and driving?" You set the menu down on the table. "I seem to remember a certain someone regularly encouraging me to drive home after a night of heavy drinking back in the day..."

"That was a long time ago!" She threw her hands up in the air. "And in my defense, I didn't want you to get hurt. I was just hoping you'd hurt others."

"Awww... Thanks.", you said with absolutely no sarcasm. You were genuinely touched. You put your arm around her and kissed the side of her head. "To answer your question, though, I will be cool to drive. I'm going to have one, maybe two beers, and we're going to be here a few hours... I should be ok by the time we leave."

"Ok, good." She shut her eyes and nodded.

"Alright." You scooted your chair out and stood up. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Wait." She reached up and placed a hand on your back. "Can you get me something?"

"Sure." You pushed your chair in and leaned on it. "What do you want? A root beer? Orange pop?"

"Actually," she said, "I was thinking something alcoholic..."

"Oh..." Your cheerful demeanor vanished and you adopted a more serious one. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah." She shrugged. "Why not?"

"Well..." You rubbed you arm. "You've never had alcohol before..."

"So?" She raised a hand into the air. "I can handle it. It seems like fun. Minus the whole vomiting aspect, of course..."

You chuckled lightly. "That shouldn't be a problem as long as you don't go crazy, but..."

"But, what?", she asked, her tone of voice conveying confusion and annoyance.

You sighed, pulled your chair back out, and sat down. You put your arms on the table and leaned in close to her. "Alcohol does lower your inhibitions...", you said in a hushed tone.

She smiled at you condescendingly. "What, are you worried I'm going to kill you or something?", she joked.

You didn't say anything. Your expression didn't change.

Her smile went away. "I'll go slow, and if I feel like I might... do something I'll regret, I'll stop."

"Ok, thank you." You leaned back and dropped most of the seriousness from your expression and tone. "That's all I ask. I think you'll be fine. Just take it easy and don't go overboard. I don't want your first time to be like mine..."

"Ugh..." She cringed slightly. "Yeah, I do remember that..."

You frowned. "I... don't..." You looked down at the table.

"That's... probably for the best." She put her arm around you and rubbed your shoulder.

You sighed. "That bad, huh?"

"Well, let's just say it's a good thing you had, uh, handlers...", she said. "Otherwise you probably would have gone home with that monster to human transspecies that had been flirting with you all night..."

"Oh God..." You ran your hands through your hair and held them on the back of your head.

"Woah, calm down! I was kidding!" She wasn't. "Honestly, it wasn't that bad!" It was worse.

"Ok, ok..." You took a couple deep breathes and smoothed your hair. "Ok, now I really need a drink... So what should I get for you?"

"I don't know.", she said. "What do you recommend?"

"Hmmm..." You placed your hand on your chin and thought about it for a moment. Then, inspiration struck. You snapped your fingers and pointed at her at the same time. "Chocolate stout?"

"Beer?" She frowned. "I dunno... You let me taste beer years ago and I hated it. And I'm not sure that adding chocolate to beer will make it any better. It actually seems like a good way to make chocolate worse, if that's possible..."

"But that was crappy cheap beer, like Keystone Lite or something. Calling that 'beer' is generous. It's like..." You stared up the ceiling and held your hands out. "...the difference between a cheap mass-produced Hershey's bar and a super fancy chocolate bar, made by a Swiss master chocolatier with fifty years experience, who comes from a long line of chocolatiers, going back hundreds of years, all the way back to the introduction of the coco bean to the European continent. This man has chocolate in his blood, chocolate in his soul!" You waved your hands around, emphasizing your words. "And he puts a little bit of that into each and every chocolate bar that he makes, because in his family they believe that making chocolate is not just a trade, but a form of art..." You closed your hands into fists and shook them, passionately, like an Italian might when they were giving someone directions to the bathroom.

"Ok, I get it!" She held her hands up in front of herself.

"Sorry, I got a little carried away there..." You shut your eyes and shook your head sharply. "I actually know a joke about this... So, they say cheap beer is like having sex in a canoe..."

She placed an elbow on the table and rested her head in her hand. "What, a complete disaster?"

"No, I mean... yeah, sort of, but not as bad as that was...", you said. "At least drinking cheap beer doesn't put your life in danger... Well, as long as you don't drive... Or drink too much in a short period of time... Or drink too much regularly over a long period of time... Or drink too much, pass out on your back, throw up in your sleep, and drown in your own vomit... Or take acetaminophen with it and destroy your liver..."

"Ok, it was pretty bad," she said, "but I wouldn't say your life was in danger..."

"Are you kidding me?!" You threw your hands up into the air. "We hit that rock and the canoe started sinking! The next thing I know my head is under a foot of water!" You pointed at her accusingly. "And you! You wouldn't let me up!"

"I did too! I mean, after I finished..." She rubbed the back of her neck. "I was so close and I didn't want to lose it... It was only, what? Ten seconds? Twenty?"

You exhaled sharply and crossed your arms. "More like thirty..."

"Well, now you know how I feel when you choke me!" She placed her hands on her neck.

"I do that for you, not for me!", you said.

"Oh, right..." She shut her eyes and sighed. "Ok, yeah, you're right, that was pretty selfish... I'm sorry..." She leaned over and hugged you.

"It's cool." You patted her on the back. "I'm long over it. You don't have to apologize again."

"Ok." She let go of you. "So, uh, I don't know if you've noticed, but lately I've been trying to be more... compassionate, more conscious of others' feelings..."

"Yes, I have noticed." You nodded at her, approvingly.

"Good." She looked away and shook her head slightly. "I realize I was pretty selfish back then, but I'm trying to be a better person now..." She returned her eyes to yours. "I'm going to try hard to never do anything like that to you again."

"Oh, well, thank you." You put your arm over her shoulders, leaned over, and kissed her cheek. "Really though, don't worry about it. It was a long time ago and I realize you're a different person now."

"Ok, thank you.", she said. "Now, sorry I interrupted you. Tell me your joke. I mean, please. Please tell me your joke."

"Ok, so drinking cheap beer is like having sex in a canoe..." You held your hands out in front of you, palms facing each other. "Fucking close to water!" You threw your head back and laughed.

She didn't. "Ok, so if I understand the joke correctly, you're making fun of beer like that because it's watery? And that's a bad thing? I like water!" She placed a hand on her chest. "I drink it all the time! But I don't like beer... So if good beer is less watery, and more... beery, wouldn't that mean I'd like it less?"

"Well, uh... That's a good point... Hmmm..." You scratched your head. "Look, why don't you just try it? I'll go get a chocolate stout for myself and if you like it, we can get you one too."

"Ok, that works for me.", she said.

"Ok, I'll be right back." You stood up, pushed your chair in, and left for the bar.

* * *

It was still fairly early, so the crowd around the bar wasn't too dense. You removed your debit card from your wallet and leaned down on the bar and waited for the plasma-based bartender to finish taking another customer's order. Finally, he came over to you.

"Hi, Grillby!" You raised your hand up. "How's it going?"

Grillby gave you a thumbs up. The air around his thumb and the rest of his "skin" blurred, like it was melting, the same way it did over an asphalt road on a hot summer day.

"Excellent!" You gave him a thumbs up back. "So, could I open a up a tab?"

Grillby nodded.

"Cool, thanks." You set your debit card down on the bar and slid it over to him. "Here's my card."

Grillby took your debit card and placed it next to the cash register.

"Alright! Now could I get a..." You eyed the drink menu hanging up on the wall behind him and squinted to read it. "...an 'Ebott Brewing Company Chocoholic Stout'?"

Grillby nodded again, reached down below the bar, and grabbed a pint glass. He went over to the beer taps and placed the glass under the chocolate stout tap at an angle. He pulled the tap handle back and an extremely dark liquid poured out of it, hitting the side of the glass and rolling down to the bottom, where it collected. Once the glass was almost full, he tilted it upwards, allowing a small head to form, before releasing the tap handle. He came back over to you and set the glass in front of you.

"Thanks, Grillby!" You wrapped your fingers around the glass and picked it up.

Grillby nodded again and left to serve another customer.

You stood up, raised the glass to your lips, and tilted a sample into your mouth. You tasted it and swallowed. "Mmmm!" You nodded, turned around, and walked back to your table, the big one there in the middle, with a great view of the stage.

* * *

You set the glass down in front of her. "Ok, tell me what you think of this."

"Wow, it's so dark..." She bent down to table level and looked through the glass. "I can't see through it at all... It's almost completely black..."

You pulled your chair out and sat down. "What, would you prefer a pale ale?" You scoffed. "Racist..."

She rolled her eyes and shook her head as she reached for the glass. "Ok, here goes..." She raised the glass to her lips and tilted it back. She shut her eyes and poured the cool liquid into her mouth. She rolled it over her tongue to get a good taste... Suddenly, her brain was flooded with angry letters from her taste buds. Her face twisted into a intense grimace and she turned her head away.

"Woah, are you ok?" You took the glass from her hand and set it down on the table.

She clutched her head and leaned her elbow on the table, then she held up one finger and, with some difficulty, finally swallowed. She gasped through her gritted teeth. "Ugh... That is... awful. How... how can you drink that?"

"Well, it is an acquired taste, I suppose." You shrugged and lifted the beer.

"An acquired taste?!", she said. "So in other words, it's awful and you need to develop Stockholm Syndrome in order to appreciate it?"

"Hey, that's how I came to like you, isn't it?" You smirked and took a drink.

She snickered and playfully punched you in the shoulder. "Seriously though, it tastes like wet rotten toast."

"That's, uh, pretty much what it is." You set the beer back down on the table. "Just with hops."

"What even are hops?", she asked.

"Uhh..." You stared down at the table and thought about it for a second, then looked back up at her and shook your head. "Honestly, I have no idea. I think they're plants... They looked kinda like artichokes in the beer commercials..."

"So... what are they for?", she asked.

"Uh, flavoring?", you said. "And I think they act as a preservative..."

"A preservative?" She scoffed. "Oh yeah, wouldn't want it getting more rotten! So, I don't think I can drink that... that... thing..." She eyed the glass of beer sitting on the table with a horrified look on her face. She gagged and averted her eyes. "Yeah, no way... That is disgusting... And I've eaten buttercups! Enough buttercups to kill someone... And I think I'd rather eat buttercups and die again than take another drink of that... that... concentrated liquid evil!"

"Woah!" You leaned away from her. "Don't you think you're exaggerating a little bit here?"

"No." She shook her head. "No, I'm not. Now, do you have any other suggestions? Preferably something that doesn't taste like distilled bat pee?"

"Ok, how about a... Rum and Coke?", you asked. "There's no way you won't like that. In fact, we should have started there in the first place. I'll go get you one." You scooted your chair out and stood up.

"No, I'll get it." She placed a hand on your back, pushed her chair out, and stood up. "You enjoy your swamp water, uh, I mean, beer, while it's still awful, uh, I mean, cold."

"Ok." You sat back down. "Just tell Grillby to put it on my tab. He's seen us together before, it should be cool."

"Sure. Be right back." She left for the bar.

* * *

She returned with a glass of icy brown liquid with a green plastic stirring straw sticking out of it. She set it down on the table in front of her seat and sat down.

"Do you think it's safe for Grillby to be handling alcohol?", she asked as she scooted her chair in.

"Huh? What do you mean? Do you..." You leaned over to her and whispered, "do you think he's a recovering alcoholic or something?"

"What? No!", she said. "He's made of fire! Alcohol is flammable..."

"Oh! Right!" You smacked yourself in the head. "Duh!"

"How do you think he mixes drinks without setting them on fire?", she asked.

"I dunno.", you said. "The same way he works the cash register without melting the buttons? The same way he wears clothes without lighting them on fire?"

"And how does he do that?" She put her elbow on the table and rested her chin on her fist. "I thought maybe his clothes were made out of asbestos, but I can't explain the cash register buttons. I guess they could be asbestos too... Maybe there's a company that makes special fire proof cash registers for the, uh... What's the correct term for people like him? 'Fire People'? No... 'People of Fire'?"

"'Firemen'?", you asked.

"No, no!", she said. "Firemen put out fires! Grillby is made of fire! Firemen and Grillby are natural enemies!"

"Oh, right...", you said. "I dunno, I'd just call him a 'fire monster'."

"Yeah ok, that works.", she said. "But how does he do everything he does without setting everything on fire?"

"Uh..." You looked at her with your head tilted. "Magic?"

"Oh, right." She smacked herself in the head. "Damn it, every time I think something has a logical explanation, it always turns out to be magic! It's like... we live in the bizarro Scooby Doo Universe or something..."

You laughed. "'Now let's see who Professor Hyde White really is!'" You mimed pulling a mask off of someone's face. "'It's a... g-g-g-ghost!'"

Chara laughed and reached for her drink.

"So, uh, make sure you stir that up before you drink it." You pointed to her drink. "It doesn't always get mixed up well enough, so sometimes all the alcohol is at the top and it can taste nasty."

"Alright..." She pinched the green stirring straw and drew it around the circumference of the glass a few times. "You'd think for how much they charge, they could at least stir the thing up for you..."

You laughed. "I know, right? Then they want a tip afterwards..." You rolled you eyes.

"Ugh, yeah..." She sneered. "If they want a tip, they can have the tip of my-" She covered her mouth.

"The tip of your what?", you asked.

"Oh, uh... nothing. Never mind." She shut her eyes and took a deep breath, then opened them and lifted the glass. "Ok, here goes nothing..." She raised the glass up to her lips... "Ow!"

"Oh yeah..." You pulled the stirring straw out of her drink and tossed it on the table. "And remove the straw first."

"Ow." She rubbed her eye. "Thanks for telling me now..."

"Sorry," you said, "I thought it was self explanatory... I mean, I learned not to stick sharp things in my eyes years ago..."

"Yeah, yeah..." She blinked a few times and looked around, confirming that she could still count herself a member of the sighted. She then raised the glass to her lips again and took a sip. She tensed up, expecting it to taste awful like before, but when she rolled it over her tongue, she tasted vanilla Coke with a little bite to it. "Mmmm..." She nodded and swallowed. "Ahhh!" She felt a slight tingling sensation as the liquid went down her throat, which turned to a pleasant warm sensation in her stomach. "That's not bad!" She held the glass out in front of her eyes and watched the carbonation bubbles rise to the top. "In fact, I think I like this better than regular Coke!"

"Yeah!" You nodded. "I feel the same way. It's the spices in the rum, I think. It sort of... augments the flavor."

"What sort of spices do they put in it?", she asked, before raising the glass up for another drink.

"Oh, you know, vanilla, cinnamon..." You counted on your fingers. "Uh, Old Bay Seasoning..." You stuck up a third finger.

She snorted mid drink and set her drink down on the table. "Ow!" She rubbed her nostrils. "Thanks, now I have Rum and Coke in my nose!" She clenched her eyes shut.

"Sorry.", you said. "I'll try to be less funny in the future."

"I'm not sure that's possible.", she said with her eyes still clenched shut.

"Har, har.", you said, "Now, do you think you can live with that?"

"Yeah, this is good, but I don't recommend snorting it..." She rubbed her nostrils again. "Ow, it burns..."

"Yeah, it's a great nasal decongestant." You picked up a paper napkin and handed it to her. "Here."

"Thanks." She blew her nose into the napkin, folded it once, and blew again. "Ugh... I hate doing that." She set the napkin down and picked up her drink.

"Yeah, me too." You picked up your chocolate stout. "Well, good, I'm glad we found you something. Cheers!" You moved your glass towards hers.

"Hey, careful now!" She pulled her drink back and covered it with her hand. "Make sure you don't get any of your stuff in my stuff, ok?"

"Yeah, ok." You rolled your eyes.

She took her hand off her Rum and Coke and moved it near your glass. "Cheers!" The two of you clinked your glasses together. *Clink!*

"Cheers!", you said and both of you threw back your drinks.

"Ahhh!" You set your beer down and something caught your eye. There was a tall, slim creature standing near the entrance. He wore an off white turtle neck sweater with the sleeves rolled up, dark gray slacks, and brown loafers. He was looking around the room, possibly for someone he knew. Someone like you. "Hey, look!" You gestured to the entrance. "Papyrus is here. Hey Papyrus!" You stood up and waved to him. He saw you, waved back, and walked over to your table.


	3. Cool Skeleton

"Frisk, my good pal!" Papyrus approached with outstretched humeri, ulnae, and radii.

"Hey Paps!" You stood up and accepted Papyrus's hug. "Nice to see you, man!"

"Likewise!" Papyrus let go of you and turned to Chara. "And I see you brought the lovely Chara again!"

"Greetings!" Chara bowed and held out her hand.

"Always a pleasure!" Papyrus shook Chara's hand politely and bowed back.

"So, have a seat!" You pointed to a chair across from you and Chara with an outstretched hand, while you returned to your own seat. "This here is the VIP table! Your brother and his special lady friend saved it for us!"

"VIP table?! Wowie! I feel so important!" Papyrus walked around the table, sat down, and marveled at the table's central location and the ease at which he could see the stage from his seat. "This is great! It's right in the middle and it provides an exquisite view of the stage! Please remind me to thank my brother and his significant other for providing such wonderful accommodations for us!"

"Yeah, sure." You nodded, smiling. "Did you see the reserved sign?" You flicked your head towards the pyramid-like sign at the head of the table, that stood as a testament to you and your party's significance.

"Yes I did! Very classy!" Papyrus picked the sign up and turned it over in his bony hands. "Is it metal?!"

"Nah, I think it's just plastic, but still!", you said. "So, where's the misses? Is she coming later?"

"I'm afraid not!" Papyrus set the sign on the table and slid it back to its former position at the head of the table. "She has to work early tomorrow and we couldn't get a baby sitter because, well, all of our usual baby sitters are coming here tonight!" He frowned. "I mean, minus Sans, of course... I haven't let him babysit since that time he fed them Marshmallow Fluff and ketchup sandwiches..."

"Ugh, yeah..." You looked down and audibly gagged. "That's the same reason why my Mom wouldn't leave me with Sans for more than a few minutes. It's alright if _he_ wants to eat that way, but feeding 'The Sans' to kids should be a form of child abuse..." You looked back up at Papyrus. "So, uh, you could always ask my Mom to babysit. I bet she'd be up for it. Your kids like snails, right?"

"Hmmm..." Papyrus pressed his non-existent lips together. "I don't know... Asking the Queen of Monsters to babysit my little boneheads?! It seem rather... improper!"

"Nonsense!", you said. "Mom adores your little Lucida and Macabre! And she's not the queen anymore, remember? Mom and Dad had to give up their royalty status when the monster government was absorbed into the human government. She's just a regular citizen now like you or me."

"Yes, yes...", Papyrus said. "Well, I'll consider it next time something like this happens!"

"So, uh..." You scratched the side of your head, above the ear. "Don't you usually work tomorrow, too?"

"I traded shifts with one of my coworkers so I could be here tonight! Sans needs me here, not only for moral support, but also as the designated driver!" Papyrus smiled proudly.

You chuckled. "So, why does Sans need you to D.D.? Can't he, uh, teleport?"

"Yes, but he doesn't drink and teleport anymore!" Papyrus's smile left his face and his eyes narrowed. Somehow... Magic? "Not after what happened last time..."

"Huh?" Your demeanor followed Papyrus's lead. "What happened last time?"

"He..." Papyrus held out his hand bones while he searched for the right words. "He had a little accident..."

"He did?" You put your arms on the table and scooted in. "Is he... is he ok?", you asked in a hushed tone.

"Oh yes!", Papyrus said. "He's fine now! I apologize, I didn't mean to give the impression that he had gotten hurt! The damage, if any, was all emotional! It only... spooked him. Chilled him to the bone, actually..."

You tried to fight it, but you couldn't help your mouth from bending ever so slightly upward.

"Ugh..." Papyrus clutched his cranium. "Pun not intentional! Not intentional! I can't even talk about basic anatomy, without someone thinking it's a stupid joke! This is why I had to get a new doctor..."

"I'm sorry!", you said. "I have no control over it, it's just a knee jerk reaction now. Blame your brother."

"Oh, I do!" Papyrus nodded angrily. "I do!"

"So, what happened to him?", you asked.

"Well, like most of Sans's misadventures, it started here, at Grillby's!", Papyrus continued. "He had been here for quite a while, had a few drinks, and was fairly inebriated by closing time... So, in other words, it was a normal Tuesday night for Sans!"

Chara snorted and snickered into her hand. You glanced at her, then turned your eyes back to Papyrus.

"So, yes, Sans was kicked out of Grillby's, along with all the other alcoholics! He stumbles outside, shuts his eyes, and visualizes home..." Papyrus closed his eyes for a moment then opened them. "When he opens his eyes, all he can see is black! He can't hear anything, can't feel anything, and he's completely disoriented! He can't tell up from down, left from right, penne from rigatoni!"

"Oh, wow..." You put your hand on your cheek. "Where was he?"

"Well, Sans being Sans, and being, well, drunk... But I repeat myself!" Papyrus grinned. "Nyeh heh heh!"

Chara burst into laughter and slapped her hand on the table. "Oh man..."

You put on your frown of disapproval. "Hey guys, c'mon! Alcoholism is no laughing matter..."

"Sorry!", Chara said through laughter. "It's just funny, you know, because it's, uh..."

You stared back at Chara, frowning.

"Because, uh..." Chara cleared her throat. "Because, uh, it's so... outrageous! Yeah, it's funny because it's so outrageous! Because, uh, obviously, Sans is a model of self control and moderation..."

Papyrus snorted and covered his facial bones with his metacarpals to muffle his laughter.

"Yeah, it's just ludicrous!" Chara smiled, held out her hands, and shook her head. "That's why it's funny! Very, uh, Monte Python-esque!"

"Yeah, ok...", you said. "Let's just... cool it with alcoholic jokes, if you guys don't mind..."

"Yes, of course not! I'm done now!" Papyrus quickly finished laughing and wiped a tear out of his eye. "So..." He cleared his throat. "Given the void-like appearance of his surroundings, Sans's initial impression was that he had mistakenly teleported into The Void!"

"The what?!" Your head flinched back slightly.

"No, not 'The What', The Void!", Papyrus corrected you.

"The Void..." Chara tapped her chin. "I think I've heard of that... It's like... the space between worlds or something, right? I mean, theoretically, of course..."

"Yes, I believe that's essentially, what it is!" Papyrus nodded once in Chara's direction. "But I'm not certain! You'll have to ask Sans for a more thorough explanation! But yes, Sans thought he teleported into The Void, this supposed space between worlds! Not a lot of people know this, but my brother is quite into sciency stuff! Like space and... uh... magnets! He read about The Void in one of his quantum physics text books!"

"Oh!", you said, remembering that sans was indeed into sciency stuff. Then you realized why he was into sciency stuff... "Oh..." That's your fault, isn't it? Well, partially...

"Took a peek in this particular text book once to see what the fuss was all about!", Papyrus said. "And, well... I empathize strongly with the book's original owner! I, too, would have thrown it away!"

You chuckled politely. "So, uh, he didn't actually, uh..."

"Goodness, no!" Papyrus smiled and shook his scull. "That fool brother of mine teleported into the drainage ditch behind his house! He then gets this feeling like he's floating and the next thing he knows, his scull breaks the surface of the water! He was only a few yards off target!"

"Oh good!", you said, relieved.

"Yes!", Papyrus said. "But it did spook him! Spooked him real good, matter of fact! He gave up on drinking and teleporting, right then and there!"

"That's good!" You nodded. "Sounds like he learned a lesson. It's real nice of you to help him out like you do."

"Oh, I don't mind!" Papyrus shrugged. "It helps my brother out and, well, you know me, I've never been much for drinking anyway!"

"Hmmm..." You looked at Papyrus through squinted... no, squintier eyes. "Right..."

"Hmmm..." Papyrus squinted back at you. "You're looking... skeptical, Frisk my good friend! I mean, more skeptical than usual... Do you disagree with my statement?!"

"I dunno, 'Paps'..." You grinned at Papyrus. "I met a few of your buddies from cooking school at your graduation, and I remember their nickname for you, 'Pabst'!"

Papyrus placed both of his hands on his rib cage, leaned his scull back, and laughed heartily. "Yes, I suppose I had my moments back in the day! I used to always drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer back then, because I thought it was objectively the best beer, you know, what with the blue ribbon?! So my friends started calling me 'Pabst', because of that, and also because it kinda sounded like my name! Then I started calling them by the names of their favorite drinks and it became a thing!"

"Ah, ok." You smiled and nodded.

"We called Louis, 'Jerry', because he liked Sailor Jerry rum!", Papyrus continued. "Rich was 'Gordon', because he drank Gordon's gin! And Todd... he..." Papyrus frowned. "He was 'Everclear'..." He put his teeth together and sighed. "Poor guy... One day his liver just up and... ignited... Burnt a hole right through his chest, skin and bones... The doc said he had never seen anything like it..." He shook his scull, sadly.

Both your and Chara's eyes grew larger. "Whoa...", you said.

"What an awful way to go..." Papyrus placed his hand bones on his rib cage, over the area where his heart would be if he were human, and turned his scull up towards the heavens. "Rest in peace, Toddy, old buddy. Anyway..." Papyrus's looked back at you two and his demeanor returned to its happy and cheerful default. "Those days are behind me! I have to take it pretty easy these days! Too many responsibilities, you know?!"

"Uh... yeah, yeah!" You blinked a few times and shook your head sharply. "I know what you mean. Being an adult is rough..."

Chara scoffed. "You? An adult? Yeah, whatever!" She turned to Papyrus. "A couple weeks ago, we had to sleep with a night light because he read a scary story online before bed!" She pointed at you with her thumb and giggled.

You leaned over to Chara and cupped your hand around her ear. "Chara, c'mon!", you whispered into your hand, which funneled the sound into her ear. "Don't be... don't be sharing things like that with my cool skeleton friends..."

Papyrus finished giggling and dropped his hand bones from his facial bones. "Now, now... There's no need to be afraid of the dark, Frisk! Just remember that monsters don't exist! I tell my kids that every night!"

"They... they don't?!" You stared at Papyrus.

"I mean, spooky monsters!" Papyrus held his hand bones out in front of himself. "Monsters like me aren't spooky! Especially not those of the skeleton variety! We're so cute and cuddly... How could anyone be afraid of us?! I'm talking about something like..." He paused and though. "The Boogeyman!"

"The Boogeyman? Uhh..." You scratched your forehead. "Actually, the Boogeyman does exist..."

"He does?!" Papyrus's mandible dropped. "You must be kidding me!" He turned to Chara. "Chara, is our mutual friend kidding me?!"

"Nope." Chara shook her head. "He lives on our street, even. I saw him out yesterday mowing his lawn."

"Yeah.", you said. "His lawn is really nice. It's so green... I wonder how he does it? Ours is like the color of Dijon mustard..."

"Wowie..." Papyrus scratched his scull. "I guess I've been lying to my children all this time... Well, no more!" Papyrus raised a phalange into the air. "Tomorrow night, I'll set the record straight! I'll tell them, right after I tuck them into bed, that not only does the Boogeyman exist, but he doesn't live that far from us, either!"

"Uh...", you said. "Make sure you explain that he's a good monster, though, and that he's not scary! And, uh..." You looked at Chara "And that he... takes really good care of his lawn?" You shrugged.

Chara nodded, frowning in approval. The "not bad" expression. "I think he recycles, too."

"Oh yes, of course!" Papyrus nodded. "I'll be sure to mention that part! If I remember..." He rolled his eyes upward for a second, then back down to you. "So Frisk, tell me about this scary story that you read! I'm curious what kind of story could make a fully grown human male, such as yourself, require a nightlight, like a young human female might!"

"Well, it wasn't just a scary story...", you explained. "It was what folks on the Internet call a 'Creepy Pasta'..."

"'Creepy Pasta'?!" Papyrus sat up and leaned forward. "Oh, so it wasn't a story, it was a recipe! Well, now I understand! Really, there's no shame in being frightened by a difficult recipe! I myself used to have recurring nightmares about a certain lasagna recipe earlier in my culinary career!" He placed his hand bones on his rib cage. "Tell you what, this weekend, I'll go on the Internet and find this 'Creepy Pasta' recipe and I'll cook up a batch myself to show you that there's nothing to be afraid of..."

"No, no!" You shook your head and waved your hands. "Whatever you do, Papyrus, do not search for 'Creepy Pasta' on the Internet. Just... just don't, ok?"

"Oh, ok! If you say so!" The poor human underestimated The Great Papyrus's cooking skills! Perhaps this recipe was too difficult for him, an amateur chef, but a seasoned professional like The Great Papyrus?! No recipe was too difficult for him! He would find the recipe for this "Creepy Pasta", and he would make it, and it would be delicious...

"Good!", you said. "Trust me, that stuff is bad news. Now, let's... let's talk about something else... So, uh, how has work been going, Paps?"

"Great as always!" Papyrus seemed to get even more cheerful. "I can't thank you and Undyne enough for convincing me to pursue a career in cooking rather than following Undyne into the police force! I get to do something I love every day and I met the love of my life in cooking school... It was the best decision I ever made!"

"Aw, don't mention it." You shrugged proudly. "So it sounds like things are still going well between you and Morana?"

"Oh yes! Great, actually! I feel like... like... we grow closer every day..." Papyrus smiled lovingly. "I remember the day we got married... I watched her walk down the aisle towards me, all dressed in white... She was so beautiful... I thought to myself that there was no way I could love her more than I do now, but every day... every day I've been proven wrong..." He stared off at nothing at all and shook his scull gently. "It's... it's just perfect..."

Chara was smiling and she felt... emotional. Like she could cry if she wanted to. It wasn't a sad type of feeling, but a happy one, like she felt before, for the first time, not too long ago. The morning after she... decided... no, realized...

"That's good.", you said. "How many years have you guys been married now?"

"Let's see..." Papyrus tilted his scull upward and through about it for a moment. "This year we'll be celebrating our... 7th? No, 8th anniversary!"

"Oh, wow." You ran a hand through your hair. "I can't believe it's been that long already... It seems like just yesterday that I was watching you two walk down the aisle... But I guess it was that long ago, wasn't it? I mean, I was in high school at the time... Dang, time flies..."

"Indeed it does!" Papyrus nodded slowly in agreement. "Indeed it does!"

"So, are the kids doing well?", you asked.

"Very well!" Papyrus smiled proudly. "Lucida is learning to play the recorder in school! She's very good already! She can play this song, 'Hot Cross Buns', all the way through, without making a single mistake now! And Mac, well, he's been helping his mom and I cook! Just yesterday, we baked a batch of banana nut muffins! We taught him how to measure out ingredients with the measuring cups and spoons! He says he wants to be a chef when he grows up, just like his mommy and daddy!"

"Awww... That's... that's so sweet..." Underneath the table, Chara's hand found your hand. She interlocked her fingers with yours and squeezed. You looked her way. She was smiling, her eyes shinier than usual. You could see your own smiling face in the reflection.

The three of you continued to chat. Instead of getting more aggressive and violent like you were worried she might, the alcohol seemed to loosen Chara up and make her more outgoing and friendly. Your anxieties dissolved, like ice in a cocktail abandoned after bar time.

* * *

"So Papyrus..." You folded your hands together. "I have a question for you, hopefully it's not too personal..."

"Oh, sure!" Papyrus held his metacarpals and phalanges out, invitingly. "You can ask me anything!"

"So, uh, I was just wondering..." You scratched your temple. "How come you and Sans both ended up with skeleton women? Did you ever consider, oh I don't know... going out with a dog monster or something?"

Papyrus's smile left his face and went to The Void. He looked left and right, then put the ends of his humeri on the table and leaned in close. You and Chara followed suit. In voice completely devoid of emotion, quieter than you had ever heard him speak before, he said, "We must keep the skeleton race pure..."

"W-what?!" You leaned back and put both your hands on your head.

"Hmm." Chara nodded, completely unoffended. "That makes sense." She took a sip of her drink.

Papyrus's straight face quickly waned. He snickered a couple times then burst into laughter. "Nyeh heh heh! Just a little edgy humor, my friends! I'm not actually a racist! I only pretended to be one there as a joke!"

"Oh, thank goodness!" You placed your hand on your chest and let out a few relieved laughs. "You scared me for a minute there! That seemed so... unlike you. So... out of character..."

"That's why it was funny!" Papyrus grinned. "I subverted your expectations! Humor!"

"You sure did!", you said. "Jeeze, I don't think I've ever heard you speak that quietly before... It was terrifying!"

"It was very difficult!" Papyrus massaged his thoracic vertebrae. "It kinda tickled, too!" He cleared his throat.

"Yeah, I bet!", you said. "But it was worth it! Very funny joke, Paps!"

"Thank you!" Papyrus bowed. "Thank you very much! Now, to answer your question, monsters often marry monsters of similar types for the same reason humans do! Reasons like shared culture, relatable experiences, or just personal preference! Take you and Chara for instance! You two are similar types of humans, aren't you?!"

"Uh, yeah." You looked at Chara, then back to Papyrus and nodded. "We are."

"Uh, sort of..." Chara scratched her head.

"Huh?" You turned to Chara. "What do you mean?"

"You, uh, kinda have a weird skin tone...", Chara said. "I've actually been meaning to ask you about it... Are you like... part Asian or something?"

"What?! No!" You shook your head vigorously. "What's wrong with my skin tone?!" You held your arm up and examined its saturation. "It looks pretty darn white to me! And look at how pale I am up here, where I'm not tanned!" You pulled your shirt sleeve up, exposing your sunlight deprived skin. "Ugh!" You averted your eyes. "I can't even look directly at it, it's so white and reflective!" You covered up your untanned skin to spare everyone else's eyes. "Now look at this!" You set your arm down on the table next to Chara's. "See?! Our skin tones are like identical!"

"I dunno..." She scratched her eyebrow. "Your skin kinda has olive undertones, while mine is more pinkish... You look a little... swarthy..."

"Swarthy?! Are you kidding me?!" You clutched your forehead. "I can't tell where my arm ends and yours begins! They're practically one and the same! Why, we could be brother and sis-"

Chara smiled at you. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"Uh, uh..." Your cheeks turned red, well, more like orange, thanks to your unique skin tone. "Ok, our skin tones aren't _that_ similar, but they are similar! We're clearly the same race!"

"And what's the deal with your eyes?" Chara squinted, imitating you. "Are you squinting or... really skeptical of everything?"

"Yes, it's squinting! See?!" You opened your eyes wide. "I... I can't always see that well... Sometimes I have to squint to make things out..."

"Oooh...", Chara said. "That's why... Why don't you just get glasses?"

"I don't... I don't wanna..." You crossed your arms and looked down. "Glasses are lame..."

"Hey, I wouldn't think less of you if you wore glasses." She placed a hand on your shoulder. "Besides, you could get contact lenses, too."

"Eh...", you said. "I dunno, I'm not really big on sticking things in my eyes..."

"Why not get prescription sunglasses?!", Papyrus asked. "Then you could see and look cool at the same time!"

"Eh...", you said. "I don't really want to wear sunglasses either..."

"Why is that, Frisk?!", Papyrus asked. "I love sunglasses! Why, I'd wear them myself, but the wife says I have beautiful eye sockets..." He smiled coyly.

"I dunno..." You shrugged. "I think they're... a little pretentious? Like people who wear them think they're too cool for school or something? Look, I can see just fine when I squint. It's not that big of a deal, and I don't have to look like a huge nerd or a tool bag..."

"So you'd rather look Asian?", Chara asked.

"Yeah. I mean, no! I mean... not that there's anything wrong with looking Asian..." You sighed. "I always thought my squinting made me look kinda... badass... You know, like Clint Eastwood or something..." You squinted, formed your hands into guns, and pointed them into the air. "Fweee ooohhh wooo!", you whistled. "Wahhh wahhh wahhh!", you sang. "C'mon, tell me I don't look like a cowboy!" You grinned.

"You look like a cowboy." She nodded in agreement and took a drink. She wasn't lying, you did actually look like a cowboy. Just not the one you thought. When she looked at you, she didn't see Clint Eastwood in _The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly_ , like you envisioned. Instead, she saw one of the cowboys from a lesser known Western, _Shanghai Noon_. The one that wasn't played by Owen Wilson.

* * *

Two blue fists pounded down hard on the table, startling everyone seated at it, and sending a little bit of everyone's drinks into the air.

Undyne placed her hands on her hips. "Sup' punks?"


	4. Fish Magician and Lizard Wizard

Undyne stood off to the side of your table, grinning, her hands on her hips. Her highly saturated red hair was down, flowing from her scalp, down to her shoulders and beyond. She wore her usual black leather biker jacket over a tight t-shirt advertising an anime you had never heard of before, that appeared to be about attack helicopters anthropomorphized as little girls. She had cut a v-neck deep into the t-shirt to show off her mammaries, which she had despite not being mammalian. She wore a pair of tight blue jeans, with slashes cut into them, from the thighs, down to the knees. Her feet were covered by a pair of well worn biker boots.

Alphys stood off to the right and slightly behind her partner, eyeing your table through a pair of hipsterish black plastic glasses. "H-hey g-guys!" She smiled a little shyly and waved. She wore a dark red dress with a black sweater that matched her glasses.

"Oh!" Your heart was pounding like a dryer with a cinder block in it. You placed a hand on your chest in an attempt to contain it, lest it burst through your rib cage like a parasitic alien baby. "H-hey guys! Y-you startled me! Whew!" You took a couple deep breaths.

Chara stared at the intruders, her face shaped in an expression she hadn't worn in a long, long time. She quickly recognized the pair and realized that they weren't intruders, but were, in fact, allies, and that they posed no threat to... you... She forced her homicidal smile into a more pleasant one. Sort of... It still came off as slightly deranged. "Greetings..." A drop of Rum and Coke rolled down her cheek and she raised a hand to wipe it away. Her fingers were still white from the tight grip they had had on the handle of her knife, underneath the table.

"Undyne, Doctor Alphys!" Papyrus got up, walked over, and hugged them both simultaneously. "It has been far too long!"

"Uh, hey Papyrus!" Undyne patted Papyrus on the back. "We, uh, saw you earlier today, remember?"

"H-hey!", Alphys said. "Y-yeah, it's been like... three hours..."

"Still too long!" Papyrus released the two of them. "Please, sit down!" Papyrus gestured to the two seats at the head of the table as he walked back to his own seat. "Frisk tells me my brother and my _de facto_ sister in law saved the best table in the house for us!"

"They did? Well, that was nice of them!" Undyne walked over to the two seats at the head of the table. "Huh, this might be the first time being connected to your brother has been an asset, rather than a liability!" She pulled a chair out and looked over at Alphys. "Babe?"

"Oh, thank you, Undyne!" Alphys sat down in the chair that Undyne had prepared for her.

Undyne helped Alphys scoot her chair in, then took her jacket off, and draped it around the other chair, before pulling it out and sitting down. "So you guys ready to get shitto and laugh our asses off?! Let's get this party started! Who wants shots?!" She put her arm around Alphys. "You in, Baby Doll?"

"Uh, Undyne, I don't think that's a good idea..." Alphys smiled with her teeth together. "I think you, uh, I mean, _we_ should take it easy tonight..."

"Why?" Undyne scoffed. "I'm sick of taking it easy! How long has it been since we cut loose?! I mean, _really_ cut loose!"

"Uh... less than a week ago?", Alphys said. "You know, um, last time we were here, actually?"

"Oh yeah, last time!" Undyne smiled and shook her head. "Now that was a hoot! I mean, I think it was..." Undyne touched her chin and tried to retrieve some memories from the occasion, but her brain seemed to have misplaced them... "Hmmm... Eh, I'm sure it was! Let's get crazy tonight, Babe, just like last time!"

"Um... I dunno...", Alphys said. "Do you remember what happened last time?"

"Uh, no.", Undyne said. "I was blackout drunk, remember?"

"Yeah, uh, I do..." Alphys placed her hand on Undyne's cheek. "Do you remember what I told you happened?"

"Uh, vaguely..." Undyne scratched her head. "I was having a little trouble focusing, thanks to that killer hangover..."

"Ok..." Alphys dropped her hand from Undyne's cheek and her smile. "Then do you remember the video I showed you on World Star Hip Hop the next day?"

"Oh yeah!" Undyne laughed and slapped her hand on the table. "That chick was sooooo drunk! She was pretty hot, too! You guys gotta see this!" Undyne pulled her phone out and turned it on.

"Uh, Undyne..." Alphys put her hand on Undyne's shoulder.

"One second, Babe! I'm looking for the video!" Undyne tapped the phone screen. "Drunk... fish... girl... throws... bar... stool... at..." She narrated her search query as she typed it out.

"Undyne, please, don't..." Alphys gently shook Undyne's shoulder. "I d-don't think you understand..."

"Found it! Ok guys, check this out..." Undyne tilted her phone screen so everyone could see.

"Undyne, you realize that's you in the video, right?!", Alphys said.

"It is?!" Undyne looked at her phone, at the blurry, shaky, video, which appeared to have been filmed using a cucumber, one that was bad at capturing video, even by cucumber standards, and finally recognized that hot, drunk, not entirely clothed, fish girl as herself. "Oh!" At first this revelation shocked her. "Oh..." Then, when she remembered the first part of the video, she felt a little disturbed. "Oh!" Then, for a short second after remembering the next part, she was proud of herself. "Oh..." Then, when she remembered how the video ended... remorseful. She let out a long sigh, falling back in her chair as she exhaled, like she was deflating. She stopped the video, put her phone to sleep, and put it back in her pocket. "Ok, I get it. No shots."

"I'm sorry, Undyne." Alphys put her arm around Undyne. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just wanted to remind you to take it easy tonight and not get too crazy."

"It's cool, babe." Undyne leaned over and hugged Alphys. "Yeah, I'll take it easy. It won't be like last time."

"Thank you." Alphys patted her partner on the shoulder. "It's ok, we'll still have fun."

"Does this mean you're not going to show us the video?!", Papyrus asked.

Undyne chuckled, perking up a little bit. "Yeah, sorry, Papyrus. It's a little embarrassing... You can see her, I mean, _my_ lady bits for a few seconds..."

Chara's eyebrows rose. She was filled with... curiosity. She committed the website Alphys mentioned and Undyne's search query to her memory for later.

"Nothing I haven't seen before!", Papyrus said.

"Yeah, that's true!" Undyne laughed and nodded.

"Yes it is..." Alphys nodded. "Because you were there, Papyrus! You saw all of this happen live!"

"Wait, you're telling me _I'm_ in this video, as well?!" Papyrus placed his hand bones on his sternum. "Now I really want to see it!"

The drink waiter was making her rounds, when she noticed a pair of new faces at your table and stopped. "Hi guys, welcome to Grillby's! Can I get you newcomers something to drink?"

Undyne turned to Alphys. "So, taking it easy means I can still have a drink or two, right?"

"Yes, of course." Alphys nodded. "But yeah, um, no more than... three or so."

"Alright!" Undyne turned to the drink waiter and raised a finger into the air. "Yes, I'll have a whiskey, neat."

"Undyne!" Alphys threw her hands into the air.

"What?" Undyne shrugged. "I only get three drinks. I'd better make them count!"

"Uh, I think you're missing the, uh, point here..." Alphys rubbed the back of her neck.

"It's ok, babe! I can handle it!" Undyne pointed to herself with her thumb. "I can drink like a fish, remember?!"

"Yes, ok... But please, be careful..." Alphys turned to the drink waiter. "C-could I get a, uh, G-gin and Tonic, please?"

The drink waiter left and returned shortly with Undyne and Alphys's drinks. The five of you chatted amongst yourselves.

* * *

"...So my partner and I responded to a report of someone disturbing the peace." Undyne had her elbows on the table and was emphasizing her story with her hands. "This punk had been snorting Temmie Flakes all day and was drugged out of his mind. He had recently shoplifted a dozen frozen turkeys from the local supermarket and was threatening to throw them at people."

"Hmmm!" You leaned in and propped your chin up with your arm.

"My partner distracted him and I charged in and tackled him. Or maybe he was just talking with him?" Undyne's eye rolled upwards and stayed there momentarily before returning to her audience. "I don't remember. It doesn't matter. Anyway, I tackled him and we wrestled for a while, then he pulled out a knife..."

"Oh wow!" You tried to lean in further, but since you were already at the edge of your seat, you nearly fell out of your chair instead.

"Goodness!" Papyrus covered his mandible with his phalanges.

"Ooh!" Chara snapped to attention upon hearing the magic word. "What kind of knife was it?!"

"I'm not sure exactly." Undyne paused for a moment to think, rubbing her gills. "It was some sort of military-looking thing... Maybe a Ka-Bar?"

"Mmmm!" Chara nodded and gave a thumbs up. "Sweet!"

"Yeah, it was a mean looking son of a bitch!" Undyne smiled proudly and picked up her whiskey. "He probably could have gut me like a fish with it, but I didn't give him the chance to find out!" She pointed at her audience with the same hand she used to hold her drink. "My old Royal Guild training kicked in and I did a perfect double roundhouse kick, disarming him with the first pass and hitting him in the head with the second!" She raised her whiskey to her lips.

"Awesome!" You tightened your hands into fists. "And that knocked him out?"

"No, that killed him.", Undyne said, before tilting a DUI's worth of whiskey into her mouth.

"Oh... oh wow..." Your fists unraveled and fell limp on the table. You spine gave out and you fell back into your chair.

"Awesome!" Chara tightened her hands into fists and seriously considered a career in law enforcement. Maybe being a good guy wouldn't be so bad?

"That's why I had to take a couple weeks off." Undyne set her whiskey down on the table. "And why there were all those anti-police-brutality protests downtown for a while..."

"Oh yeah, I remember that!" Chara nodded enthusiastically. "Getting around downtown was a real nightmare for a while after that..."

"Yeah, it sucked. They should have sent us in to take care of the protesters." Undyne punched the palm of her hand, making a surprisingly loud smacking sound. "Buncha' ungrateful punks... They need to have some respect beaten into them..."

"Yeah!" Chara shook her fist in agreement. "I wanted to yell 'get a job, hippies' at them, but Frisk disabled the passenger side window somehow..." She glared in your direction.

"I did that because you threw my ice scraper at some poor disabled kid!" You threw your hands in the air.

"Yeah, well..." Chara crossed her arms. "Maybe _he_ should have thought about that before being all retarded and stuff... Seriously, who taught him how to use crutches?"

"Since, uh, Undyne suddenly had a fourteen day vacation, I took some time off too, and we drove out to the coast for a few days." Alphys took her phone out of her purse, a late model MTT brand mPhone. This amazing piece of technology, which would have made the list of top one hundred super computers, ten years ago, was used primarily to share pictures of Alphys and Undyne's cats on Facebook, shitpost on imageboards, and watch anime on the toilet. She pressed the power button on the top left, waking up the 6,220,800 little LEDs that lived on the screen. "Here, I have some pictures..." She held the phone out horizontally, so everyone could see, then tapped the screen a couple times, bringing up the vacation pictures.

"Oooh! So beautiful!", Papyrus said, admiring a selfie of Alphys and Undyne standing in front of the sun setting over the ocean.

"Yeah, it was great!" Undyne picked up her drink again. "I should kill people more often!"

"That's us at the beach..." Alphys dragged the current picture to the left, off the screen, and the next picture in the series filled the void. "There's our hotel room..." She dragged a photo of Undyne relaxing on the hotel bed, with her arms behind her head, off the screen. "There's... oh God!"

"Eep!" Papyrus covered his eye sockets with his metacarpals. "Ok, here is something I've never seen before!"

"Woah!" You could not grasp the true form of what you were seeing.

"Mmmm!", Chara said, mid-drink. She swallowed and lowered her glass. "Nice!"

Undyne spit a mouth full of whiskey out, onto the table. "Agh!" She put her hands on her head. "I... I... I thought you said you deleted those!"

Alphys pressed the screen of her phone up against her chest. "I... I thought I did! I... must have missed this one!"

"Delete it! Delete it!" Undyne pounded on the table, making everyone's drinks jump slightly with every hit. You, Chara, and Papyrus simultaneously reached for your glasses.

"Ok, one second..." Alphys tapped the phone screen. "Oh God, it's the video..." She clenched her eyes shut and rubbed her temples for a moment. "Ok, deleting..." She returned her eyes to the screen, tapped it again, and you heard, as far as you could tell, the sound of someone repeatedly slapping an alligator skin boot with a raw tilapia, coming from her phone. "No, don't play it! Don't play it! Agh!" Alphys frantically tried to stop the video, but it was too late; you had heard everything.

Chara turned to you. "Why haven't we tried that?", she whispered.

"Because I don't have gills.", you whispered back.

"Oh, right..." Chara frowned.

Alphys gained control of her phone and deleted the homemade interspecies homosexual pornographic film from it. Things settled down and everyone resumed conversing as before.

* * *

"Well, I'm glad to hear work has been going well for you, Undyne." You turned to Alphys. "So how about you, Alphys? How's work been treating you?"

"O-oh, pretty well..." Alphys swallowed. "T-that's, uh, all I can say u-unfortunately..."

"Oh, that's right!" You placed a hand on your forehead. "Sorry, I forgot you're not supposed to talk about it..."

"Y-yeah, sorry... I w-wish I could say more..." Alphys gave a nervous shrug.

"Oh, it's cool.", you said. "I understand, it's all top secret, government research..."

"Reputedly!" Alphys held her hands up in front of herself and glanced around nervously.

"Right!" You nodded vigorously in agreement. "Yes, these are all just assumptions! But, uh, you like doing what you do, right? Can you tell us that, at least?"

"Well..." Alphys tilted her head back and forth, trying to decide whether she should divulge this information or not. "I suppose there's no harm in telling you that much... Yes. Things are going well at work. Very well, actually!" She smiled and nodded.

"Ok, that's good!" You smiled and nodded back. "Glad to hear it!"

"Yeah!", Alphys said. "I really do love what I do! And it's so much easier on the Surface... I mean, um, back in the Underground, every piece of equipment I had, and couldn't make myself, had to be salvaged from the garbage... And, uh, you know, lab equipment is not cheap! People aren't going to throw away something like a... a... an electron microscope, unless there's something seriously wrong with it! I used to spend at least half of my time dealing with temperamental equipment that had been jury rigged back together with duct tape and even, on a few occasions, chewing gum! Now, I have access to all sorts of things I couldn't even dream of before... Like nuclear reactors, super computers, interocitors, clean rubber gloves, an endless supply of convict test subjects, a gigabit Internet connection... you name it!"

"Wait..." You pointed at Alphys. "W-what was that?"

"Uh, a gigabit Internet connection?", she asked. "Yeah, it's, uh, pretty amazing... I stream anime in 4K during my lunch break. I mean, uh, technically I'm not supposed to, but, um, you know..."

"No, the, uh..." You shook your finger. "The one before that."

"Interocitors?", she asked. "Yeah, I'm, um, not entirely sure what they do... I've been using ours to heat water for ramen... And sometimes we throw the intensifier disk around, you know, uh, like a Frisbee?"

"No the, uh... Eh, never mind." You shook your head. "Well, I'm glad you're happy, doing... whatever it is you do..."

"I'm... I'm working on a laser gun for the military!", Alyphs said.

Papyrus gasped.

"W-what?" Your eyes went wide, your eyebrows went and hid under your bangs, and your forehead wrinkled up, like a Jack Russell Terrier had been sleeping on it, then the door bell rang.

Alphys scanned the room for potential government agents, anyone with dark sunglasses, an earpiece, a dark suit with blow-gun shaped lumps near the jacket pockets... Once she was confident that nobody matching that description was present, she leaned in close and motioned for the rest of you to do the same. Everyone at your table huddled in. "I'm... I'm working on a new laser weapon.", she whispered. "It's, uh, cutting edge... Magic powered, light weight, energy efficient, accurate, powerful... horrifyingly so! I saw it bore through a Chinese Type 99 tank in a matter of seconds... The military thinks they're just the thing for their new fleet of stealth drones..."

"Alphys!", you whispered. "Why are you telling us this! You could get in huge trouble!"

"Yes, Alphys!", Papyrus tried to whisper. "In a wretched hive of sum and villainy like this... There's bound to be some spies around!" He looked around the room. Just about everyone looked like a potential spy... "Imagine if this technology got into the wrong hands... Like, for example... the Canadians!" Papyrus shivered. "I thought I saw a Zamboni in the parking lot..."

"Hey buddy!", Papyrus overheard a slightly accented voice say. He turned his scull towards the source of the voice, a lumberjack looking man, dressed all in flannel, ordering a drink at the bar. "So, I don't suppose you fellas get Molsons down here, do ya?", the man asked Grillby.

"Epp! T-there he is!" Papyrus jerked his scull back to Alphys. "Lphysaay, ixnay hetay aserlay alktay! 'Ooselay ipslay inksay hipssay!'"

"I... I...", Alphys stammered. "I'm sorry, I just can't help it! I had to tell you guys! I just hate keeping secrets now, after the Amalgamates... But also, it's just so... so..." Alphys curled her hands into fists and shook them. "...cool! It's like one of my Japanese animes!"

"It really is." Undyne nodded. "The thing sounds amazing! It makes a 'bzzzzztttttt!' sound as it powers up then a 'peeeeewwwwww!' sound when it shoots the laser out! It sounds exactly like you'd imagine a laser would! It's like... something out of _Flash Gordon_ or something!"

"You've seen it in action?! How... how did you get clearance?!" You turned to Alphys. "Did you smuggle her in or something?"

"Seen it? Hell, I've shot the damn thing!" Undyne aimed an invisible laser rifle. "Alphys borrowed one over the weekend a couple weeks ago and we took it into the woods and shot some cans! It vaporized the suckers! And the rocks we put them on! And the mountain behind them..."

"Good Lord!" You placed your hand on your forehead.

"Are you guys sure that's safe?" Papyrus tilted his scull.

"Oh, don't worry, Papyrus!" Undyne placed a hand on Papyrus's clavicle. "We wore ear protection!"

"Yeah," Alphys said, "and we only had it set at power level one out of eleven."

"How did you get away with that?!", you asked. "Did they let you just walk out with the thing?!"

"Yeah, pretty much." Alphys nodded. "I just told my boss, 'John, I'm going to take one of the prototype lasers home over the weekend.' and he said 'Sure, just don't get Cheeto dust all over the trigger like Larry did.'"

"Your boss is ok with employees borrowing top secret, experimental military hardware?!" You put your hands on your head.

"Yeah, he's totally fine with it.", Alphys said. "I mean, uh, he takes one home just about every weekend. He says that it works great for lighting his barbecue grill, and, um... he doesn't have to mess around with lighter fluid or anything..."

You lowered your hands and shook your head. "I thought... I thought you said you were done with this sort of... mad science kinda stuff? How did you get involved in this again?"

Alphys sighed. "I didn't really have a choice. They sort of... blackmailed me into it..."

"They did?!", you asked. "How so?"

"Well, it was shortly after Undyne and I moved in together.", Alphys explained. "Another human/monster treaty had been signed. You know, the one where Asgore agreed to share all of monsterkind's scientific knowledge with the humans?"

"Yeah, I remember that one." You nodded. "In exchange, Dad got a Foosball Table. I'd say it was a fair trade."

"If you remember, I was working for Coca-Cola, at the time." Alphys continued. "I was trying to come up with an artificial Golden Flower flavoring, so they could launch Golden Flower Coke, you know, to, uh, tap into the new monster market? Then one day, there was a knock at the door-"

"I answered it.", Undyne interrupted. "There were these two G-Men at the door, asking for Alphys. I asked who they were and what they wanted and they wouldn't give me an answer. They kept telling me 'it's classified'." Undyne made air quotes and mocked the agents' uptight way of speaking.

"Their arguing woke me up and I walked out of the bedroom, half asleep, and half naked.", Alphys continued. "They recognized me and asked if they could come inside and 'chat'."

"In private." Undyne folded her arms. "After some convincing, and some threats, I went for a 'jog'. Really, I just ran around the house and listened in through the window."

"The agents and I sat down at the kitchen table.", Alphys said. "They said that the human government had acquired my research, and that they wanted me to work for them, as a, uh, expert in magical technology. I, of course, turned them down, saying that I was not interested in reentering that field. They explained that if I refused, I could potentially be prosecuted for my experiments involving the human souls... 'Crimes Against Humanity', is, um, what they called it... But if I agreed... They could make that information... disappear..." She waved her hands in the air like a magician might at the end of a trick.

"Oh, wow..." You ran a hand through your hair. "It's like _Operation Paperclip_ all over again..."

"Yes, exactly." Alphys nodded. "Except, uh, I'm not a Nazi. So, um, I saw no other choice, but to accept their offer. And yes, I'm glad I did. I missed science. I mean, real science..." She shook her fists. "Not the crap I did at Coke, trying to find an animal whose dried perineal glands tasted like Golden Flowers..."

"Wait...", you said. "Is that... is that really where the Golden Flower flavoring in Golden Flower Coke comes from?"

"Probably." Alphys shrugged. "When I left Coke, we had a breakthrough with koala perineal glands. I imagine that's what they ended up using."

"Dang..." You looked down and shook your head. "I'd better tell Dad. He's addicted to the stuff... Wouldn't it be cheaper just to use real Golden Flowers?"

"You'd think so.", Alphys said. "But, uh, no. Koala perineal glands are very inexpensive. You can get a whole pallet of 'em for next to nothing... If you, um, want any, I know a guy..."

"No, no!" You waved your hands and shook your head. "I'm good! Really!"

"Ok...", Alphys said. "Well, uh, let me know if you change your mind..."

* * *

"So, have you heard anything from Mettaton lately, Alphys?", you asked.

"Yeah, uh, I have, actually.", Alphys said. "He's doing well, but, um, very busy. He's going to fly back here for a few days after they finish shooting his new movie, for a tune up and a firmware update, before he has to fly back to begin the promotional tour."

"Oh, ok.", you said. "That's cool. Did you guys see his latest movie? What did you think?"

"The wife and I did not care for the language!" Papyrus shook his scull. "Nor all the violence, nudity, the lingering close up shots of his legs... Ugh!" Papyrus cringed and took a drink of his wine.

"Not enough action. And whoever choreographed those fight scene should be fired." Undyne chased her harsh review with a swig of bottom shelf room temperature whiskey.

"Not enough violence.", Chara said. "And not enough sex. And not enough... sexual violence... Needless to say, we turned it off half way through and put on _Hostel_."

"Again." You rolled your eyes.

"Hey, it's a good movie!" Chara raised a hand into the air. "It's one of those movies where you kinda root for the bad guys, you know?"

"No.", you said. "No, I don't. So, I thought it was ok, but if I had been in Mettaton's situation, I would have just dodged his evil clone's attacks, then try and reason with him, or maybe... tell a joke, or, knowing Mettaton, try flirting..."

"Ugh, where do I begin..." Alphys shook her head. "First of all, um, it was completely unfaithful to the original manga it was based off of! I can't believe they removed Kankutahdah, the magical dragon sidekick! Second of all, it was totally unrealistic... I mean, uh, making an evil clone of Mettaton from a screw?" She rolled her eyes. "You'd need at least three, maybe four! Third of all, all the technical inaccuracies relating to Mettaton... Like, for example, ice skates popping out of the bottom of his feet?!" She scoffed multiple times. "Yeah, right! That's where I installed the roller blades! Fourth of all.."

* * *

"...Thirty seventh of all," Alphys continued, "in the last movie, he lost the ability to transform into his EX form, after the tragic death of his partner and, uh, lover in the first scene. It was a really big part of the plot, but now, um, all of a sudden, he can do it again, with absolutely no explanation?! Come on! Thirty eighth of all-"

"Hey guys!" Bonita stood next to the table, her hand bones in the air.

"Oh, hey, there you are!" You immediately perked up. Bonita's appearance was a welcome respite from Alphy's autistically meticulous analysis of Mettaton's latest film. "I was wondering when you'd come back! Please, sit down and tell us all about introducing Sans to your coworkers!"

"Oh, thank God!" Papyrus shut his eyes and clutched his temples for a moment. "I mean, uh... Thank God you're alright, Bonita! I was worried sick about you! Please, sit down and tell me again which of your coworkers are, uh, 'total bitches', was it?!"

"Hey, Boney!", Undyne said. "I'm very, very, very glad you're here! Yeah, pop a squat, and tell us all about your adventures, uh... what Frisk said!"

"Greetings, uh..." Chara yawned and stretched. "Ooh, excuse me! Yes, please sit down and talk about, uh... literally anything else!"

"Oh, h-hey, Bonita!", Alphys said. "I'll, uh, finish telling you guys everything wrong with the new Mettaton film later..."

"So, the show will be starting soon." Bonita pulled a chair out and sat down. "Sans had to go back stage and get ready. He goes on at ten, so that's..." She pulled her phone out and checked the time. "...about seven minutes from now! Ooh, I can't wait!"

Seven minutes later, the lights dimmed and a spotlight lit up the center of the stage. Sans walked out to applause. Everyone at your table stood up and cheered.

"Wooo!", you cheered. "Break a, uh... tibia, Sans! And, uh, I guess a fibula, too?!"

"Wooo, Sans!", Papyrus cheered. "That's my brother!"

Sans raised his hands into the air, calming the audience down. "Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. No, I mean, really. You guys are too kind. I have all of these awesome retorts I've come up with over the years, to deal with hecklers, but I've never had the chance to use any of them..."

The audience laughed.

"You suck!", Papyrus shouted, playfully.

"So does your mother!", Sans shouted back and pointed at his brother. "Wait... was that you, Papyrus? Well, shoot, that kinda backfired..." Sans scratched his scull, a little too close to the microphone. The audience, minus Papyrus and Bonita, screamed in pain and covered their ears.

"What, is that sound unpleasant or something?!", Papyrus asked everyone at your table.

"Doesn't bother me." Bonita took a sip of her drink.

"Oops, sorry about that!" Sans ceased his scull scratching. "Well, this show is off to a great start... Anyway, I'm Sans. And I'm going to tell some jokes."

Upon hearing this news, three spider monsters whispered for a moment amongst themselves, then they all got up at the same time and walked towards the exit.

"Hey, spider bros!", Sans said to the trio of spiders. "New material tonight! No more 'spiders are the Jews of monsters' jokes tonight, I promise!"

The three spiders stopped and talked between themselves for a moment before reluctantly returning to their table and sitting back down.

"Thanks, guys!", Sans said. "Now, for my first joke: why do spider women prefer their men circumcised?"

The three spider monsters stood up again.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Sit back down, ya frugal arachnids!" Sans looked over at the drink waiter. "Hey, Cindy? Could you please get those guys a pitcher of something, on me, for being such good sports? But, uh, something domestic, please... I don't care if they stay _that_ much..."

Cindy, the drink waiter, nodded and walked to the bar to fetch the, now cheering, spider monsters a pitcher of cheap beer.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you deal with spider monsters.", Sans said. "Just buy something!"


	5. Sansfield

Sans set his Bloody Mary down on the stool next to him on stage, then lifted the microphone out of its stand, up to his perpetually grinning mouth. "So, as I said earlier, my name is Sans. And... I am a monster. No, not because I'm a walking, talking skeleton, but because of all those puppies I murdered before I came here tonight."

The audience laughed, except for Chara who cheered. "Whoo! Murder!"

"Seriously, though," Sans continued, "I am a monster, a skeleton monster, and I, like many of you here, was born and raised in the Underground..."

All the monsters in the audience cheered.

Sans blocked the stage lights with his hand and scanned the audience. "Huh, looks like we got some fans of the Underground here tonight..."

All the monsters cheered again.

Sans put his free hand on his hip. "So if you liked the Underground so much, why'd ya leave?"

The audience laughed.

"Really, though." Sans paced around the stage. "Shortly after we got to the surface, my brother and I went to see the world. And one thing I learned from the trip was, well, the Underground wasn't so bad, really."

The audience chuckled, many of the monsters nodding in agreement with Sans.

"I mean, we had a pretty high quality of life." Sans held his hand out. "Little crime, little poverty, everyone was pretty happy... If I had to choose between going back Underground or moving to say... Detroit, I'd take the Underground any day!"

The audience laughed, except for that one guy from Detroit.

"You know what the difference between the Underground and Detroit is?", Sans asked the audience. "One is a dark hole filled with monsters and trash, and the other is the Underground!"

The audience laughed, except for that one guy from Detroit who booed. After the show, he went back to Detroit and was shot.

Sans picked up his Bloody Mary and took a quick drink. "So you guys enjoying yourself at Grillby's tonight?"

All the members of the audience who had had more than two drinks cheered.

"Good, good." Sans set his drink back down. "So, you know, I've been coming to Grillby's for a long, long time. I used to frequent the original one, back in my old home town of Snowdin..."

A hand full of monsters in the audience, the ones that mother nature blessed with the ability to live in colder climates, cheered.

"Yeah, I remember you guys." Sans nodded in the direction of the other former Snowdin inhabitants. "So, yeah, I'm one of the old school Grillby's fans. And, you know, I'm happy for how successful this place has been on the surface and all, but sometimes... I get a little annoyed with how popular and trendy it is now. Like, I come in here and see all these new faces, and I'm like, 'Psh! Posers... _I_ was into Grillby's when it was still Underground!'" He placed a bony hand on his bony chest.

The audience laughed, except for that hipster who booed, before adjusting his scarf and taking a sip of his PBR.

Chara laughed out loud. She was actually enjoying the show. Not that she didn't enjoy Sans's stand up the other times she had seen it, but not this much... She couldn't remember getting this much of a kick out of his antics before. She had chuckled and smiled at his earlier performances, but actual laughter? This must have been an effect of the alcohol... She understood, for the first time, why someone might become an alcoholic... Perhaps, if she didn't have you, and if she had made it to legal drinking age without acting out on her urges... She raised her glass to her lips, tilted it back, and was hit in the face with a solid block of ice. "Ow!" She rubbed her face and looked at what was left of her Rum and Coke, a mostly empty glass with brown stained ice cubes in the bottom that had fused together in the shape of a graduated cylinder.

"So, uh, I've been a comedian for a long time.", Sans said. "I used to do shows at the MTT Resort, back in the Underground, if any of you remember..."

A few of the older members of the audience cheered. Chara reached for your shoulder. She was going to ask you if she could get a refill, but at the last second, she hesitated. You were really enjoying the show... She didn't want to interrupt you. Besides... She frowned and narrowed her eyes as sharp as knives. She was an adult. She didn't need to ask for permission. She felt perfectly fine, just a little more cheerful and, perhaps, uninhibited than she usually did. She could monitor her own alcohol intake, she didn't need you to do it for her...

"Thanks, guys." Sans nodded at the audience. "So, it was pretty difficult getting started as a comedian. I hate to admit it, but early in my career I may have stolen a joke or two from some other comedians..."

The audience ooh'ed. Chara pushed her chair out and stood up. She grasped her drink glass firmly and marched towards the bar, with a determined swagger, without looking back, and without anyone noticing that she had left.

"Yeah, I used to steal jokes from other comedians." Sans looked straight down. "I still do, but I used to, too."

The audience laughed, except for the plebeians that were not familiar with the work of Mr. Mitch Hedberg.

"Yeah, alright." Sans turned his eyes back to the audience. "So, adjusting to life on the surface wasn't too difficult. One thing I wasn't expecting was... getting hit on by humans."

The audience chuckled, except for that one human skeleton fetishist.

"So, after one of my first shows on the surface, this human woman came up to me. She whispered into my ear..." Sans moved the microphone closer to his mouth. "'Bone me.'", he whispered in a soft feminine voice, before stepping back and looking at the audience with an exaggerated confused expression on his face.

The audience laughed. Chara walked back to the table, trying carefully not to spill her fresh Rum and Coke. She set it down on the table in front of her chair and sat down. Again, nobody noticed. She smirked and took a drink.

"Uh, sorry..." Sans rubbed the back of his head. "I don't give out bones. I mean, not anymore. I used to, but people didn't always return them..."

The audience chuckled, except for Papyrus, who remembered that Sans still had his spare femur. And his lawn mower...

"And, uh, that expression that you're wearing..." Sans squinted at the audience. "It kinda looks to me like you plan on using that bone for something less than wholesome... I'm not sure I'd want it back after you were done with it..."

The audience laughed. Sans took the opportunity to take a quick sip of his drink.

"So, that obviously didn't work, so she tried again with another pickup line: 'I want you inside me!'", he said with the same feminine voice as before. Then he leaned back and looked at the audience with another confused expression. "What?! But lady, you already have a skeleton inside you... I mean, there's not enough room to fit me in there, too... Besides, what do you need two skeletons for, anyway?"

The audience laughed, except for that woman who suffered from Multiple Skeleton Disorder, or MSD, a real disorder that affects thousands of people daily, and should not be made light of.

"After that, she gave up on the innuendo, and made it explicitly clear what she wanted from me.", Sans said. "And you know... For a second there I did consider it."

The audience went silent. A few members audibly gasped.

"Yeah, I know. I thought to myself, 'Ok, she's got a skeleton inside of her...'" He placed his hand on his forehead. "'If only I could see through that oily, disgusting skin... Maybe we could rent some time on an x-ray machine or something...'"

The audience laughed, except for that doctor who got at least one call a day from skeleton fetishists who wanted to use his x-ray machine for non-medical purposes.

"Seriously, though. If they ever invent x-ray glasses..." Sans pointed at the audience. "You bet your ass I'd be boning any human woman who wanted it!" He pointed to himself with his thumb. "A lot of skeleton monsters don't want to admit it, but it's true!"

The audience laughed, except for that human skeleton fetishist who left to go invent x-ray glasses. He went on to waste his life, ended up getting cancer from exposure to excessive amounts of x-ray radiation, and died a painful and lonely death. The world was objectively better off without him.

"He's right, you know." Bonita winked at you, then eyed your neckline. "You have very nice clavicles, Frisk..."

Sort of being hit on by a skeleton monster... it filled you with... discomfort. You fastened the top button of your shirt.

"Speaking of x-rays, the first time I visited a human hospital, I was a little shocked..." Sans looked around the stage, wide eye socketed. "I thought to myself, 'Damn, human hospitals are casual as hell... They got porno hanging up everywhere... It's like my dad's garage in here!'"

The audience laughed, except for that doctor who was tired of skeleton visitors stealing his x-rays, for non-medical purposes.

"And then I got kicked out for rummaging through a cooler." Sans crouched down and mimed carelessly rummaging through a cooler. "'Where do you guys keep the beer?'" He turned to the audience. "'There's nothing but human organs in here...'"

The audience laughed, except for that doctor that had to throw away all the organs that Sans touched and contaminated with ketchup.

"So, I didn't take this woman up on her offer." Sans stood back up. "I just... didn't find her attractive. But..." He raised a single finger into the air. "I will admit that I have been attracted to humans before."

The audience went silent again. Someone in the back cleared their throat.

"Yeah, it's true." Sans nodded at the audience. "So, once night, I come home late, and I'm just... completely wasted. I finally get the front door open, after trying with the wrong key for half an hour, and stumble inside."

The audience chuckled, except for Bonita who remembered this incident, unfondly.

"So, my girlfriend is asleep.", Sans continued. "She has work tomorrow, or, uh, today now... So I decide to just sleep on the couch so I don't wake her up. I lay down and decide to watch a little TV before bed. So I turn the TV on and immediately turn it down real low." Sans mimed turning the volume down on an invisible remote, glancing at the invisible bedroom door, where his invisible girlfriend was sleeping, on their invisible bed. "I start flipping through the channels..." He pretended to channel surf with his imaginary remote. "...when I come across what I think is softcore skeleton porn. It's in black and white, and it has all these skeleton girls dressed in these skin-tight outfits that leave absolutely nothing to the imagination... So, I'm drunk as hell, it's the middle of the night, I'm watching skeleton porn, I'm all alone... I think you can see where this is going..."

The audience chuckled. You leaned over to Chara and whispered, "He fixes the cable?"

Chara snorted. "Don't be fatuous, Frisk."

"So, I'm going at it." Sans leaned in, looked at the audience intensely, and mimed, uh, shaking his invisible remote. This gesture alone brought out laughter in the audience. "I'm just about finished... When suddenly, the lights come on. I look up, and my girlfriend's standing there in the bedroom doorway." He turned his head to the left, in the direction of his invisible girlfriend. "She starts screaming at me, 'Oh my God, Sans! You're disgusting, you're sick!'", he said, doing a less than flattering imitation of Bonita's voice. "I'm like, 'Whoa, calm down, baby! All guys do it!'" He held his hand up in the air, in front of himself. "And she's like, 'Yeah, but not to documentaries on the Holocaust!'"

The audience burst into a combination of laughter, cringing, and oy veying.

"That's not even a joke." Bonita shook her head. "It's an anecdote." She took another drink.

"I look back at the TV." Sans slowly turned his head back towards the audience and the invisible TV in front of it, his expression growing more horrified as he did so. "And I notice, for the first time, the History Channel logo in the bottom right of the screen..."

The audience's reactions continued, with renewed vigor, as Sans added more fuel to the flames.

"I turn the volume up..." Sans turned the volume up on his invisible remote. "...and I hear some British guy talking about 'the atrocities of the Third Reich' or something."

The audience continued to react. Sans gave them some time to simmer down before the figurative fire got hot enough to dispose of a body in.

"So yeah. I accidentally jerked off to footage from the Holocaust." Sans rubbed the back of his neck. "But you wanna to know what the really messed up part of all this is?"

The audience was noncommittal.

Sans chuckled. "Well, I don't blame ya, but I'm going to tell you anyway. So, the really messed up part was... The next day I torrented that documentary and saved it in my porn stash."

The audience burst into a combination of cringing, laughter, and cursing in Yiddish.

"Just kidding, just kidding." Sans shook his head. "Really, after I found out they were Jewish, I found them completely repulsive."

The audience went completely bonkers, except for that Jewish guy, who got on his phone and started the process of getting Sans blacklisted from ever doing comedy again.

Sans grinned and gave the audience a chance to calm down. "Thank you, thank you. So, uh, my first Halloween on the surface was... interesting."

The audience chuckled. Chara finished her second drink. She was feeling pretty good. She had a smile on her face and her head swayed slightly. She considered taking a break for a bit, and letting her body process what she had already consumed, but the alcohol was starting to affect her decision making capabilities. She decided one more wouldn't kill her and she got up and went to the bar without anyone noticing again.

"First of all," Sans said, "there are all these pornographic skeleton dolls displayed everywhere... It's like... I'm in some weeb's bedroom looking at their collection of hentai figurines."

The audience laughed, except Undyne and Alphys, who thought maybe their bedroom was Sans's inspiration for this joke.

"I didn't want to touch any of them. You know what they do with those things, don't you? It's called 'Hot Gluing'. Go home and Google that." Sans pointed at the audience.

The members of the audience who had heard of the term laughed. Those that didn't and followed Sans's advice, had a bad time.

"So, then it gets dark, and I see this hot naked skeleton woman walking around..." Sans leaned in and squinted across the audience. "I get a little closer and realize that it's just some human woman dressed up in a black outfit with a skeleton printed on it! Now, I'm usually pretty easy going when it comes to stuff like this, but I found this very offensive. I mean, this is like black-face, just with skeletons... 'Scull face'? I would have given her a piece of my mind, but I was, uh, distracted by something..." He looked down and jutted his jaw out.

The audience laughed, especially that human skeleton fetishist who knew what she was going to be for Halloween this year...

"'Oh man...'" Sans breathed into the microphone lecherously. "'That pubic bone... It's like I'm looking at the real thing...' I may have thrown a fun-sized Snickers bar on the ground next to her to get her to bend over..." Sans lobbed an imaginary candy bar into the audience. "'C'mon, c'mon... Oh, she sees it! She sees it! She's going for it... She's... Oh God, yes!'"

The audience laughed. Chara returned with drink number three. The show went on. Sans kept serving laughs, Grillby kept serving drinks.

* * *

"...You know why humans love Mettaton?", Sans asked the audience, his non-microphone hand on his hip. "Humans love Mettaton, because he makes Johnny Five look like the Terminator."

The audience laughed, except for you, who knew, from personal experience, just how violent Mettaton could be...

"Well, that's all I got. Thanks for listening. And for not throwing bar stools." Sans looked over at your table and squinted. "Undyne..." Undyne looked around and slinked down in her seat. Sans looked back at the audience and waved. "Goodnight! Make sure to give your bartenders a tip." He pointed at the audience. "Tell them to get better jobs."

The audience cheered and the lights came back up. Everyone at your table stood up and applauded.

Sans bowed a couple times then picked up his Bloody Mary. He turned and walked off the stage, holding his free hand up in the air and taking a long pull from his drink, before disappearing behind the curtains.

"Wow, that was great, wasn't it, "Ch-" You turned to Chara, or to Chara's empty seat, actually. "Huh..." Your applause slowed and finally stopped. You sat back down and looked around the room.

Minutes later, Chara returned to the table, a fresh drink in her hand.

"Hey, there you are!" You looked up at her. "You missed the end of the show! Where were you?"

"Oh, uh..." Chara set her drink on the table and sat down in front of it. "Sorry, I was, uh... in the bathroom?"

"Oh, ok." You nodded. Uh..."

Chara watched you eye her drink and frown. The diameter of her eyes increased, along with her heart rate.

"Why... why did you take your drink into the bathroom?" You looked up at her and grimaced slightly. "That seems... unsanitary..."

"T-take my drink in the bathroom?" Chara tilted her head. "Oh, oh! I uh... Well, um..." She looked around then leaned in and whispered into your ear. "I didn't really want to leave it here, unattended. You know, with Undyne..." She flicked her head in the direction of Undyne.

"Oh, yeah..." You glanced at Undyne. "I don't blame you..."

Undyne held her whiskey up in her hand and stared at it, while she struggled to keep it level. "Who... who keeps drinking my whiskey... I'll tell you who it is!" She pointed at you and Chara. "It's those damn spider monsters again! They... they don't want us fish monsters getting ahead..."

The drink waiter passed by. She saw that Undyne's glass of whiskey was nearly empty, and realizing that she hadn't refused a refill yet, saw an opportunity. "Hi, any of you guys need a refill or anything?"

"Yeah!" Undyne pointed at the drink waiter. "I'll have another whiskey, neat!"

"Uh, Undyne..." Alphys put her hand on Undyne's shoulder. "That's your third drink..." She pointed to the glass in Undyne's hand.

"Yeah, but uh..." Undyne struggled to focus on Alphys. "I beat Papyrus in arm wrestling, so he owes me a drink!"

"But, uh...", Alphys said. "You didn't really beat him, though... You just ripped his arm off and said 'I win'."

"Hey, that's a win in my book!" Undyne shrugged, spilling a little bit of her whiskey.

"Yes, it's fine, Doctor Alphys!" Papyrus took a napkin from the dispenser. "I concede defeat!" He began to dab the napkin at his sweater, where Undyne's spilled whiskey had landed.

"Well..." Alphys put her teeth together. "Why don't you cash in your winnings next time?"

"Because winnings don't carry over!", Undyne said. "I have to use it now! You know the rules..."

"I don't actually... Why don't they carry over?" Alphys scratched her head. "That seems... arbitrary..."

"Hey, I didn't make the rules..." Undyne shrugged.

"Actually you did, Undyne!" Papyrus pointed at Undyne. "Just before we arm wrestled!"

"Oh, so I did!" Undyne opened her single eye a little wider. "Well, I don't remember why I made that rule..." She scratched her head. "But, uh, rules are rules! Without rules, there would just be chaos! Anarchy! Teenagers openly beating nuns in the streets! Pineapple on pizza! Dogs developing video games!"

"That sounds terrifying!" Papyrus crumpled up the napkin and placed it on the table. "I agree with Undyne! This isn't 'Nam, there are rules here!"

"Um, I'm sorry..." The drink waiter looked around, uncomfortably. "There are other customers I need to serve... Would you like the whiskey, neat or not?"

Undyne looked at Alphys and pouted, her bottom lip quivering.

"Ehhh... Oh, alright. One more." Alphys raised a single finger into the air.

"Awww, thanks, Babe!" Undyne leaned over and planted a sloppy kiss on Alphys's cheek.

"But just one more, Undyne." Alphys shook her finger. "You'll thank me tomorrow..."

"Ok... And who will be paying for this?", the drink waiter asked.

"I will be paying!" Papyrus raised a hand into the air. "One second, please..."

"Agh!", Chara yelped and jumped back in her seat.

"Chara?!" You jerked your head in her direction. "What's wrong?!"

Chara scooted her chair out from the table and looked down. "Something... something just... grabbed me under the table!"

"Oh, my apologies, Chara! I think that may have been me..." Papyrus looked over at his shoulder, at the void where his arm should have been. "Yes, I appear to be missing an arm..."

"Oh, sorry, Papyrus!" Undyne reached below the table and picked up Papyrus's arm. "Sorry, I forgot I still had your arm... I was using it as a back scratcher earlier, you know, as a joke, then I must have put it under the table and forgot about it." She handed it over to Papyrus. "Sorry!"

"Oh, it's quite alright! I didn't even realize it was missing until now!" Papyrus pushed his arm back into its socket. *Click!* "Ah, there we are!" He moved his arm around to test its range of motion. "Good as new! Ok, sorry about the delay!" He reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet, and removed some cash. "One whiskey drink for the arm wrestling champion, and my good friend, Undyne, please!" Papyrus held the money out to the drink waiter. "And please make sure the glass is clean like she asked!"

"Certainly!" The drink waiter took the money from Papyrus. "I'll have that right out!" She left for the bar.

Undyne chuckled drunkenly. "That's not what 'neat' means, Papyrus."

* * *

A little later, Sans came to your table. "Hey guys!" He sat down next to Bonita. "So, how'd I do?"

"Oh, you did great honey, just like I knew you would!" Bonita wrapped her arms around Sans and kissed him on the cheek.

"Yeah, it was awesome!", Undyne said, her level of intoxication immediately apparent in her speech. "You made the audience your bitch!"

"Agreed!", Alphys said. "But, uh, minus the 'bitch' part..."

"Yeah, good stuff!" You gave Sans a thumbs up. "You just keep getting better and better..."

"I concur, my brother!" Papyrus patted his brother on the back. "Your new material is excellent! Great show!"

"I liked your joke about killing puppies.", Chara said.

"Aw, thanks, guys! And thanks for coming out to watch me. It means a lot to me. Really." Sans paused for a moment. "Now! Shots?"

"Hell, yeah!" Undyne pounded on the table. "Now you're talking!"

"Yeah, ok!" Bonita nodded.

"N-no, thanks." Alphys shook her head, then looked to Undyne. "And please Undyne, no more..."

"Ehhh...", you said. "Alright, I might as well. Lord knows I can't say no to free alcohol..."

"Um... I'll have one, I guess..." Chara shrugged.

"Huh?" You turned to Chara. "Do you think you can handle that? It's a lot of alcohol in a short amount of time..."

"Oh yeah!", Chara said, trying to look more sober than she was. "I'm fine! Really, I don't feel anything at all!"

"Ok, if you think you can handle it..." You looked at her drink glass, which was still mostly full. "Yeah, you should be ok. I see you haven't even finished your first drink yet."

"Yeah...", Chara said.

"Ok, that's five." Sans held up five fingers. "How about you bro? You want a shot?"

"No thank you!" Papyrus shook his head. "Remember, I'm the designated driver!" He placed his hand on his chest.

"Oh c'mon!" Sans held his hands out. "One's not gonna kill ya."

"You're right!", Papyrus said. "It's going to kill all three of us when we get in a car crash!"

Sans scoffed. "Ahh, you'll be fine. We're gonna be here for a couple more hours, right? That'll give you some time to sober up, won't it?"

"Well... Alright! Just one!" Papyrus raised his wine to his mouth.

"That's my brother!" Sans slapped Papyrus on the back.

Papyrus choked on his wine and coughed. He set the glass down and beat his chest a couple times. "S-Sans! *Cough, cough!* W-why!?"

"Whoops! Ok, be right back." Sans left and returned shortly with a tray of shots. He, Bonita, Undyne, you, Chara, and Papyrus took one.

Sans raised his shot glass and held it out in front of himself. Everyone followed suit. "To good food, bad laughs, and nice friends.", Sans said. "Cheers!"

"Cheers!", everyone repeated, then clinked their shot glasses together and quickly threw back the literal distilled bacteria excrement they contained.

"Ahhh!" Sans held the shot glass before his eyes. "That is smooth!"

"Ugh..." Bonita cringed. "That is awful... I wouldn't put that in my car..."

Papyrus frowned and shook his head. He chased the shot with some wine and swallowed. "Yuck! They should have taken the grains that went into this whiskey and made pasta out of them instead!"

"Aggghhhh..." You stuck your tongue out. "Gross... It tastes like... whiskey..."

Undyne slammed the shot glass on the table and raised her fists into the air. "Whoo!" She chased the shot of cheap whiskey with a swig of the exact same cheap whiskey.

"Ooh!" Chara placed her hand on her chest. "It kinda burns..." She coughed a couple times.

"You ok?" You placed your hand on Chara's upper back and rubbed.

"Yeah, I'm fine. *Cough!*" She raised her hands into the air slightly. "Whoo?" Her eyes were watering.

"Hey..." Alphys looked around the room. "Where did Undyne go?"

Undyne walked back to the table with a pitcher of beer and a stack of glasses. "Alright, who wants a Peeber?!"

"Undyne, what the hell!" Alphys put a hand on her head.

"What?!" Undyne set the glasses and pitcher on the table, spilling a little bit of the cheap, but still better than other cheap beers, beer. "Sans bought shots for us, so I thought I'd repay him! It's only polite!"

"With your favorite beer?" Alphys raised an eyebrow.

"Well, uh..." Undyne sloppily filled one of the glasses, spilling a little again. "Sans likes it too! Right, Sans?!" She held the glass out to Sans.

"Hell, I'll drink anything." Sans took the glass of equal parts beer and head from Undyne. "Thanks." He looked at you and Chara and held out his other hand. "Could one of you guys pass me the ketchup?"

"Uh..." Chara put her teeth together and looked to you.

"No." You shook your head.

* * *

A couple of burly monsters came out from behind the curtains onto the stage, carrying a table. They set the table down, then returned backstage and carried out some large speakers. On their third trip, the monsters brought some audio mixing equipment and a pair of microphones. A less burly monster came out from backstage and began connecting these things together with lengths of thick black wire, while the two burly monsters carried out a large flat screen TV.

"Hey guys, check it out." Sans pointed his thumb at the stage. "Looks like they're setting up for karaoke."

"Sweet!" Undyne stood up and stumbled a little bit. "Hey Babe, let's sing a song!"

"Uh, I dunno, Undyne...", Alphys said. "You k-know how uncomfortable I a-am with public speaking and, uh, s-singing..."

"Oh, c'mon, Babe! I got just the song for us! It's very... romantic!" Undyne stumbled over to table at the side of the stage where they kept the karaoke sign up sheets.

"O-ok..." Alphys began hyperventilating.

"How about you, Papyrus?", Sans asked his brother. "You gonna sing for us tonight?"

"Oh, I don't think so...", Papyrus said. "You know how I hate drawing attention to myself..."

"Hmm... We'll see about that...", Sans said to himself quietly, before turning to you. "How about you, kiddo? When are we gonna hear you sing something?"

"Uh..." You squinted at Sans. "Never?"

"Oh, and why is that?", Sans asked. "I know you aren't afraid of public speaking, mister Monster Ambassador to Humans."

"Yeah, I'm not, it's just..." You shrugged. "I dunno. I just don't sing."

"You don't sing?! Not at all?! Not even in the shower?! Not even when you're making a pizza pie?! How... how can you resist the temptation?!" Papyrus tossed an imaginary pizza pie in the air a few times. "Oh, c'e luna mezz'o mare! Mamma mia m'a maritare...", he sang.

"I dunno. I guess I'm a little self-conscious about my singing..." You raised your hand into the air. "I suppose anyone would be when they had a voice in the back of their mind telling them, whenever they tried singing, that they sucked and to shut up and start killing people..."

"Frisk!", Chara said under her breath and elbowed you in the ribs.

"Ow!" You rubbed your ribs then looked at her. "What?!"

She looked back at you, and opened her eyes just about as wide as they would go, before subtly tilting her head in the direction of your skeleton friends, who didn't know about your and Chara's complicated history.

"Oh!" You placed a hand on your head, hard enough that it made a smacking sound.

"Now, now, Frisk!" Papyrus said. "Everyone is their own worst critic! And you don't need to start killing people just because it's the cool thing to do these days..."

"Wait, kiddo..." Sans placed his elbows on the table and leaned in. "You're telling me you hear a voice in your head telling you to kill people?"

"Oh, uh..." You swallowed. "No! Of course not!" You shook your head. "I mean, not anymore... I mean... never! I don't hear voices! I was just kidding! It was a joke! Yeah, that's the ticket!"

"Right..." Sans nodded at you slowly, then dug into the pocket of his hoodie and pulled out a hand full of items. He held his hand up before his eyes and picked through the items, pushing change, pocket lint, bottle caps, and ketchup packets aside, until he found what he was looking for. "There it is." He took the pen from the pile and shoved the rest of the items back into his pocket. He reached for the napkin dispenser, removed a single napkin, and began writing on it. "Listen, kiddo, I'm going to give you the number of my shrink. I want you to call him and tell him what you told us. He should be able to get you some pills that will make the bad voices go away... And possibly most of your personality..."

"Really, Sans!" You held your hands up. "It was a joke! I don't... I don't hear voices! That's... that's ridiculous!"

"Sure..." Sans folded the napkin up, leaned across the table, and stuffed it into your breast pocket. "I get ya." He he winked at you.

You sighed and rolled your eyes, before turning to Chara. "So Chara, how about you? Why don't you sing something?"

"Me?!" Chara tilted her head and placed a hand on her chest. "No way!" She shook her head.

"Why not?" You shrugged. "You're a great singer!"

"What?!" She flinched back. "No I'm not!"

"Sure, you are!", you said. "Why don't you want to sing?"

"It's just..." Chara frowned and looked down at the table. "It's just not my scene, ok?"

"Yeah, alright." You nodded at her and placed your hand on top of her's. "I just... really like hearing you sing, is all..."

"Oh..." Chara looked up at you and smiled slightly. "You... you do?"

You smiled back at her. "Yeah, of cour-"

A screech of feedback forced its way into your and everyone else's ears, like those creepy alien bugs from _The Wrath of Khan_ , as the karaoke microphone powered up. "Through the gates of hell!", Undyne screamed from the stage, into the microphone. "As we make our way to heaven! Through the Nazi lines!" Her screaming was joined by the screaming of a heavy metal electric guitar. "Primo victoria!" She raised a fist into the air, then made eye contact with Alphys and enthusiastically motioned for her to join her on stage.

Alphys stared at Undyne, her hyperventilating becoming hyperhyperventilating, her heart rate rivaling that of a hummingbird. She shut her eyes, filled her lungs with air to their maximum capacity, and held it in for a few seconds. "Ok, you can do this, you can do this, you can do this...", she said quietly to herself as she exhaled. She opened her eyes and looked up on stage again, then to the dozens of people watching from the audience. "Ugh... Who am I kidding? No I can't..." She held her head in her hands, shut her eyes, and sighed. When she opened her eyes again, something in her peripheral vision drew her attention. Undyne's whiskey, a little less than half full, was sitting next to her. Alphys took another deep breath, then grabbed the glass, and slammed the last forty percent or so of concentrated liquid courage remaining in it.

"Woah!", you said, as you watched Alphys twist her neck and clench her eyes shut as she swallowed. She gasped, then stood up, and jogged over to the stage, nearly tripping on the way.

Everyone at your table cheered Alphys on, as she climbed up on the stage, with Undyne's help, and joined her in song. "We've been training for years, now we're ready to strike, as the great operation begins!" Undyne knew the words by heart, and strutted around the stage, banging her head when she wasn't singing. Alphys squinted at the TV screen displaying the lyrics, and recited them, in a mostly monotone voice, with occasional stuttering. "We're the first wave on the shore, we're the first one to fall, yet soldiers have fallen before! In the dawn they will pay, with their lives as the price, history's written today! In this burning inferno, know that nothing remains, as our forces advance on the beach! Aiming for heaven, though serving in hell, victory is ours, their forces will fall! Through the gates of hell, as we make our way to heaven, through the Nazi lines, primo victoria! On the 6th of June, on the shores of Western Europe 1944, D-Day upon us!" Undyne began banging her head through the bridge. Alphys grabbed her and kissed her passionately to cheers from the audience. Alphys raised a fist into the air.

While you were captivated by Undyne and Alphys's performance, Chara sensed an opportunity and snuck away. This time, she left her drink behind...

* * *

"Next up is..." The announcer squinted to read the chicken scratch on the karaoke sign up sheet. "Papy? Is there a Papy here? Wait, one second..." He wiped the ketchup off the paper. "Papyrus! Papyrus, come on up!"

"Me? But I didn't..." Papyrus looked at Sans. "Sans?! Did you..."

"Maybe..." Sans grinned back at Papyrus.

"Papyrus? You out there, buddy?", the announcer said.

"Papyrus! Papyrus! Papyrus!", the audience started chanting.

"C'mon brother.", Sans said. "You can't disappoint your fans."

"Ugh, alright!" Papyrus stood up and walked towards the stage. The audience cheered seeing him step on stage. Papyrus waved and picked up the microphone as the music started playing. "How lucky can one guy be?!", Papyrus sang. The audience cheered as they heard his voice, especially the female members. "I kissed her and she kissed me! Like the fella once said, ain't that a kick in the head!"

"Why is..." Chara stared at Papyrus singing on stage, from your table. "Why is Papyrus so good at singing?"

"No idea." You shook your head, without taking your eyes off Papyrus. "He sounds exactly like Dean Martin, doesn't he?"

"The room was completely black!", Papyrus sang. "I hugged her and she hugged back! Like the sailor said quote, 'ain't that a hole in the boat?!'"

"Maybe even better..." Chara took a drink without breaking eye contact with Dean Martin's undead vocal doppelganger.

"Yup, old Paps has got some pipes." Sans grinned. "That's why he talks a little loud. I don't know if you guys have noticed..."

"My head keeps spinning, I go to sleep and keep grinning, if this is just the beginning, my life is gonna be beautiful!" Papyrus outstretched his arm as he sang. The female monsters surrounding the stage squealed. One fainted and was caught by her friends.

The song finished and Papyrus walked back to your table to applause and cheering.

"Wow...", you said as you finished clapping. "That was amazing, Paps..."

"Thank you, thank you! I really do love singing, but I'm a little uncomfortable with all the attention I get..." Papyrus looked around the room at all the female monster eyeing him and waving at him alluringly.

Sans stared at the top of Papyrus's scull. "Hey, uh, bro?"

"Yes, Sans?!", Papyrus said as he sat down.

"You, uh, got something on your head..." Sans pointed to his own scull.

"I do?!" Papyrus reached up and removed a pair of panties from his head. "Good lord! Looks like I missed this one!" He stood up and tossed the panties into the pile on stage. He sat back down and heard giggling coming from a table of female monsters. "Ladies, please! I'm a married man!"

"I would have thrown mine in...", Chara whispered to you. "...but I'm not wearing any!" She giggled.

"Yeah...", you whispered back. "You know, that would be more hot if you were wearing a dress or a skirt or something. Not cargo pants..."

* * *

"Next up is..." The announcer read the beautiful calligraphy that filled out the fields of the karaoke sign up sheet. "Sans! Sans, please come on up!"

"What the..." Sans's head flinched back. "Oh no... Papyrus, you didn't..."

"What is it that they say, my brother?!" Papyrus picked up his wine glass between his fingers and swirled it in his palm. "What goes around, comes around?!"

"Well, damn..." Sans looked down and shook his head. "Guess that's what I get, huh?"

"Sans?", the announcer said. "You out there, funny guy?"

"Yeah, I'm coming, I'm coming..." Sans stood up and shuffled over to the stage, with his hands in his pockets, to cheering from your table. He picked up the microphone. "Ok, let's get this over with..." The music started with a familiar drum beat. "Oh no, you didn't..." He looked at the TV screen displaying the lyrics. "You did! Why, Papyrus? Why? How could you? How could you give your own brother the Ol' Spicy Karaoke Request, Papyrus?"

Papyrus grinned and raised his wine glass to Sans. "Nyeh heh heh heh!" He poured a sample into his mouth.

Sans exhaled. "Payback's a bitch..." Then he took a deep breath. "That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an airplane, Lenny Bruce is not afraid...", he sang/mumbled.

"Whoa, Paps!" You turned your head to Papyrus. "Isn't this kinda... overkill?"

"Nyeh heh heh heh!" Papyrus leaned back and folded his hands behind his head.

"Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn.", Sans sang/mumbled. "World serves its own needs, uh, dummy serve your own needs. Feed it off an... something something... no, strength, the ladder start to clatter with fear fight down height. Wire in a fire, representing seven games, and a government for hire at a combat site. Left of West and coming in a hurry with the... furries!? Breathing down your neck." Sans panted. "Team by team reporters baffled, trumped, tethered cropped. Look at that low plane. Fine, then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common food, but it'll do to save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed dummy with the rapture and the revered and the right, right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine... Actually, I feel like I'm going to pass out..." He put his hand on his chest.

* * *

"Ok, our next singer is...", the announcer announced. "Chara! Chara, come on up!"

"My turn!" Chara smiled at you and scooted her chair out.

"Wait, when did you..." You followed her with your eyes as she stood up. "I thought you said you weren't going to..."

"Surprise!" Chara gently placed her hands on your cheeks and pecked you on the lips, then she took a step back and waved at you, before turning around and jogging up on stage. Everyone at your table, minus you, who was too dumbfounded, cheered, a little surprised seeing Chara, of all people, heading up to the stage. She picked up the microphone and the music started. The song sounded familiar, but you couldn't place it. Something New Wavey, 80's sounding... "Painful to me, pierce right through me, can't you understand, oh my little boy.", she sang.

This song... Your eyes dropped and jaw widened. You remember, the two of you were in the car, going somewhere. You were joking around, enjoying each other's company, having fun... Like you always did whenever you were together. Then this song came on the radio. She started singing along to it, like it was nothing. But it was something. It was the first time you had ever heard her sing. You remember hearing her voice, wondering where it was coming from, thinking that this was a cover version they were playing. Then, when you realized the singing was coming from her, you looked over at her, like she was The Loch Ness Monster riding a Unicorn, and she just smiled back at you and continued singing, without missing a beat. From that day forth, she sang, when the urge struck her. And you loved it when it did.

"All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is here, in my arms." She made eye contact with you and smiled. "Words are very, unnecessary, they can only do harm..." She waved you up on stage.

You wanted to join her on stage. You wanted to be with her. You wanted to be there in her arms. But... You looked around the room nervously and rubbed the back of your head. You looked at Papyrus, Sans, and Bonita, one after the other, all three of them communicated to you, non-verbally, that you were needed on stage, ASAP.

You looked up at Chara, who looked back at you, expectantly. "Vows are spoken, to be broken." She closed her eyes as she sang the next verse. "Feelings are intense, words are trivial..."

You felt a bony hand on your shoulder. You turned your head to the hand's owner, Sans, the bony man, who held up one finger, then pointed to the right of you. At the end of his finger were Undyne and Alphys. They were wrapped around each other like spaghetti noodles and were engaging in some heavy PDA. You looked back at Sans, who was now grinning and nodding. You begrudgingly nodded back at Sans, understanding his point. You took a deep breath and stood up. Sans, Papyrus, and Bonita cheered as you jogged up to the stage.

"Pleasures remain, so does the pain. Worlds are meaningless and forgettable..." When she opened her eyes, you were standing right in front of her. Her eyes lit up and her mouth opened and formed into a big smile. You reached out to her and she took your hand and helped you on stage, to cheering from the audience. You wrapped your arms around each other and sang together, as one, "All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is here in my arms..."

"Aww... They're so cute..." Bonita took Sans's hand and squeezed.

"Yeah." Sans squeezed back. Bonita leaned her head on his shoulder. "But I think maybe the voices in the kid's head might have a point...", he said.

"Sans!" Bonita leaned back up and shot Sans a dirty look.

"What?" Sans looked at Bonita and shrugged. "Am I wrong?"

Bonita paused for a moment while she listened to your singing, then cracked up. "Ok, you're not wrong, Sans. You're just an asshole!" She laughed and leaned her head back on San's shoulder.

"Ok, then." Sans leaned his head back against Bonita's. "Chara's not bad, though, is she?"

"No.", Bonita said. "Not at all."

"Don't listen to their voices!", Papyrus said, without taking his eyes off the couple on stage. "Listen to their hearts sing!"

"Yeah!" Undyne raised a fist into the air. "I can feel their hearts beating as one! Whoo!"

Sans snorted. "Undyne is wasted!", he whispered to Bonita, who covered her mouth and giggled.


	6. Chara is a Drunken REDACTED

You stepped out of Grillby's into the cool night. It had rained earlier, just like you predicted. Pitch black, no moon. It was still up there, though. Just hidden behind the horde of black clouds that still occupied the entire sky. You hoped... The only light came from artificial means, the street lights lining the road, the headlights of the occasional car passing by, and the exterior lights of Grillby's that illuminated you and about a dozen monsters and humans, standing around, chatting and laughing drunkenly between cigarette puffs.

"Hey, man.", an unfamiliar voice off to your left said. "Can I bum a cigarette off you, man?"

"Oh, uh, sorry..." You turned to the owner of the unfamiliar voice, an unfamiliar monster of an unfamiliar type. "Don't have any. I don't smoke..."

"Oh, ok, that's cool, man." The monster nodded. "Thanks anyway, man." He turned and walked away.

"Yeah, no problem..." You scanned the crowd, hoping you'd find the pair of drunken monsters you were looking for. Your search yielded a few close matches, a sober fish monster, a chartreuse lizard monster, a big purple dinosaur... but no Undyne and Alphys. Maybe they were still inside... You turned around, put your hand flat on the door, and pushed forward...

"Hey, kiddo.", an ununfamiliar voice said. "You looking for someone?"

"Sans?" You looked around, unable to locate the voice's owner. "Where are you?"

"I'm over here.", Sans said, from the right of you.

You followed his voice into the darkness and barely made out the Sans shaped object, waving at you from just outside the range of Grillby's exterior lights. "Oh hey! Yeah, uh, I'm looking for Undyne and Alphys..." You approached Sans's Danny Divito-like silhouette. "Did they come this way?"

"Matter of fact, they did." Sans nodded. "They were heading out to their car." He pointed in the direction of the parking lot.

"Ah shoot!" You placed a hand on your head. "Maybe there's still time to catch them..." You began to jog towards the parking lot.

"Woah, kiddo!", Sans shouted after you. "What's the problem?!"

"They're both wasted, that's the problem!" You shouted back at Sans, without stopping. "We can't let them drive like this!"

"Hey, relax!", Sans shouted. "They aren't going anywhere!"

"They're... they're not?!" You slowed to a stop and looked back at Sans.

"Yeah.", Sans said. "They're gonna ride home with us."

"Oh..." You started back towards Sans. "Are you... sure? What did they go out to their car for?"

"They said they needed some 'privacy'." Sans made air quotes.

"Ohhhh..." You rubbed the back of your neck. "Well, jeez, I'm glad you stopped me. That would have been awkward... Uh, again..."

"Yeah, don't mention it." Sans raised a burning paper tube up to his mouth, lighting his face up with red light. He wrapped his... lips? Magical, invisible... ecto lips? Whatever they were, he wrapped them around the non-burning end and inhaled deeply. The burning end dimmed as he pulled air through the cylinder, mixing it with the ignited plant matter it contained, and filled his magical, invisible, ghost lungs with smoke.

"Hey, I didn't know you smoked cigarettes, Sans. Or that you even could..." You scratched your head. The intricacies of skeleton anatomy continued to escape you.

"I don't.", Sans wheezed and blew the smoke out of his mouth.

"You don't?" You tilted your head. "Then what is tha-" *Sniff, sniff!* The smoke from Sans's "cigarette" filled your sinuses and memories from college filled your mind.

"Not a cigarette." Sans grinned and coughed a couple times. "*Cough, cough!*"

"So it isn't!" Your eyes grew large. "Aren't you, uh..." You looked over both your shoulders. "...worried about getting caught? I mean, you're kinda right out in the open, here..."

"Nah. I got a 'Green Card'." Sans patted his back pocket where he kept his wallet.

"A 'Green Card'?", you asked, clearly not up to date on the lingo.

"Yeah." Sans nodded. "You know what that means?"

"You're... Mexican?" You placed a couple fingers on your chin.

"Heh, no." Sans chuckled and shook his head. "It means I got a prescription for this stuff. Five-oh can't touch me."

"Oh, really? How'd you manage that? Do you have... glaucoma or something?" You pointed to your eye. "Is that why your eye flashes blue and yellow sometimes?"

"Nope. Don't even have eyes. What I do have is a bad back bone." Sans raised his arms into the air and stretched his back. *Crack!* "Ahhh."

You scoffed. "Yeah, whatever!"

"No, really.", Sans said. "Doc thinks it's because of my bad posture and lack of physical activity."

"Hmmm... Ok, now I believe you." You pointed at Sans.

"Yeah.", Sans said. "But I may have, uh, exaggerated the symptoms a little. And I did get on his good side by buttering him up with skeleton puns before I innocently inquired about medical marijuana..."

"Skeleton puns?", you asked.

"Yeah, my doc can't get enough skeleton puns." Sans grinned and shook his head. "Great doctor, though. I wonder why my brother stopped seeing him..."

You chuckled. "No idea. Well, I think I'm going to head in." You pointed over your shoulder with your thumb, at the entrance to Grillby's. "All this smoke is giving me a headache..." You fanned the smoke out of your face. "And, uh, cancer. Like, literally... Plus, I'd better pay my tab before I forget..."

"You guys aren't leaving yet, are you?" Sans tilted his head.

"Oh, no." You shook your head. "We'll stick around for a little while longer. I just gotta drive and, well, I'd better cut Chara off now. She's had like... three drinks and already seems pretty intoxicated. It's kinda adorable, really." You smiled lovingly and chuckled. "What a lightweight..."

"Wait, three drinks?" Sans held up three fingers. "Are you sure? I thought I saw her get up at least a couple times during my set and get a refill..."

"Nah, she was with me the whole time.", you said. "I think I would have noticed if she got up and got another drink. Are you sure it wasn't someone else?"

"Eh, could have been." Sans shrugged. "All you humans look alike, you know..." He grinned and took another puff of his "medication".

You laughed once. "Yeah, yeah... And skeleton monsters are so easy to differentiate from each other... At least you can tell the gender of a human without having to fist them..." You held your hand out like you were meeting a skeleton monster. "'Pleased to meet you, uh...'" You reached down and mimed sticking your hand into their pubic bone. "'... _Mrs._ Bones!'" You removed your hand from the invisible Mrs. Bones and mimed shaking her hand.

Sans coughed up some smoke and began laughing. "You're killing me, kiddo! *Cough, cough!* You're literally killing me..." He pounded on his chest, cleared his throat, and spit a glowing blue loogie on the ground. "Whew! Anyway, we were thinking about hitting the taco truck after bar time. You guys in?"

"Oh man... That sounds amazing..." Your salivary glands kicked on in anticipation. "I'd just love to sink my teeth into a hot sexy Charrito right now..."

"Oh yeah, those are- Wait... Did you say 'Charrito'?", Sans asked. "And did you call it... 'sexy'?"

"Oops!" You covered your mouth for a second. "Sorry, Freudian Slip! I meant to say 'burritos'. 'I'd just love to sink my teeth into a hot _tasty_ burrito right now.'"

"Oh, ok..." Sans nodded slowly. "What the hell is a 'Charrito'?"

"It's a portmanteau of 'Chara' and the word 'burrito'." You thought back to that time you rolled Chara up in a blanket, like a burrito, when you were doing vore roleplay. "It's a... it's a long story..." You rubbed the back of your neck, hoping that Sans wouldn't ask you to elaborate.

"Ah, pet name!" Sans grinned. "Well, if you'd rather go home and have Charritos for dinner, don't let me stop you..." He raised and lowered his magical, invisible, ecto eyebrows repeatedly. Somehow you knew this despite not being able to see them.

"Nah, we'll go! I don't see any reason why I can't have both..." You smiled hedonistically.

"That's the spirit!" Sans gave you a thumbs up. "Well, I'll catch you inside in a bit. I gotta finish my, uh, 'burrito verde'." He held up his medicinal doobie between his thumb and pointer finger.

"Right!" You chuckled. "See you in a bit." You turned and head for the entrance.

Sans held his hand up for a moment, then let it drop, before taking another dose of his prescription back medication. "Ah, that's some good shit!", he wheezed, then went into a coughing fit. He beat his chest. "I feel better already! *Cough, cough!*"

You pushed the door open and held it for a small bunny monster who was leaving Grillby's. "Thank you!", she said. "Say, uh, I don't suppose you have a cigarette you'd be willing to part with?"

"Oh, no. Sorry, I don't smoke..." You shrugged.

"Oh, ok." She stepped through the door and waved at you. "Thank you, anyway."

"Yeah..." You nodded once and let go of the door, stepping back into Grillby's. The door slowly closed behind you, sealing Grillby's off from the cold and carcinogenic outside world.

* * *

You checked the time on your phone as you approached the bar. It was pretty late now. Last call wasn't too far away. You leaned on the bar and waited. All the responsible customers had left now, so it wasn't long. "Hey, Grillby." You held up your hand in greeting as Grillby came over to you. "I think we're done for tonight. Could I pay my tab?"

Grillby nodded, tapped some buttons on the cash register, then picked up your card and swiped it. The register printed out a receipt, which he tore off and placed in front of you. He pulled the pen out of the breast pocket of his shirt, clicked it open, and set it on top of the receipt.

"Ok, doke..." You picked up the pen and set it to the receipt. It didn't take long being an ambassador, what with the numerous documents that needed signing everyday, for your signature to deteriorate into nothing more than a few seemingly random loops and a single dot placed in the same general area of the "I" in your first name. You moved the pen, beginning the obscene graffiti that your signature had degenerated into... Wait...

"Hey Grillby? I think there might be a mistake here..." You flattened out the receipt, held it taut with your thumb and pointer finger, then pointed to an item with your other hand. "Right here... I didn't order this, and there should be only three Rum and Cokes on here..."

Grillby shook his head and pointed to Chara. She was sitting at the VIP table, the big one there in the middle, with a great view of the stage, with Papyrus. She had her arm around him and was gesturing wildly, seemingly telling him an intense story.

You turned your head back to Grillby. "You're saying Chara ordered all of this?!", you said, neglecting to close your mouth after you spoke.

Grillby nodded once.

"And..." You looked down at the receipt and squinted. "...something called a 'Mettaton'? I don't even know what that is!"

Grillby held up one finger, then reached below the bar, and pulled out the laminated drink recipe cheat sheet. He looked it over for a second, then set it in front of you and pointed to the recipe for the Mettaton and tapped it twice.

"Vodka, sweet Vermouth, pink lemonade..." You read aloud from the Mettaton recipe. "G-glitter?!" You looked up at Grillby for confirmation, which he gave with a single nod. "Glitter! Huh!" You returned your eyes to the recipe. "Then... whipped cream?! And a Maraschino cherry on top?!" You looked back at Grillby with a grimace. "That sounds awful!"

Grillby shrugged. It wasn't his cup of tea either, but customers were crazy about anything Mettaton related, even if it had absolutely nothing to do with him, wasn't technically safe for human or monster consumption, and made your urine sparkle.

"You'd have to be insane to drink something like that!", you said. "Seriously, what kind of a person would..."

Grillby slowly raised his hand to point at Chara again as you spoke.

"Right, right..." You picked up the pen and completed your vandalism, uh, I mean signature. "Ok, here you go." You handed the receipt to Grillby.

Grillby took the receipt, handed you the customer copy, and returned your debit card to you.

"Thanks, Grillby." You stood up and raised your debit card to him. "Sorry about the misunderstanding. Until next time."

Grillby saluted, put the drink recipe cheat sheet away, and left to serve another customer. You stepped away from the bar and slid your debit card back in its designated pocket in your wallet, then slid your wallet back in its designated pocket in your pants. You looked up at your table, the big one there in the middle- Jesus Christ! Chara had her knife out and was waving it around! You ran back to the table.

* * *

"So, I say to Frisk, I say, 'I don't care if it's not politically correct!'" Chara raised her hands into the air. "'I'm not going to stop calling them 'furries'!'"

You grabbed her wrist, the one that her knife hand was attached to. "Chara, what the hell!"

"Huh?" Chara looked up at you. "Oh hi, Frisky!" She smiled, then the pressure your fingers were applying to her wrist drew her attention to your restraining her. "Oh, Frisk..." She looked back at you with the same eyes she wore in the bedroom and in the kitchenwares section of your local department store. "Here?! Now?!" She placed the palm of her hand flat on your chest. "But there are so many people around..." She looked around the room.

"Uh, what?" You tilted your head.

"Oh, I don't care!" Chara scooted her chair out, stood up, and sat down on the edge of the table. "Take me now! Right here! On the table!" She leaned back and closed her eyes.

"W-what?!" You flinched back. "Chara, what the hell are you doing?!"

"Huh?" Chara opened her eyes and looked back at you. "So, wait, you're... _not_ initiating sex?"

"No!", you said. "Why on earth would you think that?!"

"Oh..." Chara opened her eyes a little wider. "It's just, the way you grabbed me there... You're only this... _assertive_ in the bedroom..."

"Oh, God..." You covered your face with your hand for a moment, then looked back at her. "Chara, why do you have your knife out!" You pointed to the knife in her hand.

"My knife? I don't..." Chara looked up at the knife that was clearly in her hand. "Oh..." She tilted her hand flat and relaxed her fingers, balancing the knife horizontally in her palm. You carefully took the knife from her with your other hand and let go of her wrist. "Sorry about that, Lil' Friskies!" She rubbed the red marks on her wrist where your fingers had grasped her. "Guess I just forget to put it away..." She shrugged, an innocent smile on her face.

"Why... why did you have it out in the first place?" You wrapped your fingers around the knife handle. It felt... familiar. Memories connected to this knife filled your mind. None of them good. You remembered entering the tragically quiet bedroom of two dead children, over a decade ago. You remembered holding back tears as you searched the room for anything useful, trying to ignore the dusty picture frame containing the portrait of a once happy family and the Crayon drawing of a flower, drawn by little hands that would never draw or feel anything ever again. You remembered finding this knife there, dropping it in shock, wanting desperately to leave it where you found it, but reluctantly taking it with you when you realized that you might need it. You remembered fighting Asgore, the king of monsters, with this knife by your side, trying to find a peaceful solution to your conflict, and failing. Over and over again... You remembered getting frustrated, gripping the knife in your hand the same way you did now, and tearing into him with it. You remembered a dead girl, come back to life, holding this knife to your throat as she contemplated out loud, the best order to murder all your friends and family in to maximize your suffering, break your spirit, and get you to abandon everything you believed in.

"Papyrus and I were talking about cooking!" She beamed. "We got to discussing knives and I showed him mine! And guess what!" She smiled excitedly. "He says it's really nice!" She pointed at Papyrus with her thumb. Sometimes you had a hard time believing this was the same girl, but then you remembered that even weirder things had happened to you. Like that time you cracked open an egg and it had two yolks in it!

"Yes, it's a classic!" Papyrus nodded, eyeing the knife in your hands. "Knives like that are very sought after in the cooking business! It's a beauty, too! My goodness, it even has an engraving!" He placed his hands on his cheeks. "Wherever did you find it, Chara?! They haven't made these in decades!"

"Oh, uh... It's a... it's a long story..." Chara lifted her drink to her lips, hiding her uncomfortable expression behind the glass.

"Oh, ok... That's cool... But, uh... I don't think it's a good idea to be taking something like this out in public..." You looked around the room. "People might get the wrong idea..."

"Oh yes!" Papyrus placed his hand on his scull. "How silly of me! I forgot that bringing outside knives to a restaurant is a huge culinary _faux pa_! I'm glad you remembered that, Frisk!" He pointed to you. "Yes, Chara, you'd better put the knife away, otherwise the proprietor of this establishment might think that you're implying that their cutlery isn't up to snuff!"

"Yeah, uh, that's right, Chara..." You nodded slowly in Papyrus's direction, then turned to Chara. "We don't want to, uh, hurt Grillby's feelings... So, if I give this back to you, can you put it away?" You held the knife out to her, handle first. "And keep it away?"

"Oh, yeah! Of course!" Chara scooted off the table and took the knife from you. She lifted her shirt up, held it in place with her forearm, and pulled her pants away from her hip, revealing a hidden knife sheath clipped to the inside of her pants. It was a Christmas gift from you last year. She loved it, saying that concealing her knife would give her the element of surprise, and you loved not getting odd looks from people when you walked around in public with a girl nonchalantly carrying a knife around in her hand. She slid her knife into the sheath and pulled her shirt back down, covering the protruding handle. "Thanks, Stop And Frisk!"

"Yeah..." You pulled your chair out. "So, uh, let's sit down, there's something I want to talk to you about..."

"Ok, sure!" She sat back down in her chair and looked at you expectantly.

You sat down and placed your elbows on the table. "So, Chara, I, uh-"

"Oh!" Papyrus raised a finger into the air. "So Chara, now that Frisk is back, tell me your funny story!"

"Oh right!" Chara covered her mouth and giggled. "So Frisky Pooh, I need your help telling Papyrus this story!" She took a quick swig of her drink. "Ok, so I talked Frisk into doing some wax play with me..." She held her hands out in front of herself, parallel, palms facing each other.

"Chara!" You placed both hands on your head.

"What?" Chara looked back at you with a confused expression. "What's wrong?"

"Y-you're talking about The Wax-" You pointed to her repeatedly. "The, uh, thing that didn't happen!"

"The what? Oh yeah!" Chara turned to Papyrus. "Frisk likes to pretend that this didn't happen because he's embarrassed!" She giggled.

"W-what?!" You placed a hand on your forehead. "You were the one that... Ugh!"

"Oh, I get it!" Papyrus smiled and nodded. "So what exactly is wax play?!"

"It's when you melt wax from a candle on your partner!", Chara said. "It's very sexy! So anyway, I was laying down on the bed, naked and blind folded, and Frisk lights up the candle..."

You leaned over to Chara and cupped your hand around her ear. "Chara, this is very inappropriate!", you whispered to her. "Especially given present company..." You gestured over to Papyrus multiple times, nonsubtly.

"Huh?", she asked. "What's the problem?"

"'What's the problem?'", you repeated her question. "'What's the problem?!' You're... you're... you're telling Papyrus the Wax Play Incident! Papyrus! Was... was... was Mister Rodgers not available?! Or... or... The Pope?!"

"Oh, don't be such a prude, Joseph Friskzl!" Chara flicked her wrist at you and rolled her eyes. "We're all adults here! Now, where was I?" She rubbed her chin. "Oh yeah!" She raised a finger into the air. "Ok, so, Frisk started at my legs and moved up. I was really into it at first, but then when he got the the pelvic region..."

"Oh God...", you said to yourself as you clutched your forehead.

"...he held the candle a little too close..." Chara's smile increased in intensity as she approached the climax of the story. "And well, let's just say that night I was a fire crotch in more than one way!" She threw her head back and laughed, spilling a little bit of her drink on herself.

"Ugh..." You cringed, your teeth gritted and eyes shut uncomfortably tight. You considered asking Chara for her knife back, so you could take the honorable way out...

"Moral of the story, keep fire out of the bedroom!" Chara wiped a tear out of her eye. "And keep things trimmed up down there!" She pointed towards her crotch. "Seriously, it was an accident waiting to happen! If that hadn't started the fire, something else would have!"

"Ok, Chara this has to stop." You placed your hand on top of her's. "Papyrus, I'm very sorry..."

"Oh, it's ok, Frisk!" Papyrus shrugged, all smiles. "I'm not offended! Like Chara said, we're all adults here!"

"Yeah!" Chara shrugged. "I don't know why you're so worried about making Papyrus uncomfortable! He's married now and has children! I'm sure he knows what sex is!" She rolled her eyes and took a drag off her drink.

"It's not Papyrus I'm worried about making uncomfortable...", you mumbled to yourself.

"Hmmm?" Chara turned her head your way, mid drink.

"Oh, nothing... You know, uh, have you ever considered that maybe he... doesn't? I mean, do monsters even reproduce the same way as humans?" You scratched the side of your head. "I've never figured that out... Like, maybe they just... rub their souls together or something innocent like that?" You rubbed your hands together, like they were souls, in a reproduction of what you thought monster reproduction might be.

"Oh!" Papyrus's eyes lit up. "You're in for a treat then, Frisk, my good friend! Allow me to educate you! You see, when a mommy monster and a daddy monster love each other very, very much..." He made a ring with his left hand then moved the pointer finger of his right hand towards it...

"Eee..." You levitated to your feet. "Uh, sorry, Paps, going to have to take a rain check on that... We gotta go! Right now!" You stepped behind Chara's seat, grabbed her under the arms, and began lifting her up.

"Hey, hey, careful, man!" Chara's drink sloshed around in her hand as you "helped" her up. "There's a beverage here!" After making it to her feet, she brushed a few drops of Rum and Coke off her shirt, then raised her drink to her mouth, scowling at you from behind the glass.

"You'll have to tell me about the birds and the, uh..." You shut your eyes and thought for a quick moment. "The, uh, _Snowdrakes_ and the, uh... _Bee Drills_ , later..."

Chara lowered the glass from her lips and swallowed. "'Bee Drills' are Pokemon, not monsters.", she corrected you.

You shot her a dirty look and turned back to Papyrus. "Tell your brother goodbye for me, would ya?"

"What's the hurry, Frisk my good friend?" Papyrus raised a hand into the air. "There's still an hour before last call! Why don't you let me buy you another drink?! The night is young!"

"We, uh..." You held your hand out in front of yourself and shook it as you tried to come up with an excuse.

"We have to return some video tapes!" Chara pointed at you with her drink hand, before raising the glass back up to her mouth.

"Yes, that!" You pointed at Chara. "We have to... uh..." You looked back at her, your expression expressing confusion. "Return some video tapes?!"

Chara shrugged, mid drink.

"Video tapes?!" Papyrus scratched the top of his scull. "I didn't know they still rented out video tapes... Even in the Underground, we had DVDs... And even those were being phased out by UnderNetFlix by the time you showed up..."

"Well, uh, you see, uh...", you stammered. The jig was very close to being up.

Chara swallowed the Rum and Coke in her mouth. "They're very, very late!"

"Y-yeah!" You glanced at Chara, then back to Papyrus. "We've had these tapes for years! Decades, even! We have to get them back soon before the late fees grow even higher!"

"Wowie!" Papyrus placed a hand on his cheek. "You'd better get going, then! See you two later!"

"Yeah, see you next time, Paps!" You raised your hand to him. "Bye!"

Chara was pouring the last little bit of Rum and Coke into her mouth. Once again, she tilted her head back a little too far and the ice fell out of the bottom of the glass and hit her in the face. She flinched back and the ice spilled out of the glass and down the front of her shirt, a few brave cubes making it through the neck hole. "Agh!" She danced around patting at her chest, desperate to dislodge the few tiny ice cubes that had settled in the fertile valley between her very temperature sensitive mountains. "Cold, cold, cold, cold, cold!" She grabbed her collar, pulled it away from her neck, and reached in, with her other hand, to evict the chilly pioneers. The now half melted ice fell out of the bottom of her shirt. "Whew!" She placed her hands on her breasts and rubbed them to warm them up. "Colder than a witch's teat..." She giggled. "Hey Friskito, check it out!" She puffed her chest out and bumped into you a few times. "My nipples are like little knives!" She stabbed her little knives into you a couple more times, making sound effects as she did so. "Fssch! Fssch!"

You snorted and tried to keep a smile off your face as you took the glass from her and set it down on the table. You put your arm around her back and turned both of you towards the exit.

"Oh Frisk?!", Papyrus said from the table.

"Yeah?" You looked back at him.

"Be kind, rewind!" Papyrus pointed at you and smiled.

"W-what..." You tilted your head. "Oh! Oh, right! Yeah, will do! Thanks! Bye!" You nodded at Papyrus, then steered the stumbling Chara towards the front door.

* * *

The cold hit you like a swarm of insects, stinging every exposed inch of flesh. You winced at the attack. Chara was too busy being drunk to notice. Over the short period of time you were inside, the temperature had dipped even lower, turning the breath of those standing outside to fog as they exhaled. Wait... That's not fog... "*Cough, cough!*" The smoke hit you like Jerry showing up to a party, uninvited, forcing itself inside and irritating everything. Chara was too busy being drunk to notice.

"Hey, guys!", a human you didn't know greeted you. "Either of you guys got a cigarette?"

"Sorry, no, don't smoke, gotta return some video tapes!" You walked past him, without making eye contact, pulling Chara along beside you.

Chara giggled. "We have a lunch meeting with Cliff Huxtable at the Four Seasons in twenty minutes!", she shouted at the man, who backed away slowly.

You directed Chara towards your vehicle, her head swaying back and forth, her feet stumbling over anything and everything, including the white lines painted on the parking lot to separate the parking spots. The two imperialistic vehicles that violated the borders of your peaceful parking spot earlier were gone now, thankfully, so getting her into the car wouldn't require a large CGI budget like getting her out did.

You pushed your key into the passenger door and turned, the wrong way at first, locking the door even more. You growled then turned the key the right correct way until the interior lock popped up with a click. *Click!* You opened the door for her and she climbed in, sort of falling into her seat, like a giant overcooked spaghetti noodle. She rested her head against the back of the seat and giggled with her eyes closed.

You pulled her seat belt out of the side of the car and held it out to her. "Seat belt, Chara."

"Oh! Oh, right!" She reached out for the seat belt and, on her third attempt, took it from you and pulled it across her chest.

You gently pushed the passenger door shut and walked around to the driver's side. You pulled on the door handle... but it refused. This door was still locked. You knocked on the window and waited for Chara to unlock the door for you. After a few seconds passed without any indication that the door had been unlocked, you bent down and peeked through the window, spotting Chara drunkenly trying to buckle her seat belt into the cigarette lighter. You sighed, pushed your key into the door, and turned. The wrong way. Again. After cursing under your breath, you finally got the door open and sat down in the chilly driver's seat. "Brrr!" You stabbed the ignition with your key and twisted, literally turning the car on, then reached up to the dash and slid the heater's temperature control to the far right, into the red state. You then reached for the fan control, tuning it to the "annoyingly loud" setting. The heater started blasting cold air out of the vents. You simultaneously sighed and shivered while you turned the fan back off. "Sbirgrhr!"

You put your own seat belt on, joining the two ends with a satisfying click that made you feel safe. *Click!* You twisted the stick protruding from the left side of the steering column towards you, bringing the headlights up and illuminating the concrete curb directly in front of your car. You placed your hand on the shifter, applied pressure to the brake, and were about to shift into reverse when you realized that Chara still hadn't gotten her seat belt on.

"Here, let me." You leaned over and took the male and female ends of the seat belt from her and pushed them together, mating them with a suggestive click. *Click...*

"Oh, thanks!" She stroked your shoulder.

You shifted into reverse and pulled out of the parking spot, turning your car 90 degrees as you did so. You came to a stop, shifted into drive, and slowly drove across the parking lot, dodging drunken monsters and humans stumbling about. At the exit, you stopped and waited for an opportunity to merge with the road.

Chara giggled. "When you... when you helped me with my seat belt... You know what that reminded me of?"

"What?", you asked, glaring at the oncoming slow moving car that was preventing you from leaving the parking lot.

"The first time we did it." She giggled.

You cracked a smile. You tried not to let her see it.

"Cause' everything was so slippery!" She grinned. "We had a little trouble fitting our junk together..." She reenacted this scene with her hands, most likely saying something incredibly offensive in sign language.

You snorted. "Yeah, I remember!"

"You were so nervous, too!" She rubbed your shoulder. "It was very cute!"

"Yeah..." Scared. You were scared.

The car you were waiting on slowed down and turned into the Grillby's parking lot, without signaling. "Ffffuuuuuu..." You started to say something unsavory, but caught yourself three quarters of the way through. Instead of finishing what you started, you turned your vocalizations into incoherent grumbling, which sounded sort of like you were sneezing. Or having a seizure.

"Bless you!" She leaned in and attempted to open the glove compartment. "Let me... let me get you a tissue..."

"A tissue? But I didn't-" You looked over at her and saw her clawing at the glove compartment latch, like a dog. A drunken dog. "Chara, wait-"

The overflowing glove compartment popped open and shot a wad of tissues into her face. "Whoa!"

"Whoa!", you said. "Are you ok?!"

"Yeah, it just surprised me is all..." She began picking tissues up off her lap and stuffing them back into the glove compartment, then paused, shut her eyes, and giggled again. "That... that also reminded me of the first time we did it..."


	7. In Vino Veritas

You were at a red light, waiting for... absolutely nothing. It was late now; you two had the road to yourself. The street perpendicular to yours was bare, except for a thin layer of rain water covering the asphalt, turning it into a blurry mirror, reflecting the street lights. The heater blew hot air into your face. You reached up and turned the fan off. You were warm enough and you wanted her to hear this.

The street light tinted her and everything else red, as she sat in the passenger seat, hunched over, eyes shut, giggling and mumbling to herself. "Sippin' on Rum and Coke...", she mumbled. "Laid back, with my mind on my knives and my knives on my mind..." That last drink hit her hard. Like a hammer. She was hammered.

"Hey, Chara?" You reached over and touched her shoulder.

"Yeaaahhhhh?!" She looked your way and smiled, fighting to keep her head level and failing.

"So, uh," you said, "when I picked up the tab, I noticed there were a few extra drinks..."

"Oh, yeah! That was me!" She pointed to herself. "Don't worry, I'll pay you back... somehow..." She giggled. "Maybe when we get home..." She placed her hand on your thigh. "Or maybe on the way..."

"That's not what I'm concerned about.", you said sternly, looking straight ahead. "I thought you said you were going to take it easy."

Her smile faded and she retracted her hand. "I did. At first... Then I started having fun and... lost track of... things... I thought one more couldn't hurt, then another couldn't hurt..." She counted on her fingers as she enumerated her drinks. "Then another, then... a Mettaton for some reason..." She scratched her head, unable to remember why she ever thought that was a good idea.

"Hmmm." You frowned. "Yeah, ok. It's my fault, really." You sighed. "I should have kept a better eye on you. I got a little too absorbed in Sans's show... I shouldn't have let you drink that much."

"What's the problem?" She raised her hands into the air. "It's fine! I'm fine! Everything is fine!"

"You're drunk.", you said.

"So?!" She flung her hands further into the air, bumping the sun visor. A hidden chocolate bar fell out from behind it, bounced off the dash, and landed at her feet. "You've been drunk hundreds of times!" She pointed at you accusingly. "I remember, I was there!" She placed her other hand on her chest. "Why is it ok for you to get drunk but not me?!"

"No, no, it's not that-" You turned to her and held a hand up in front of yourself.

"Then what?! It's fun! I'm having fun!" The sound of rain drops hitting the windshield caught her attention, turning her eyes from you. "I'm happy. Or, I was..."

"Oh...", you said. "Sorry... I was just... worried?"

"Worried about what?" She crossed her arms.

"Oh, uh..." The rain picked up. The sounds of hundreds of drops of water exploding against the windshield could not be ignored anymore. You turned back to the road, reached up to the steering column, and turned the windshield wipers on. "Uh... You know..."

"No, I don't know.", she said.

"Eh..." You raised a hand into the air. "It's nothing, forget about it..."

She turned from the windshield and looked out her window. You looked back at the road and frowned. Then, everything went minty green. You placed your hands back on the steering wheel and accelerated. The two of you rode in silence for a while, the only sound coming from the road, the rain, and the windshield wipers scraping rubber across glass.

* * *

"Hey." She turned from the window and looked at you.

"Hey.", you said back to her, without averting your eyes from the road.

"I... have something to tell you.", she said.

"Ok..." You turned your head in her direction for just a second. "What is it?"

She pointed at you. Or tried to at least. There were two of you now and she didn't know which one to point at. She shut one of her eyes to make your twin vanish, then pointed at the remaining you. "I... love you."

"Oh!" Your eyes shot open. This was the first time. The first time she said she loved you. And it... wasn't news to you. Not really. She had expressed the sentiment in just about every possible way. Except verbally, of course. But hearing her say it? Hearing her express her feelings for you explicitly? Knowing that there was no question about it now? And knowing that... _she_ knew it? And... accepted it? It was like... a revelation. And the fact that she was drunk out of her mind didn't lessen the impact. "Wow... Thank you... I... I love you too, Chara..." *Sniff!* You got a little choked up. Actually, a lot choked up. You tilted your head away from her so she couldn't see you overcome with emotion. You wiped a tear out of your eye and cleared your throat.

She smiled and fell back against the head rest. "We should... we should get married."

"W-what?!" You took your eyes off the road and looked directly at her.

"Let's get married!" She squeezed her fists together excitedly. "And I want to have a baby! No, two of them!" She held up two fingers. "A boy and a girl, just like Papyrus!"

"Ha ha... maybe... maybe someday..." You kept your cool as you turned your eyes back to the road. Once you were confident that she couldn't see your face, you let the horrified expression that you had been suppressing overcome you. Children?! You weren't ready for children! You were still a child yourself, really! The kind that needed a nightlight after reading scary stories about haunted video game cartridges on the Internet. You weren't ready for that kind of responsibility. You couldn't even keep plants alive. The fern Dad got you as a housewarming gift after you moved out didn't even last a week...

"I want to name the boy 'Asriel'!" She touched her first finger with her other hand. "And the girl... 'Alma'..." She touched her second finger.

"'A-Alma'?" You gulped.

She frowned and put her hands down. "I... I just like it, ok?" And just like that, her entire demeanor had just about completely inverted itself. You were surprised that the sudden change hadn't given her whiplash.

"Are you... ok?", you asked her, despite the answer being obvious.

"Yeah." She turned her head away from you and looked out the window.

You looked back at the road with a worried expression. Some time passed without any communication between the two of you.

* * *

She turned back to you. "Hey.", she said, sounding a bit more chipper than before.

"Y-yeah?" You glanced at her nervously, hoping she wasn't going to ask for a puppy now.

"Thank you." She put her hand on your arm.

"Oh! Uh, you're welcome?" You squinted, turned your head towards her slightly, and stared at her from the corners of your eyes. "What, um, exactly are you thanking me for?"

"For... everything.", she said.

"Oh! Well, uh, yeah, you're welcome." You raised a hand into the air and bowed slightly.

"No. I'm not. I don't deserve any of this..." She let go of your arm and looked down at her lap.

"Sure you do!" You said with a reassuring tone.

"No." She shook her head slightly. "I don't."

"Ok..." You dropped it. She was already upset and arguing with her would just exacerbate that. Alcohol wasn't fun. Not really. It was an emotional amplifier. And it didn't discriminate between emotions. If you were having fun, alcohol would make it more fun. But if you weren't having fun...

"I'm sorry." She looked back at you again.

"It's ok.", you said. "Really, I'm not mad-"

"No, it's not that.", she said. "I'm sorry about... everything. Everything I put you through, everything I put... everyone through..."

"Oh! Well, I forgive you..." You sighed. "I mean, yeah, things weren't always... great... But it all worked out in the end, didn't it?" You placed your hand on the back of her neck and massaged her.

"Yeah. It worked out for us. It worked out for me..." Anger showed in her voice and on her face. Her brow bent in the middle, pulling her forehead and eyebrows tightly towards the area between her eyes. "It always does, somehow..."

You put both hands on the wheel and watched the road. Time passed. You switched to the left lane, in preparation for the upcoming turn that would take you off the main road and onto the side streets that led to your home. "Almost there!" You smiled at her. Her head was slumped over and her arms where limp at her sides. She was out. No, she was beyond that. She had passed out.

* * *

You pulled into the driveway and turned the car off. You looked over at her. There didn't appear to be any change between her current state and the state she was in when you last looked at her. You leaned in and held your breath, listening. You heard quiet breathing coming from her open mouth. Ok, she was still alive. That was good. You placed a hand on her shoulder and shook her gently. "Hey, Chara, we're home." You spoke softly, using the same voice you used to communicate with children, dogs, and the mentally challenged.

"We... we gotta have a chocolate cake, though...", she mumbled without opening her eyes. "Screw that white stuff..."

Oh great, she was planning your wedding now... "Ugh..." You stepped out of the car, walked around to the other side, and opened the door. "Hey, c'mon, let's go inside! You can't sleep out here!" The wind picked up for a second, giving the air enough velocity to penetrate your jacket, your skin, and, you swore, your soul. "Brrr!" You're blue now. "And _I_ can't sleep without my personal heater..." You rubbed your arms and shivered.

"I wonder...", she mumbled. "If I could get a sequined knife sheath made that would match the dress..."

"Ok, guess we're going to have to do this the hard way.", you said to... yourself. You reached down and unbuckled her seat belt, then placed one arm behind her back and the other under her knees and carefully lifted her out of the car. You pushed the door shut with your hip and carried her towards the front door.

She mumbled something incoherent.

"Huh?" You looked down at her face. "What was that?"

"Turkey jerky.", she mumbled.

"See?" You looked back up. "That's why that's not our safe word."

You reached the front door and stared at it for a moment. "Guess I should have unlocked the door before I picked you up, huh?" Maybe Flowey was right about you... You bent down and supported half of her with your knee, freeing up one of your hands to fish your keys out of your pocket. "If I drop you, I apologize in advance..." You pushed the key into the lock, producing a metallic grinding sound as the key displaced each individual pin to its correct depth, and turned. The door swung open slowly as you put your arm back underneath her and got to your feet. "Whew!" You looked down at her comatose face and smiled. "Here we are." You turned sideways and carried her over the threshold, into your home.

You took her to the bedroom and tenderly laid her down on the bed, before bending up and stretching your back. "Ooh! Guess both of us are going to hurt in the morning now!" You removed your jacket, threw it over your shoulder, kicked your shoes off, then reached down and picked them up. You turned and walked towards the exit, but stopped in the door way. You looked back at her, lying there, passed out on the bed. You walked back into the bedroom, set your shoes down, and tossed your jacket over the desk chair.

You sat down on the bed next to her and brushed the hair off her face. Your hand lingered on her cheek. She turned her head and snuggled up to your hand, with an adorable little affectionate sigh. You swallowed and blinked a couple times, then leaned down and kissed her on the cheek. "I love you.", you whispered into her ear. You sat back up and wiped another tear out of your eye. *Sniff!*

You got up off the bed and unbuttoned her jacket. You pulled her arms through the sleeves, then gently lifted her forwards and pulled the jacket out from under her. You tossed her jacket on top of yours, on the computer chair, and walked down to the foot of the bed. You unlaced her shoes and removed them, along with her socks. You returned to the side of the bed, unbuttoned her pants fly, and pulled the zipper down. (Un)*ziiiiipppp!*

"W... what are you doing?", she asked without opening her eyes.

"Agh!" You flinched back and nearly fell over. "Oh, jeez, Chara! You scared the crap out of me!" You placed your hand on your heart for non-patriotic reasons.

"What are you doing?", she repeated her question, her eyes still shut.

"We're home now." You moved closer and sat down on the bed next to her. "You were passed out, uh, I mean asleep. I was getting you ready for bed..."

"Oh.", she said. "Thanks. For a second there, I thought you were trying to take advantage of me..."

"What?!" You raised your hands into the air. "No, no! Why would I do that?! What kind of person do you think I am?!"

"Oh." She sounded... disappointed? That can't be right... "Why not?"

"Why not?" You scratched the back of your head. "Why not what?"

"Why aren't you trying to take advantage of me?", she asked.

"Uh," you said, "because I'm not a rapist?"

"Oh, right..." She frowned slightly. "Could you, uh, pretend?"

"Pretend?" You leaned in. "Pretend to be... a rapist?"

"Yes, please." She smiled. "While I pretend to be passed out?"

"Ugh..." You sat back up. "That turns you on? Why?"

"It's a kink." She shrugged. "I ain't gotta explain shit."

You laughed. "Damn it, Chara, you are one kinky bitch!"

"Mmmmmm! You know I love it when you call me that..." She reached her hands in the air and wiggled her fingers. "C'mere!"

"If you insist!" You crawled on top of her, into her waiting arms, and kissed her. After a dozen or so Rum and Coke flavored kisses, a disturbing thought crossed your mind, and you pulled back.

She kissed at the air for a couple seconds before she realized you weren't there anymore. "Hey, uh, don't leave me hanging here..."

"You know, uh, as much as I would like to take advantage of you right now...", you said. "I don't think now is a good time..."

"What?", she said. "Why?"

"Well, you see..." You ran a hand through your hair. "I don't think the sort of... motions required would be good for you in this state..."

"What do you mean?", she asked.

"Well, it's a lot of back and forth stuff..." You moved your hand back and forth, like you were scratching a record. "That could, uh, churn up your stomach..."

"Huh?" She furrowed her brow weakly. "You're not worried about me burping in your mouth again, are you?"

You chuckled. "No, it's not that, but it's, uh, along the same vein... You see, if this receipt is accurate..." You rolled off of her, onto your side, reached into your pocket, and pulled out the receipt that Grillby gave you. "...and you really did drink all this..." You pulled the receipt apart, unrolling it like an ancient scroll. "...then, thanks to your complete lack of tolerance, small frame, uh, gender handicap... Well, I'll just come out and say it." You let go of the bottom of the receipt, letting it roll back up. "It's pretty much guaranteed that you're going to throw up fairly soon and, well, I'd rather it _not_ be on me if I can help it."

"Oh." She frowned slightly.

"Yeah, sorry." You placed a hand on her cheek. "Vomit is a pretty big turn off for me. Much more than burping. Why don't we wait 'til tomorrow? Of course, there's still a chance you might throw up on me then, but I'd say it's much less."

"Ok." She nodded subtly.

"Alright. Thanks for understanding." You kissed her on the cheek, sat up, and stood up. "I'm going to go put our stuff away, then I'll be right back." You squeezed her hand.

"Ok." She squeezed back weakly.

You picked up both of your things and left the bedroom.

* * *

A little later, you walked back into the bedroom carrying a tall glass of water. "Ok, I've got some water here for you. I strongly recommend you drink it before bed. It should make tomorrow a little less awful."

"Ohgay.", she said.

You set the water down on the end table on her side of the bed. "I've left the lights on in the hallway and the bathroom." You pointed over your shoulder, at the open doorway where the the incandescent yellow of the hallway lights reached into the bedroom a short way. "If you need to, uh, you know, you shouldn't have any trouble finding the toilet.", you said, trying to reassure yourself more than her.

"Ahhrhht.", she said.

"Hmmm..." You tapped your chin. "Maybe I'll grab a bucket too..." You turned around and left the bedroom, only to return less than a minute later with the bucket from under the kitchen sink. "If you don't think you'll be able to make it to the bathroom in time, here's a bucket." You patted the bottom of the bucket a couple times, making a sound like far off native drumming. You set the bucket on the floor next to her side of the bed.

"Ok.", she said. "Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem. Just, uh, remember what side of the bed you're on. You need to lean left, not right." You leaned to the left. "Left, not right."

"Got it.", she said.

"Ok, cool. I'm going to change into my pajamas real quick." You removed your shirt and pants. "Alright, now I just gotta brush my teeth, then we can go to bed, ok?"

"Yeah, ok.", she said.

You left the bedroom for the bathroom, returning a few minutes later with your breath much mintier than it was before. In your absence she had drank the water you left her, finished undressing herself, and climbed under the covers. You quietly shut the bedroom door behind you, retracting the latch manually by turning the door handle back slowly. You took a few steps towards the bed, then realized how dark it was, how difficult it was to make out the door frame, how much time it would take someone, groggy from sleep, intoxicated, and with three, maybe four seconds before they projectile vomited, to make it out of the bedroom and to the toilet in time. You crept back to the door and stealthily opened it just enough that a little bit of the light from the hallway shone in, outlining the door in yellow, like a highlighter emphasizing an important section of text.

You walked over to the bed, threw the covers over, and climbed in. Ahhhh, nice and toasty! You leaned over to kiss your personal heater...

"Wait.", she said.

"Whoa!" You flinched back, just about falling out of bed and injuring your head. "Oh sorry, I just thought you were asleep again..." You caught your breath. "What... what do you need?"

"Nothing." She rolled over to face you, then opened her eyes. "I... I just want to tell you something."

"Ok...", you said, suppressing a yawn. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather wait until morning?"

"Yes.", she said. "I want to tell you now."

"Alright." You laid your head down on the pillow and looked into her eyes. "What is it?"

"They..." Her eyes turned downward. "They didn't do anything to me."

"What?", you asked. "Who? Who didn't do anything to you?"

"The people of my home town.", she said. "When we were in the car earlier today, you asked me what they had done to... make me want to hurt them, make me want to... get them first. The answer is... nothing. They... they didn't do anything to me. Nobody ever did."

"What..." You shut your eyes partially, and not because you were tired.

"It wasn't revenge.", she said. "They did nothing to provoke me. They were just... the closest..."

"Huh? I... I don't understand..." You shook your head on the pillow.

"Neither do I." She reestablished eye contact. "I've just always been this way... I was born this way..."

"You've always been what way?", you asked.

"I've always had this... need.", she explained, her voice getting more emotional the more explicit she spoke. "This urge... to hurt, to kill-"

"Chara, wait!" You held your hand out in front of you. "Y-you don't have to-"

"I know." She placed her hand on top of yours. "Please, I want to. You deserve to know." She gently pushed your hand down onto the bed.

"Ok..." You swallowed. Maybe you did deserve to know, but you weren't sure if you really wanted to. Not anymore. Now that it seemed like you weren't going to like the answer...

"As far back as I can remember, I've felt this way.", she said. "Even when I was a child I wanted to hurt, kill, even... torture others..."

Your eyes opened wider. Your mouth opened involuntarily.

"Even then I knew it was wrong, but I wanted it so badly... and I still do." She broke eye contact. "I crave it. It's like... like..." She shut her eyes and thought. "...an addiction. It's like I'm a drug addict, but I'm addicted to... blood, violence, and... and... power... The feeling of... growing stronger, more effective, more... ruthless..."

You shut your mouth and swallowed again before opening it back up.

She shut her eyes tightly and took a deep breath. "And then one day I... I... I climbed Mount Ebott. I wasn't running away. I was doing it to... protect everyone. And to... punish..." She looked into your eyes. "I... I wanted to die." Her voice broke and a tear ran down her cheek.

You quietly gasped and covered your mouth with your hand. You felt tears welling up in your eyes.

She regained composure slightly and wiped her eyes. "But instead of dying, I fell... I fell into the Underground. And I met them... Asriel, Toriel, Asgore... The Dreemurs. They welcomed me into their family. I had been given a second chance. I tried... I tried so hard..." Her voice broke again. She shut her eyes tightly, forcing tears out of them. "But... I screwed it up again. I couldn't control myself. I...

I tricked him. I tricked my best friend, my brother. I lied to him, I manipulated him... I told him we would free the monsters. I told him it was ok. That it was justice. Revenge for trapping the monsters underground.

It was all a lie. I never wanted to free the monsters. I just wanted to kill and the means to do it. After we had collected the souls we needed, I wasn't going to stop. I was going to keep going, keep killing and killing until all of humanity was destroyed. Then... then I was going to go back to the barrier, back underground, and... and..." She covered her eyes with her hand and took a few uneasy deep breaths. Not yet... Not yet... She was determined to hold on, determined to get it all out before she completely broke down. "I... I wasn't going to stop..."

Tears were running down your face now. Your heart had sank down to your stomach and was painfully being digested. You couldn't take much more of this, but you were determined to hold on, determined to let her finish before you completely lost it.

"It failed. I failed. He... he was stronger than I thought. He fought back and wouldn't let me..." A tear rolled off her cheek, landing on the pillow below. "We got hurt... I remember the pain, I remember him forcing us back to the Underground. He just wanted to go home, wanted to see his family again...

I fought him the whole way. Even as we were dying, I refused to give up. I was determined. Determined to fight, determined to live..." She sniffled. "And so I did. I got to come back. I got a third chance. And what did he get? He gets to spend the rest of eternity as a flower, all alone, without a soul, without... without... love... And... it's all my fault..."

She looked back into your eyes. "I'm... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." She completely broke down, shattering into a million little tears. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Frisk! I'm sorry... Asriel! I'm sorry A-! Oh God, I'm sorry! Oh God... I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry..."

You completely lost it. You wrapped your arms around her and pulled her in tight. She sobbed into your shoulder, apologizing over and over to those she had hurt, for what she had done, for what she was... You sobbed into her shoulder, apologizing over and over for... for... you didn't really know. All you knew was that you were sorry.

You held on to each other and cried for... who knows how long? You don't remember when you stopped. You don't remember falling asleep.


	8. Dead Souls

Sunlight shone around the edges and partially though the so-called "blackout" curtains of your bedroom. She groaned and rolled over, from her back to her side. This was around the thousandth time she had performed this maneuver, in the fruitless pursuit of that last little bit of comfort she hoped would be enough to allow her to get back to sleep. The last nine hundred and ninety nine times she tried this, it didn't work, but maybe this time... She sighed, blowing her bangs off her face. What was it they said the definition of insanity was? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? No matter, she already knew she was insane. And now so did you...

She panted a couple times. Now she was too hot... She grabbed the edge of the covers with both hands and flung them up and down, fanning herself and releasing some of the excess heat that had built up. Then, for good measure, she stuck a foot out from under the covers, as a sort of heat sink to stabilize her body temperature. This had to have been the hundredth time she had done this, at least. She was careful not to expose too much skin to the colder bedroom air. Any more than that and she'd go too far in the other direction and get too cold. Like she did the last ninety nine times...

She couldn't decide what was a greater contributor to her insomnia, the general feeling of crappiness from the large quantities of literal poison she drank not that many hours ago, her first hangover, or the anxiety related to the horrific little bedtime story she told you last night. Would things be different now? Now that you knew the truth? Did you... did you still...

She had been mulling over these nagging questions for hours now. The only way she was gong to get to sleep was to get her mind to shut up. By force if necessary... She clenched her eyes shut tightly and focused on not thinking, which, ironically, required a great deal of concentration. She flung a bucket of black paint against the canvas of her mind, drowning the graffiti-like anxieties that infested it, and stood on guard, dual wielding wet paint brushes, ready to extinguish any other colorful thoughts that dare disturb the peaceful void.

Her breathing slowed, her brow relaxed and straightened, her concentration waned... "Does he still love me?", a voice whispered in the back of her head. The sound echoed through the empty halls of her mind, jolting her awake.

She gasped, groaned, and rolled back onto her back. This was impossible... How on earth was she supposed to sleep and play bouncer for her mind at the same time? She'd have to be crazy to try that again.

She decided to give it another shot. She draped an arm over her eyes, took a deep breath, and dedicated all her mental resources towards absolutely nothing again. Using the sound of her breathing as a mantra, she systematically purged her mind of all thoughts. Thought genocide. Each and every muscle in her body relaxed, from the tips of her toes, all the way to the hairs on the top of her head, despite not having any muscles. Her breathing slowed in frequency and volume, reality began to fall out of focus and blur... "Brrr!" She was shaken awake by her body convulsing to warm itself up. She instinctively pulled her foot back under the covers.

"Grrr!" She had had enough of this insanity. She flung the covers off and sat up. "Ugh..." Pain. She clutched her forehead and gritted her teeth. She felt like she had been stabbed in the head... She opened her eyes wide and felt around her cranium for any protruding knife handles or puncture marks. When she found none, she reached under her pillow and retrieved her knife. Right where it belongs... For a second there, she was worried that she may have slept on it. Again...

She pivoted and stepped out of bed, onto the cold carpet floor. "Woo..." Standing caused a sudden drop in blood pressure, which her heart just wasn't ready for. Her head turned into a helium balloon, lifted up off her shoulders, and bounced against the ceiling. She sat back down on the bed, before she fell down, and gave her circulatory system some time to catch up.

She stepped out of the bedroom and made her way to the bathroom. "Agh!" She emerged a couple minutes later, rubbing the area where her thighs used to be, before they froze to the toilet seat and were torn off when she stood up. ...Ok, that may have been an exaggeration, but the toilet seat _was_ uncomfortably cold.

She shambled down the hallway, bracing herself against the wall, towards the kitchen. Towards you. The light grew in intensity as she approached. She felt as if someone was focusing a magnifying glass on her retinas. Now she knew how those ants felt when she did that when she was a kid. And last summer... She held a hand up to block the obnoxious sun and turned the corner. Her eyes painfully adjusted to the brightly lit kitchen. You were sitting at the table, eating a bowl of cereal, and reading on your phone.

Seeing you... Her expression went from a negative seven to a positive two. Pleasant thoughts filled her mind, taking her away from the misery of the present. She thought about all the things you had done for her, how good you were to her, how much fun she had with you, how sweet you were to her, how much she truly loved you... She wanted to run into your arms and embrace you. Right now. She wanted to kiss you all over, tell you how much she loved you, even serenade you if it would make you happy... But...

"Small White Dog 'Absorbs' Rare Sports Car", you read the news headline on your phone. "Huh." You reached for the spoon resting in your bowl of Reese's Puffs cereal and scooped up another load of peanut butter flavored nuggets. You raised the cereal out of the bowl, turned your head towards the spoon... "Oh hey!" Glancing past your spoon of milklogged spheres you noticed her standing there. "Good morning!"

"Hey..." Her face slipped back into its former, less than neutral expression, as she slipped back into the miserable present.

You set your spoon down in your cereal and sat up. "So, how do you feel?"

She tried to think of something to say that would convey the absolute misery she was in succinctly, but, since she was feeling absolutely miserable, she decided it wasn't worth the effort. "Awful.", was what she said, with the hope that you would interpret her lack of creativity as a sign of how horrible she truly felt.

"Yeah, I figured as much..." You shot her a sympathetic frown. "Why don't you let me make you something for breakfast?" You turned your phone off and set it down on the table. "There's no better cure for a hangover than a good, hearty breakfast..."

"It's not the hangover." She winced and clutched her head. "Well, not primarily..."

"Oh...", you said.

Her head went on another diet. She braced herself on the chair opposite you for a moment until most of the wooziness passed, then pulled it out and sat down. She placed her elbows on the table and held her head between her hands. "Alright..." She squinted at the table, the gap between her eyelids wide enough to accommodate only a single photon at a time. "The anticipation is killing me. Do you... do you hate me now or... what?"

"Or what.", you answered, without hesitation and without chalants.

She tilted her head up and stared at you, her brow bent intensely, giving her the appearance of a _Star Trek_ alien, while she processed what you said with her sleep deprived and hung over brain. "W-what..." Her sense of humor system hadn't come online yet. If it ever did today...

"No." You put on your super serious face, a sign that what you were saying was the absolute truth. "I don't hate you. Not at all."

She shut her eyes and exhaled. When she opened them, they had been resurfaced with a coat of lacquer made of tears. "R-really?", she whispered.

"Y-yeah!" You flinched back slightly and cocked your head, a little surprised that there was any question about it. "Of course!" You reached out across the table and took her hand in yours.

"T-thank you..." She swallowed and sniffled. "Thank you so much..." She squeezed your hand.

"Why would you think I'd hate you?", you asked.

"B-because... because it's just... nothing. Nothing at all." She wiped her eyes. "I have no excuse. No... traumatic experience, no... abuse, no nothing..." She shook her head sadly. "My family was extraordinarily normal. I had a mom and dad who loved me, we were reasonably well off, I had everything I needed..." She shut her eyes and sighed. "I was just... born this way, I've always been this way, and... I'll always be this way..."

She felt your hand flinch in her's. She opened her eyes and caught you swallowing, anxiety showing through your wider-than-normal eyes.

"I'm not going to do it.", she said, wearing her own super serious face. "When I told you I wasn't... I meant that. I promise you that..." She broke eye contact for a second. "What I didn't tell you was that it was going to be hard. that I would have to fight it. Every day. For the rest of my life..."

You exhaled quietly in relief, releasing your worries along with the contents of your lungs. "This... this doesn't change anything." You shook your head slightly, without breaking eye contact. "It's true, I thought that... something had happened to you... something bad..." Your expression took a subtle downturn for a moment, before returning to its previous state. "To make you... feel the way that you do. But now that I know that's not the case? Well, nothing's changed." You smiled and reached your other hand across the table and placed it over the back of her's, so that both your hands enveloped her's. "I don't hate you. I don't hate you and I want to help you. In any way that I can."

Liquid gathered in the corners of her eyes. She covered them with her hand and tilted her head away. "Nothing's changed.", she played back your comforting words in her mind. She had been so worried that she had thrown everything you had away by telling you the truth, by showing you what she really was, but instead, "nothing's changed".

Her head felt like someone had filled a syringe full of fire ants and injected them into her forehead, she ached all over, like she had spent all day yesterday organizing an eccentric millionaire's large collection of anvils, she simultaneously felt too hot and too cold, like she had been defrosted in an older microwave without a turntable, she was nauseous to the point where just acknowledging the existence of alcohol or white chocolate would probably send her running for the bathroom, but she was overcome with a feeling of... contentedness.

Things had been going so well... She had been holding her own against her urges, and it was getting easier to do so everyday. Helping out around the house had become part of her routine. She didn't even think twice about it now, and was considering finding a part-time job to contribute even more. She was in love, for the first time, and now she knew that her love reciprocated those feelings, to the extent that the revelation of her mental illness, the news that she was... crazy, insane, completely bonkers... didn't change a thing...

This was... this was it, wasn't it? The thing that she never knew she always wanted. She had it. A normal life... And it was good. And it was going to get better, wasn't it? Looking forward, she saw nothing but good things coming your way... You two would get married. It would be a fairly small affair, nothing too fancy. Only close friends and family would be invited. There would be chocolate cake... She'd cut it, of course... You'd take home the leftovers... After a couple years of married bliss, you'd decide that it was time to stop renting and put a down payment on a house. Something slightly larger than your current place, maybe even with... another bedroom... or two... You could paint one blue, for baby Asriel, and one pink for... for...

She opened her eyes and looked at you, staring back at her, smiling, with love in your eyes. "No..."

"N-no?" Your smile faded and confusion took over your face.

"No. I... I... can't do this anymore..." She tore her hands from your grip.

"What?" You glanced down at your now lonely hands, then back to her. "W-what are you talking about?"

"I can't... I can't do this to you anymore..." She pushed her chair out and stood up. "I... I have to go..." She backed away from the table, shaking her head.

"Go?!", you asked, following her movements with your eyes. "Go where?!"

She took a quick glance out the window, at Mount Ebott, casting a giant shadow over everything too close to it. "It... it doesn't matter... I just... have to leave. I can't... I can't stay here anymore... I can't be with you..."

"What?!" You leapt to your feet. Your chair slid back and nearly tipped over. "No, Chara, you-"

"Please!" She held her hands up in front of herself. "Just... just trust me... I'm not worth it... You deserve better..."

"'Better'?!" You stepped around the table and approached her. "I don't want 'better'!"

"You deserve to be with someone... someone _good_!", she said. "Someone like you!"

"But you are-", you said.

"No!", she shouted, her sudden outburst stopping you in your tracks. "I am not good! I am... I am not good..." She shook her head frantically, pulling tears out of her eyes and down her face. "I am not right..."

"Yes you are, Chara!" You resumed your advance. "Please, hear me out-"

"I'm sick!" She backed away further. "I'm... I'm... broken! Damaged! Defective! I'm a freak, a psycho..."

"No!", you shouted. "You aren't any of those things! You just-"

"I am too!" She maintained the distance between you. "I know... I... I know... Just... just forget about me, ok? Just pretend you never met me..."

"No!" You reached out to her. "Why are you doing this?! What's wrong?!"

"Please... please just..." Tears cascaded down her face. "I can't... It's not... It's not fair... It's not right... I don't... I don't deserve... Please let me... fix this... Let me just... make things right... As... as best I can..." She tried to retreat further, but ran into a wall. A non-metaphorical wall. She burst into tears and fell against the wall behind her, sliding down it slowly, sobbing into her hands. "Just... just let me go!"

You closed the remaining distance as she cried on the floor. You kneeled down before her and gave her some time. After she calmed down a bit, you reached out to comfort her. "It's... it's ok..."

"'It's ok'?!", she quoted from behind her hands, the predominant emotion in her voice transitioning from sorrow to anger. "'It's ok'?! It is not ok!" She pushed your hand off her shoulder. "It is _not_ ok and it'll never be ok! Don't... don't say things like that when... when... you don't even know..."

"Oh, c'mon!" You raised your hand into the air. "You can beat this! I know you can! I'll... I'll help you! Together we can-"

"So, what?! That's not... that's not going to..." She looked into your eyes. "I can't... I can't take back..." She shook her head without breaking eye contact.

"Is this about Asriel?", you asked. "Yeah, I suppose the damage is done there... But wouldn't he want you to-"

"It's not about Asriel.", she said, sharply.

"It's... it's not?" You scratched the side of your head. "Then... then... what?"

She moved her mouth like she was going to say something, but hesitated. She tried again with the same result. She shut her eyes, and took a few deep breaths into her hands until her breathing stabilized. She lowered her hands and locked her eyes with yours once again. "Y-you... you deserve to know everything. Absolutely everything. And... and..." She shut her eyes and took another deep breath. "There's one more thing... One more thing I need to tell you..."

You placed your elbow on your knee and rested your cheek in your hand. "What is it?"

"I... I..." She closed her eyes tightly. She didn't want to tell you this next part. But she was going to. She had to. You had earned it. And she had earned the consequences that followed. Besides, it was the only way. The only way to get you to let her go. The only way to get you to let her leave. For good. The only way to get you to hate her as much as she did and allow her to return to the Hell she came from.

"Chara?" You raised your eyebrows.

She opened her eyes. "I did it once.", she whispered.

"You did what?", you asked.

She didn't say anything, but hung her head, turning her gaze downward.

"You don't...", you said. "You don't mean..."

She closed her eyes and tilted her head further down.

"No!" You covered your mouth with your hand. "No...", you said once more, through your hand.

"She... she was a classmate." She opened her eyes and stared at her lap. "Alma. Alma... I don't remember her last name. She was... just the sweetest kid. Everybody loved her. She was small, cute, _weak_..." She exhaled and rested her head against the wall behind her. "I couldn't have asked for a more perfect... first..."

"Oh God..." Your head dropped downwards, so that your hand was on your temple, as you stared at the ground.

"I knew where she lived. I had gone to her birthday party that year. It was at the end of this secluded road with trees on either side... I waited for her there, in the middle of the road, where nobody could see... She..." She dammed the flow of liquid from her eyes with her hand. "She thought... (Oh God)... She thought... I came over to play..."

Your head slipped from your hand, coming to a rest in the crook of your arm. "God... God damn it..." Your own eyes began to overflow.

She lowered the hand from her face and let it fall limp at her side. "It was fun... I... had fun... And I felt... proud... Proud of myself. I felt like I had accomplished something, like I had overcome a great obstacle. I wanted to do it again. And again... I wanted to get better at it. I wanted to get stronger, more powerful, more... experienced...

I became... determined. Determined to kill... Kill until there was nothing left. Kill everything and become powerful... The most powerful being in existence... I had... I had found my purpose...

Deep down, I knew it was wrong. I knew I had done something wrong. But I found it easy to ignore those feelings. Until... the next day... t-the next day..."

She made the sounds and motions of crying, but not the tears. It seemed that she had exhausted her supply. "The next day, mom woke me up... My real mom... She had been crying... She heard about it on the news. She broke it to me gently. I... I pretended to cry... A-at first..." She took a slow and jittery deep breath. "She told me how awful it was, a parent losing their child... She hugged me and told me that she... l-loved me... How I was the most important thing in the world to her... And... and... what it would do to her... if... if she lost me... like... like Alma's parents had lost... their... their..."

She held her eyes shut tightly, standing on the edge of the pit of despair. After a full ten second balancing act, she stepped back onto solid ground and was able to continue. "At school, the teacher told us what had happened... She... couldn't hold it together... Everyone was crying... We spent the whole morning making cards for her parents...

It was too much... The guilt... I... I just couldn't take it anymore... I asked to go to the bathroom and went home instead. I grabbed the knife. My knife, this one." She held up her signature knife in her trembling hand. "This was the one... The one I killed her with..." She locked eyes with the murderer reflecting in the shiny part of her knife for a moment. "I wanted to... plunge it into my own heart." She took the knife in both hands and pressed the tip against her sternum. "It was only fair that I should go the same way she did. An eye for an eye... But..." She lowered the knife into her lap. "I couldn't do it. I was too much of a coward. Instead, I started walking towards Mount Ebott. Wishing, hoping, praying... that something would take me... that God would strike me down... that I could just die..."

Her story finally complete, she looked up at you. You stared at the floor, focusing on nothing particular. Shell shocked, like a soldier, standing in a trench, freezing bloody water and spent ammunition casings up to their gangrenous ankles, surrounded by the bodies of their former comrades and enemies, hearing the news that the battle they had been fighting for years was lost before it even began.

"Now you know.", she said quietly. "And now... you hate me, don't you?"

"No. I just..." You shook your head slowly. "I don't know..."

"You hate me.", she said. "And I don't blame you. Now you know why I need to go-"

"No!" You jerked your head up and looked her in the eyes. "You... you... you couldn't help it! You were just a child! You made a mistake!"

"No! It wasn't a mistake! I did it on purpose! I wanted to do it! I enjoyed it! I... I loved it!", she screamed, shaking her tightly wound fists in front of her. "It was the single best moment of my life!" Somehow she found more tears. She clutched her head in her hands and cried for a moment, then screamed in anger and flung her head backwards, hard, into the wall behind her. *Crunch!*

You gasped and covered your mouth. "C-Chara!"

She tilted her head forward, her eyes clenched in pain, flecks of drywall sliding off her head and shoulders onto her lap. "This is... who I am... This is me... The urges... they're a part of me... You can't... you can't change me... You can't fix me... You can't... You can't save me!" The pain on her face turned back to anger. She screamed and slammed her head into the wall again. And again. And again...

"Chara, stop it!" You reached out to restrain her.

"I will never be normal! I'm sick! I'm a freak!" She struggled against you, violently banging her head against the wall when you couldn't stop her. "I'm a demon! I'm fucking evil!"

Seeing Chara do this to herself? It filled you with... anger. Unimaginable anger. The kind of anger that, if weaponized somehow, could be used to create a bomb, an emotional nuke, that could wipe out an entire city full of monsters and maybe even humans. It was the same anger that possessed you, over a year ago, to strike her when she threatened to hurt the ones you loved. Now Chara _was_ hurting someone you loved. She was hurting herself.

Your cool quickly melted, came to a rolling boil, and evaporated, escaping out your ears as steam. "No!" You squeezed your hand into a weapon and hurled it against the floor. The sounds of your voice, distorted by a demonically angry tone, and your fist pounding the floor combined, forming a sound loud enough to eclipse her din and startle her into stopping. She caught herself, before her head could hit the wall again, and stared back at you, through the gypsum thick air, a terrified look on her tear and sweat streaked face.

"You are not evil!" You pointed at her, you hand shaking, the bottom of it bright red from its collision with the hard linoleum of the kitchen floor just seconds ago. "Evil doesn't... If you're evil then, what does that make... Do you... do you think Dad is evil?!"

"W-what?!" She had never seen you this angry. It was very... unlike you. It was very... scary for her. She was scared. Scared of... you?

"Do you think Dad is evil?!" You shook your hands in the air wildly. "You know, King Fluffybuns?! Is he evil?!"

"N-no..." She brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her shaking arms around them. "No, he's not..."

"How many children has he killed?!" You held your hand up in the air. The redness had spread and now engulfed your entire hand. "Far more than you! Undyne, Mettaton, Asriel..." You counted on your blood red fingers. "My own mother, even! They've all killed children... Me!" You smacked your hand flat on your chest hard, making a dull thud sound like a leather drum. "I... I was the child they killed..." Your voice broke and you smacked your chest again, this time with much less vigor.

The fear on her face turned to sympathy. You never spoke of dying. Your deaths. Your... many, many deaths... She knew what it was like to die. It was... unpleasant... For just a second she tasted buttercups mixed with vomit in the back of her throat. She fought back the urge to gag and pushed those memories out of her mind. And she had only died twice. You... you died dozens of times, maybe hundreds. And each death was at the hands of someone you now loved...

"So you killed a child?" You wiped the moisture off your cheek and disposed of it on your pants. "Well... join the club!" You threw your hands into the air once more. "You're in good company!"

"That's... that's different!" She held her hands out to you, pleadingly. "They... they had reasons..."

"And you don't?! You think you're evil?!" You scoffed. "Evil doesn't exist! People don't do awful things for no reason! You think Dad would have hurt anyone if he hadn't lost both of his children in a single day, said some dumb things in the heat of the moment, then stuck to his guns to keep his people from losing hope? Would Asriel have hurt anyone if he hadn't lost his soul and with it his ability to feel love and compassion? Would... would you have... done what you did if you hadn't..." You shook your head. "I dunno... Lost the genetic lottery so spectacularly?! Been dropped on your head as a baby?! Been... been... born on a blood moon, thus fulfilling some ancient Mayan doomsday prophecy and becoming the anti-Christ?!"

"But..." She held her hands out before herself and shook them. "That's not... that's not a good reason!"

"It's as least as good as your brother's!" You shrugged aggressively. "And I forgave him! I really did!" You placed your hand on your chest, hard enough to make the drum sound again. "I forgive him, just like I forgive you." You looked into her eyes and placed your hands on her shoulders firmly. "I forgive you, Chara!"

"No!" She pushed your hands away. "You... you can't! I... I won't let you!" She crossed her arms.

"I kinda just did!" You smirked. "And I can't take it back now! That would make me... an Indian Forgiver or something!"

"How? How?! How can you forgive me?! If it wasn't for me..." She shook her head slightly. "It was all my fault..." She placed a hand on her chest. "Asriel... If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have been like that! I made him into what he is!"

"And the luck of the draw made you into what you are.", you said. "It's not your fault you were dealt a two of spades and the rules card."

"But-", she began to say.

"Besides, Asriel's situation just goes to show how fine the line is between good and so-called evil.", you interrupted. "It doesn't take much to push someone over the edge. Even someone like Asriel... Asriel... he was a good person, right? I mean, before he turned into a flower?"

"Yes." Her mind filled with examples supporting her statement. She shooed these memories from her mind, lest she cry again. "He was... he was a saint..." She sniffled.

"So take Asriel.", you said, "a certified _good_ person. Take him and turn him into a flower. Take away his ability to love, give him the power to roll back time... He can't return to his family, he's done everything that can possibly be done, he gets bored and goes a little crazy..."

"Yes, but-" She held up a single finger.

"I believe that you are a good person too, Chara!", you said, interrupting her once more. "But, like Asriel, you have a problem... a, uh, disability... And, unlike Asriel, you were born with your disability. You were... you were born a flower."

She put on a confused expression. "I was born... a... a..."

"A flower. Yes." You shut your eyes and nodded once in her direction. "You see... Asriel... Asriel still exists! He's just trapped inside Flowey. And you... deep down you are a good person, too. Deep down, there exists your own version of Asriel that's trying to get-"

"No, that's not-", she said.

"It is too!", you said, your voice overpowering her's. "I know that that part of you exists! I've _met_ her! Hell, I'm talking to her right now! She's the one that's trying to convince me to hate you! She's the one that sent you up Mount Ebott! She's... she's the one... the one I fell in love with and love so much, that I'm willing to accept her, _and_ the rest of her entire dysfunctional family that I'm not too crazy about!"

She inhaled and opened her mouth, in preparation for delivering her counter argument, but... Looking into your eyes, mentally reiterating your last sentence... She had completely forgotten what she was going to say. And why she was having this argument with you in the first place...

"You tried to kill yourself.", you said. "You realize that if you had gotten caught, the punishment would have been less severe than that, right? You were a minor! There's no way they would have given you the death penalty! You sentenced yourself to that! Not only to punish yourself, but to keep yourself from doing it again! Would a non-good person have done that?! Really, when you think about it, you're a hero, almost..."

"A-a hero?!" She flung a hand into the air. "How can you say that?! And I thought I was crazy..."

"What is more heroic than sacrificing yourself to protect others?!", you countered, flinging your own hand into the air.

"Yeah, protect them from myself!" She flung her other hand into the air. "Then, after I failed to kill myself, I went on to hurt even more people!"

"Still." You lowered your hand. "If you weren't a good person, you wouldn't have done that. And yes, you did relapse after that, but you were just a child then, with nobody there who knew what you were going through. You are an adult now, and you have me to help you. I have faith in you!"

I was... I was going to do it, right after I got my new body...", she said through gritted teeth. "I was ready to kill... If it wasn't for you, stopping me..."

"Oh, I stopped you?" You placed the palm of your hand flat on your chest. "I don't remember it that way. I remember I protested a _little bit_..." You held your hand up, your pointer finger and thumb close together, to the point where they were nearly touching. "...and you stopped yourself. It was almost like you were looking for an excuse not to do it..."

"No! I wanted to do it! I was excited! I mean... maybe subconsciously..." She placed a hand on her forehead and leaned back, resting her head in the perfect silhouette of it she had bored in the wall. "But... I was trying to ignore those feelings! I just got... distracted... All of a sudden I had a body again... I felt all these sensations that I hadn't felt in forever. And some new ones..." She bit her lip. "The last time I had a body, I was just a kid. Now I had a fully grown adult body and all that entailed... I didn't get to go through sexual maturity gradually like you did. I wasn't used to feeling... that kind of desire... It was overwhelming..."

"And then you told me that you wanted to kill me last." You crossed your arms. "You said it was because you wanted to play a game with me, toy with me, try and break my spirit... But I think maybe you just weren't ready to kill the one person you were closest too..."

She started to say something, then stopped and thought. "Ok, there's a little bit of truth to that... You had been so nice to me over the years. I mean, anyone else would have just called an exorcist years ago... It felt wrong to just up and kill you. That's why I decided to wait until I had killed so much that I didn't care anymore. But if things had gone differently and you had really tried to stop me..."

"It seems to me..." You tapped your chin with a finger. "That a large part of your wanting to kill was to kill your feelings. Perhaps you saw violence as the only way to remove the guilt?"

"That was... that was part of it. A very small part..." She clutched her temple and let out an exasperated sigh. "There's no point in arguing this with you. You only see the good in people, no matter how small it is." She folded her arms. "You want to forgive me? Go ahead. I don't care anymore." She looked away and it was silent for a moment. "But I can't. I can't forgive myself. I'm not like you. What I have done... it's unforgivable. I won't forgive myself and... I won't forget... I... I refuse."

"That's fine.", you said. "I don't care if you or... anyone else thinks you're worthy of forgiveness. The only thing that matters is that I do. And I do."

Neither of you said anything for a moment.

"But, I think you're right..." She turned her head back to you and made eye contact. "Right about Asriel doing what he did because he couldn't feel love... If it wasn't for love..." She looked away and shook her head a few times before returning her eyes to yours. "I couldn't do this... I couldn't fight back... I... never knew the importance of love... That is, until recently..." She held her hands out for you to take, which you gladly did. "What I said in the car... That was all true. I really do love you." She smiled weakly. "I have for a long time, but... At first I didn't want to admit it... Do you... do you remember that last conversation you had with Asriel? When he said that I... I hated humanity?"

"Yeah, I do." You nodded subtly. "That's what made me think that... something had happened to you. That someone..." You frowned. "That someone had hurt you..."

"I'm sorry I let you believe that for so long.", she said. "The truth is, I don't hate humans. Asriel misunderstood me. I hate _being_ human. I hate _my_ humanity. I always thought it was holding me back, and, honestly, it was. If it wasn't for things like compassion, empathy, _guilt_..." She closed her eyes and exhaled. "I wouldn't have stopped. I wouldn't have climbed Mount Ebott... I always saw human emotions as weaknesses. I wanted to rid myself of them through dehumanizing violence... Falling in love was the last thing I wanted.

Then, when I finally accepted it... I... was afraid. Afraid that when you finally found out what I was and what I had done... that you'd hate me. But you... don't?"

"Nope.", you said, confidently and without a nanosecond of hesitation. "Not even a little bit. The exact opposite actually..."

"And... every time you say things like that..." She chuckled and shook her head. "I'm worried... that this is all too good to be true... Why did I get a second and third chance? Why did I get to wake up in the head of the sweetest, most wonderful person in the world? Why did I get to come back to life? Why... do I deserve all this?"

You looked up at the ceiling. "Sometimes, I wonder what I did to deserve a smoking hot redhead appearing in my home one day, demanding sex..."

She chuckled. "That is a simplification of what happened, if I've ever heard one..."

"Well, yeah..." You shrugged. "But that's how things turned out, isn't it? What did I do to deserve that?"

"Oh, I don't know...", she said, with blatant sarcasm. "What about that time you saved an entire species from their subterranean prison? Maybe that was worth some good karma?"

"Oh yeah..." You looked back to her and nodded. "I guess that _was_ kinda a big deal, wasn't it? Well, maybe you... _don't_ deserve all this? And maybe... maybe _I_ do? Maybe this is my reward and not yours?"

She lowered her head and snickered.

"No, really!" You squeezed her hands. "You know I have a thing for redheads! You've, uh, seen the folder..."

"Yes I have." She nodded.

"And, uh, contributed to it..." You jutted your jaw out.

"Yes I have." She grinned.

"And it's not just that...", you said. "This last year with you? It was great! Honestly, the best year of my life! Sure, it was a little rough at first... But I wouldn't change it for the world! You probably think that I'm some bleeding heart hippie, that I love everyone... Well, I guess there's some truth to that..." You looked to the upper right for a moment before returning your eyes to her. "But you... you're special! I've never cared for _anyone_ as much as I care for you! Chara, what I said in the car... that was true as well. I really do love you. More than anything."

She looked back at you and smiled, then the smile faded. "I'll never understand why..."

You smirked. "Maybe I'm sick. Or broken. Or damaged, defective... Maybe I'm a freak?"

"Only in bed." She grinned, then put on a more serious face. "But really, sometimes I think you are. For putting up with me. For... setting for me... Someone like you... You're a... you're a hero! You saved the monsters! If you didn't avoid the spotlight, you could be a celebrity! You could have any woman you wanted... You could do so much better..."

"I don't want 'better'!" You shook your head gently. "I mean... there is no better! It doesn't get any better than you! You're already the best! I _have_ the woman I want! I... I love you! I love being with you! I don't want this to ever-" You stopped, mid-sentence, and thought, your enthusiastic expression quickly changing into a more solemn one. "You're... you're going to stay now, right?"

She sighed. "Yeah, I guess... I mean, if it's ok..."

"It's more than ok!" Your demeanor underwent the reverse of its previous transformation. "In fact, I just realized... I could never let you go... When you said... when you said you were going to leave..." Your expression took a worried turn. "That... that scared me... I can't... I can't let that happen... That's why... why I'm going to do something now to make it so you'll never leave..."

"What, are you going to tie me up again?", she joked. "Because, honestly, I wouldn't mind revisiting that..."

"No... I mean... yes, in a way, I suppose..." You moved to take the traditional position, but realized that you were already in that position. "Oh... Well, that's convenient..."

"What?" She tilted her head.

"Oh, uh, nothing..." You shut your eyes and shook your head sharply. "So, uh, Chara..." You looked into the pair of flawless rubies she called eyes.

"Yeah?" She looked back into brown lines you called eyes.

"Uh..." You swallowed, then put on the lovinglyiest smile you could. "Will you marry me?"

"W-what...", she said.

"Will you marry me, Chara?", you repeated. "I mean... I don't have a ring or anything, and I know this is possibly the worst time to ask you something like this, what with you being all hung over and, uh... bummed out? But... I can't let you go! I _need_ you! I... I can't live without you!"

"A-are you s-serious?" She sat up on her knees. "Surely, y-you can't be s-serious..."

"As serious as I can be.", you said, completely deadpan. "And don't call me Shirley."

She covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh my God..." Her eyes grew moist. For the billionth time today... There was talk amongst the workers in her tear factories of unionizing.

"Look," you said, "we already live together, share everything, uh... fool around... Getting married isn't going to change anything. And that's exactly what I want. I don't want things to change. I want you to continue to be with me like this, for as long as possible..."

"I... I don't know what to say..." She shook her head rapidly. Her entire body was shaking.

"Well..." You bowed your head and raised your hand into the air. "Think abou-"

"Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!", she shouted. "Of course! Of course! I love you so much!"

You looked back up at her, a smile on your face. That smile quickly turned to horror as you realized she was now flying towards you, like an excited Labrador Retriever, leaking tears of joy instead of drops of slobber. "Woah!" As you fell backwards, about to painfully collide with the cold, hard, linoleum floor, for the second time today, you regretted not moving to the living room before asking her such a serious question. You know, where there was carpet...

"Thank you! Thank you!" She wept into your shoulder. "Thank you so much! Oh God, I love you! Thank you, thank you..." She moved her mouth to yours and kissed you passionately. "*Hurk!*" She pulled away and covered her mouth with her hand. "Oh... oh God..."

"What is it?!" You leaned up on your elbows.

"We're... going to have to finish this later." She got to her feet. "I... I think I need to go... make out with the toilet for a moment..." She touched her lips.

"'Make out with the toilet'?! What do you-" You visualized your Grillby's receipt. "Oh, right..."

"Stay... stay right here!" She stepped over you and moved towards the bathroom, walking backwards. "Don't move a muscle! I'm going to go throw up real quick, then we can continue where we left off!"

"You mean... kissing? Ugh..." You rolled onto your side. "You know what... now that I think about it, maybe married life isn't for me..."

"Too late! I already said yes!" She turned around and ran for the bathroom.

"I, uh... I think I might be gay, actually!", you shouted after her.

"Does that mean you'll finally let me use the strap on on you?!", she shouted back.

"No, no! God, no!", you shouted. "Ok, f-forget I said that! Just... just use the mouth wash, ok?!"

"Ok!", she shouted from the bathroom.

"And, uh...", you shouted. "I love you!"

"I love you t- blllaaagghhhh!", she said/vomited.


	9. An Ending

Your brain interpreted the patterns of pixels on the small screen you held between your hands. Each rectangular region formed a symbol that corresponded to a sound. Series of symbols combined, forming words. Words combined, forming sentences... Your subconscious brain performed all the complex calculations that reading required and passed the results on to your conscious brain. ...Which immediately discarded them.

You couldn't focus. Your brain was a steaming goulash of thoughts, all of them relating to the last hour's events. How were you going to break the news of your engagement to your friends and family? What would you tell them about Chara's past? What if you did decide to have children someday? Was Chara's... "condition" inheritable?! Would she be able to control herself for the rest of your lives?! Would you... you and the children be safe?! When the hell was she coming out of the bathroom?!

You turned your head and glanced at the closed bathroom door, from your seat immediately next to it, on the carpeted floor of the hallway. A perfect line of yellow light projected out from under the door, like an appropriately-colored welcoming mat. You leaned in and listened, but could hear nothing over the white noise of the bathroom fan that came as a package deal with the bathroom lights.

You had done what you were told. You had waited on the cold, hard linoleum of the kitchen floor, where she had pinned you earlier, waiting for her to return to continue celebrating your engagement. But as time passed, your legendary patience wore thinner and thinner, much like your bed sheets had as of late.

You turned your head back to your phone and stared at its screen, at the article it was displaying. "Terrorist Attack at Spider Baseball Field Kills Fif-" You closed your eyes and sighed, leaning back and resting your head against the wall behind you. Without looking, you pressed the physical button on the upper left corner of your phone, darkening the screen, and slid it back into your pocket. You held this pose for a while, just... waiting...

*Tap tap tap...* Grown bored by your idleness, your subconscious brain decided to entertain itself with some impromptu music. *Tap tap, _tap tap tap tap tap tap!_ Tap tap tap tap, tap tap tap tap...* Alternating between your right hand, right knee and your left hand, left knee, your hands, acting autonomously, began to tap out an iconic beat on your knee caps. "...Left the blood stains on the carpet..." You mouthed the words to the song you were now covering. "...She ran underneath the table, he could see she was unable..." You opened your eyes and started bobbing your head along to the music. "...So she ran into the bedroom, she was struck down, it was her doom..." Your singing audible now, you added your own personal touch to the lyrics of the chorus, making the song oddly topical. "...Chara are you ok? So Chara are you ok? Are you ok, Chara?" You raised the volume and pitch of your voice higher as you lost yourself in song. " _Chara are you ok?! So, Chara are you ok?! Are you ok, Chara?!_ " You leapt to your feet and attempted to walk backwards, while giving the appearance of walking forwards. It was a Moon Walk only in the sense that you looked like a lunatic. " _ **Chara are you ok?! Will you tell us that you're ok?!**_ "

"I'm fine!", Chara shouted from the bathroom. "Relax!"

"Hee hee?!" Chara's voice drew your head towards the bathroom door, altering your center of mass slightly. Your left heel, sliding backwards, collided with your right foot.

"I said I'm fine!", Chara repeated herself, louder. "I'll be out in a minute! Stop freaking out!"

"Ooof!" You got back to your feet. "'F-freaking out'?! I wasn't-"

She scoffed, loud enough to be heard over the fan and through the door. "Yeah, whatever! Then why did you sound like a crying little girl?!"

"No, no, you misunderstand!" You took a step closer to the door. "I was, uh, uh..." You shook your head sharply. "Ugh, whatever! So you _are_ ok?! Why are you still in there?!"

"Like I said, I'm fine!", she shouted. "I'm just... not quite finished..."

"Really?!" You put your hands on your hips. "You've been in there a long time!"

"I know, I know!" The floor creaked as she moved around in the bathroom. The perfect line of light coming out from under the door was broken up by a pair of foot-sized obstacles as she moved closer to the door. "I'm like... on the edge... and every time I think I might... I kinda tense up and... it goes away!"

"W-what?!", you said, sort of chuckling at the same time. "Just... just... relax!"

"I'm trying!", she shouted. "Give me a break, I haven't thrown up in... years?! Decades?! I'm a little... rusty?!"

"Rusty?!" You threw your hands into the air. "How can you get rusty at vomiting?! It doesn't require any skill! In fact, it's an involuntary action! A child could do it! Hell, babies do it all the time!"

"I know that!", she said. "What would you like me to do?! Wait until I know for certain that I'm completely finished?! Or should I come out now and continue kissing you with the very real possibility that I'll-"

"No, no!" You waved your hands in front of yourself. "Sorry, sorry! Take as much time as you need!"

"That's what I thought!", she shouted. "Really, though, it won't be much longer! The worst is over!"

"Ok, good!" You clasped your hands together and nodded intensely at the bathroom door. "That's... that's good!" You moved back to the immediate right of the bathroom door and sat down in your still-warm seat on the carpet. "Uh, sorry I'm not, uh, being more helpful! I'd, uh, offer to hold your hair or something, but, uh..."

"You're not going to?!", she finished your sentence.

"Yes! That!" You pointed at the door. "Sorry, you know how squeamish I am..." You rubbed the back of your neck.

"Yes I do!", she said. "Really, I'm fine! Please don't make any attempt to 'help' me! Having you in here throwing up too isn't going to solve anything!"

"Cool, I'm glad you understand!" *Bbbbzzzttt! Bbbbzzzttt!* You looked downward, at the rectangular bulge in your pocket that was demanding your attention. You reached in, retrieved the needy, expensive vibrating device, and glanced at the screen, at the contact that was attempting to contact you. "Uh, oh..." It was never a good sign when he called you this early in the day... You touched your thumb to the green icon on the screen and raised the phone to your ear. "Hey, Sans... what do you need, er... I mean... What's up?!"

"Hey, kiddo.", Sans said from the other end of the "line". "'Member that time you told me that you had my back and that you'd do anything for me? Even help me bury a dead body?"

"Uh..." You squinted as you searched your mind for these memories, metaphorically digging through piles and piles of useless song lyrics and scenes from awful movies from your childhood your brain had deemed important enough to permanently archive for future use. "No, I don't... Was I, uh..."

"Completely wasted.", Sans confirmed your suspicions. "It was last... last International Nurse's Day? You know, when we made that giant bowl of punch with three whole bottles of Ebott Gold Rum?"

"Oh yeah, I remember that! I mean, most of that..." Playing back the events of that night in your head, you noticed a definite drop in quality as the evening went on, until suddenly, everything ends. It was like watching an old VHS tape that gets more and more distorted as time goes on, until the VCR gives up and displays nothing but an empty blue screen. "Well, that does sound like something I'd say after downing a few glasses of that stuff... So, what do you need me to do?"

"Help me bury a dead body.", Sans said, in the same way someone else might ask a friend to help them move a couch.

"W-what?!" You leaned forward, rolling onto your knees. "You... you killed... s-someo-"

"Well, two actually...", Sans said.

"T-t-t-two?!", you stammered.

"What, I had to kill the other one, too!", Sans said. "No witnesses, ya know? Better safe than sorry... So, what do you say, kiddo? Can you meet me at my place in like... fifteen minutes? Oh, and bring a shovel..."

"Sans, oh my God..." You placed your free hand on the side of your head.

"Actually, do you have a couple shovels?", Sans asked. "I just remembered that Papyrus came over the other day to take his back..."

"Sans, I, uh..." Your eyes darted left and right. Your breathing increased in frequency and decreased in volume.

"Actually, you know what?", Sans said. "One shovel's fine. I shouldn't be doing any back breaking labor with my back as broken as it is. So what do you say, kiddo? Can you help a brother out?"

"N-no! No way!" You got to your feet. "I... I'm not going to..."

"Oh, c'mon, kiddo!", Sans said. "It'll take half an hour tops! We don't have to go _that_ far into the woods. They were prostitutes! Nobody's going to come looking for them! Also, they were both heroin addicts, so they're very light. We, uh, _you_ can get them both in one trip!"

"Sans, I... I..." You paced down the hallway. "Jesus Christ..."

"T-this should be a cinch!", Sans said, his facade beginning to crumble. "J-just think of it (heh, heh!) as a little hike into the woods (snicker!) with your old uncle Sans, with some light gardening... (ha ha ha!)"

"Sans, are you... laughing?! This is no time to be..." You stopped in your tracks. "Wait, this is a... you're... you're joking, aren't you?"

"'Bout time you caught on, kiddo!", Sans said, releasing the laughter he had been holding back. "You are way too gullible!"

"Oh, thank God!" You placed your hand on your chest, to calm your breathing.

"Honestly, I'm a little offended that I could pull your leg for that long...", Sans said. "You really think I have it in me to kill someone?"

"Well, uh..." You thought about it for a second. "I guess not... I think you might be too... too..."

"Kind?", Sans suggested. "Loving? Sweet?"

"Uh, I was trying to come up with a polite way of saying 'lazy'.", you said. "But, yeah, lets go with one of those instead."

Sans's laughter returned for a moment. "Yeah, you're probably right! It would take a lot to get me riled up enough to want to put in the effort to kill someone!" He took a moment to calm down. "So, uh, anyway, the reason I'm calling is, my bro says you guys left kinda abruptly last night..." He dropped the laid-back, casual undertones that, more often than not, accompanied his voice, and instead published his words in a far more serious typeface.

"Y-yeah, everything's fine!", you said. "Chara just had a-"

"Blllaaaggghhhh!", Chara interjected.

"What the hell was that?", Sans asked, his tone of voice back at its default setting.

You glanced over your shoulder, at the bathroom door. "That was... Chara.", you said, lowering your voice slightly. "She... had a little... _too much_ fun last night, if you know what I mean..."

"I do.", Sans said. "Intimately."

"Right... As do I. As do I..." You shook your head and released the contents of your lungs slowly, as a couple more embarrassing details from the aforementioned night returned to you. "But, uh, yeah, that's why we left in such a hurry. She was... saying some inappropriate things around your brother..."

"She start hitting on him?", Sans asked. "Don't worry, he's used to that..."

"No, no, not that!", you said, your voice rising up to its previous level again for a moment. "She was, uh... talking about, uh, _sexual_ things..." You whispered that last part.

"So?", Sans said. "What's wrong with that? You're all adults, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah, but... It's... it's... Papyrus! _Papyrus_!" You lost control of the level of your voice again. "I'd rather Chara talk about our sex life with my mom! Or with... with... Jesus! And that wasn't even the worst part! When I said I wasn't sure how monsters reproduced, he offered to explain the, uh, mechanics, complete with, uh, visual aids..." You shivered.

"Oh God, it's... it's... sparkly!", Chara shouted from the bathroom. "Why is it sparkly?! That's not normal, is it?!"

"Sparkly?!" You lowered your phone from your ear and pressed the mouth piece up to your chest. "No, that's not- Wait... Didn't you drink a Mettaton last night?!"

"A Mettaton?!", Chara shouted through the door. "No, I didn't, unless... Oh... Oh, wait, I may have... I wasn't sure if that actually happened or if it was a dream. Well, a nightmare more like! It was awful! I can't believe I finished it! Then got another... Seriously, just thinking about it is making me... uh... making me... uh... uh... oh... oh fu-"

"It's making you, what?!", you asked.

"Bllllaaaaggghhhh!", Chara answered.

"What's going on now?", Sans asked, while chewing on some form of potato chip.

You raised your phone back up to your ear. "Chara's, uh, throwing up glitter..."

"Glitter, eh?!", Sans said, before swallowing the food in his mouth. "A fellow Mettaton enthusiast I gather?! Excellent taste! I'm actually making one of those myself, right this moment!", he said, accompanied by the sound of an aerosol can being shaken up, and a dollop of whipped cream being sprayed into a glass. "Hair of the dog and all that..." You heard the sound of ice cubes colliding in a glass of liquid as he picked his drink up for a sip. "Ahhh! So, uh, you really don't know how monsters do it?"

"Uh, no...", you admitted. "They didn't start teaching Monster Biology in the schools until long after I was out. I guess I could have looked it up online, but I was, uh... you know..."

"Look, kiddo...", Sans said, adopting a milder form of the serious tone of voice again. "I know you like to think that us monsters are all rainbows, sparkles, lollipops, and what have you, but the truth of the matter is, we're just like you. We have hopes and dreams, fears and anxieties, quirks and hang-ups... The thing is... we're... we're only human."

You laughed once into the phone.

"Well, you know what I mean.", Sans said.

"Yeah, ok..." You nodded reluctantly as you returned to your spot next to the bathroom door.

"So, look, why don't you let me explain?", Sans asked. "It won't make you uncomfortable if ole' Uncle Sans spills the beans, will it?"

"Oh, I'm sure you'll find a way..." You sighed as you sat back down. "You know what? Yeah. Tell me how you guys do it. I can't avoid reality forever. It's time I learned the truth."

"Spores.", consisted of the entirety of Sans's explanation.

You held completely still for a moment, while your brain processed Sans's explanation with each and every cell available to it. Finally, your brain gave up on trying to interpret Sans's words and displayed the error message on the standard output. "W... w... wat?!"

"Spores.", Sans repeated. "We reproduce through spores. Like mushrooms, ya know? We scatter them in the Spring and they grow to be child-sized, come Fall."

"Wait... seriously?" You ran your hand through your hair and held it on the back of your head. "That's... that's... interesting? Huh, I never would have gue-" You were interrupted by the sounds of muffled undead laughter. "Sans?! Are you-"

"I'm just messing with you, kiddo!", Sans said through unmuffled undead laughter. "We bone, just like you guys do!"

"W-what?!" You leapt to your feet. "B-but... How?! You and your brother don't even have-"

"Magical ghost dongs.", Sans said, swirling his drink in his hand.

"Ok! Ok!" You swiftly walked down the entire length of the hallway, a hand affixed to the side of your head, before pivoting and walking back in the opposite direction. "You're joking, right? That's... that doesn't... How do you... Look... Just... Just tell me the truth, ok?! How do you guys really do it?!"

"That's the truth, kiddo.", Sans said, accompanied by the sounds of a bony hand rooting around a bag of chips. "If you don't believe me, look it up. Or I can send you a picture of mine..."

"No! No!" You stopped pacing and waved your free hand in the air. "I believe you! I believe you! Don't be... Don't be sending me anything like that! I get enough of that from Chara! And she's, uh, actually attractive..."

"Ha ha, ok.", Sans said, followed by the sound of the elastic waist band of a pair of athletic shorts snapping back into place. "Your loss... So hey, you don't need to worry about talking about sexual stuff around Papyrus. He's not as innocent as he seems. I mean, those two kids of his didn't happen by accident..."

"Ehhh..." You tilted your head left and right, before shrugging. "Yeah, ok..."

"Well, at least the second one didn't...", Sans said. "In fact, from what I hear, he and the misses are into some really freaky stuff..."

You scoffed. "Yeah, whatever! Like what? Like... holding hands while they watch a PG-13 rated movie after the kids go to bed?"

"No really!", Sans said. "I know for a fact that they swing..."

"Sans..." You tilted your head. "C'mon..."

"Seriously!", Sans said, his voice rising slightly. "They... they go to these conventions and stuff..."

"Sans...", you said, your voice lowering slightly.

Sans sighed. "Yeah, ok... You got me. I'm joking. Guess you're not as gullible as I thought?" He bit into another chip.

"For a joke to be funny, it has to have an element of truth to it.", you said. "You're a comedian, you should know this..."

"Right, right...", Sans said. "I suppose my brother makes Mister Rogers look like Caligula..."

"Now _that's_ funny!" You pointed your non-phone hand into the air.

"Bllllaaaggghhhhh!", Chara expelled from the bathroom.

You covered your phone once more and turned your head in the direction of her... "voice". "Chara?!"

"Ugh...", Chara said, before spitting a couple times. "I was feeling a lot better and was going to freshen up a bit before I came out..."

"Yeah?!", you shouted.

"Well, I made the mistake of trying to brush my tongue..." She spit once more.

You laughed once. "Huh! Usually you have an amazing gag reflex..."

"Ha!", she scoffed. "You're not wrong, you're just an asshole!" You heard medicine-cabinet-rooting-around sounds coming from the bathroom as she rooted around in the medicine cabinet. "Now where's the damn mouth wash?!"

"I put it under the sink!", you shouted back. "There's no room for it in the medicine cabinet!"

"Oh, that's right!" Chara slammed the medicine cabinet shut. "Why do we have to get the jumbo-sized bottles?!" You heard the cupboard under the sink open.

"It's like... 1.2 cents per ounce cheaper than the smaller bottles!", you said. "You think I'm made of money?!"

"What's going on now?", Sans asked. "Sparkly pee? Don't worry, that's normal..."

You uncovered the microphone. "No, Chara was just asking where the mouthwash was. I told her it's under the sink because there's-"

"Blllaaaggghhhh!", Chara said.

"Chara?!", you shouted, without sparing Sans's ears. "Are you ok?!"

"Oh God...", you heard Chara say. "It tastes like... like... peppermint schnapps!"

"Oh, shoot!" You placed a hand on your forehead. "I guess mouth wash _is_ mostly alcohol... Wait... how... how do you know what peppermint schnapps taste like?!"

"Uh... Undyne!", Chara said. "But, uh, don't tell Alphys! It's supposed to be a secret!"

Sans crumpled up an empty bag of potato chips. "Well, I can tell you guys are in the middle of something, so I'll let you go. Talk to you later."

"Sans, wait!" You held up a single finger. "I have something to tell you..."

"Yeah?", Sans said, as he opened up another bag of chips. Somehow you could tell that they were triangular and of the tortilla variety.

"Chara and I..." A giddy smile overcame your face. "We're... we're engaged now! We're... going to get married..."

"You're engaged?!", you heard Sans say, along with the sound of a bag of three-sided, corn-based, MSG laden chips spilling over. "Well, congrat-"

"They're engaged?!", Bonita's voice filled your ear in the same way the Pacific Ocean might fill a Dixie Cup. You instinctively jerked the phone away from your ear, but it was too late, the damage was done.

"Yeah, that's what he said.", you heard Sans say to Bonita, out of your remaining ear.

"Oh my God!", you heard Bonita say. "That's so wonderful! I'm so happy for them! Tell them that!"

"Uh, Boney says she's happy for you guys.", Sans said, then bit into a Dorito he picked up off the floor.

You had transferred your phone to your left ear and were rubbing what was left of your right. "I heard.", you said, which was correct in more than one way. "Tell her 'thanks'."

"He says thanks.", you heard Sans say, minus the sarcastic emphasis you applied to the word "thanks".

"How come we haven't got married yet?", Bonita said from the other end. "How many years have we been together? Don't you think it's about time?"

"Oh c'mon, Boney!", Sans said to Bonita. "Not this again!"

"You know my family's Catholic, right?", Bonita said. "My parents are just thrilled that their little girl is living in sin! With a... a... comedian of all things! Would you please just take that job daddy offered you at the mattress store?"

Sans took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Welp, I'm going to Grillby's. Bye, Boney! Bye Frisk!"

"Sans, don't you dar-" Bonita's voice was cut off by a short burst of digital static, followed by silence.

"Huh." You lowered your phone and stared at its screen. Call dropped. Cell phone networks hadn't yet developed the ability to preserve connections over teleportation. Or though that stupid tunnel near downtown... *Flush!* Hearing the sound you had been waiting for, sent you to your feet.

The bathroom door swung open and Chara hobbled out, eyes essentially closed, bangs glued to her forehead with a sweat-based adhesive. She flicked the lights and fan off behind her, on her second try.

"H-hey!", you said, excitedly standing before her. "I was just, uh, talking to Sans..." You pointed at your phone. "He was wondering, uh... Are you... are you ok?"

Chara turned her head in the direction of your voice. "Sans wanted to know if I was ok?"

"No! I mean, uh, yeah! He... he expressed his sympathy...", you lied. "He just wanted to know why we, uh... Eh, never mind that! _I_ want to know if you're ok! So, uh, are you-"

"No." She clutched her forehead. "I mean... I feel immensely better than before, but, uh... yeah. Still. Don't. Feel. That. Hot..."

"Well, you..." You stared at her for a second. "... _look_ hot?" You shrugged.

"What? Do you think I have a fever?" She felt her forehead with the back of her hand.

"No, no, I mean you are attractive!" You held your hands out to her. And you weren't really lying. You'd still hit it.

"Oh, uh, thanks." She smiled, almost completely imperceptibly. "That would have, uh, totally charmed the pants off of me any other time, but uh, you know..."

"Yeah, I know..." You nodded sympathetically, trying to hide your disappointment.

"So... I think... I think I'm going to go lay down for a while..." She pointed towards your bedroom. At least in the same general direction. "Or, uh, forever..."

"Yeah, ok." You nodded. "Would you like me to... join you?"

"Join me?" She raised an eyebrow without opening an eye.

"Yeah!", you said. "Maybe, uh, having me next to you would help you sleep? 'Cause, uh, you know... most of the time when you're sleeping, I'm there, right next to you? We could, uh, recreate the conditions of-"

"I get it." She nodded exactly once, while smiling completely perceptibly. "Yeah. That would be great. Thank you."

"Yeah, no problem!" You moved in and put an arm around her. "Anything for you! Anything for... my fiance."

She opened her eyes and looked up at you, a confused expression on her face, then remembered that the half-hour vomiting session wasn't actually the highlight of her day. "Wow..." She smiled and shook her head. "Never... never thought I'd ever hear... h-hear..." She chuckled once, then her face was overcome with emotion. She pressed her face into your chest and wrapped her arms around you.

You laid your head upon her's without saying a thing.

"T-thank you.", she whispered. "Thank you."

"Thank you." You could feel her tears moistening your shirt.

"I'm... I'm sorry...", she said, her voice muffled by your shirt and her emotions.

"Don't be.", you said.

"I just feel like crap and, uh...", she said.

"I know." You shook your head slightly. "It's been a crazy day..."

She chuckled. "It's... it's funny, though..."

"Yeah?" You raised your head and looked down at her.

She pulled her face back and looked up, into your eyes. "As crappy as I feel right now, as crappy as today has (mostly) been..." She sniffled. "It's been the best day of my life... In fact, when you asked me... asked me to m-marry you..." She swallowed. "That was... t-the..." She was hit by another strong surge of emotion and took a moment to recover, covering her eyes with her hand.

"The what?", you whispered.

She lowered her hand and met your eyes again. "T-the s-single best m-moment of my l-life. M-my new one."

The muscles that held your jaw shut capitulated in shock. You stared at her a moment, until the liquid pooling in your eyes overflowed, then pulled her into you. You held her tightly without saying a word.


End file.
